I’m not much of a movie reviewer, but sometimes I’ll see something so incredible that I feel like I have a responsibility to let others know.  That thing; the film 10,000 BC. Occasionally some movies start out slow and end up being alright, other times movies start well and finish badly.  10,000 BC came out of the gates hard. Before they even showed the title, I was delighted to see some young caveboy tell some young cavelady that “she holds a spot in his heart like a star that doesn’t move,” or some crap.  It was incredible. I’ve never been tempted to turn one of these life story movies off before the main character even reaches adolescence, but 10,000 BC almost did it to me (I really hate when little kids have sappy love lines in movies. It creeps me out. It’s that same disturbing feeling you get when you hear old Jackson Five songs and listen to a little-Michael sing about how he loves some young girl. It’s just weird. Besides, I thought that whole premise flamed out with Blue Lagoon).   

Okay, I have so many problems with this movie… (if you haven’t noticed yet – it was awful) 

On the DVD case (yeah, this was a rental. My reviews are all class!) it boasts, “from director who brought you Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow.”  …listen, dude, take it from me, just because you’ve directed two movies doesn’t mean you have to put them both on the cover. You don’t see my half hour at Mr. Stereo on the resume, do you? Independence Day was my kinda flick, so I was like “Oh!” (with a smile) but The Day After Tomorrow? That’s in your top two? That turned my smiley “Oh!” quickly into a frown and extended “Ohhh.”  

This nomadic caveman group lived off of the yearly hunt for the Wooly Mammoth. Fair enough. But to do that, they’ve gotta live in Alaska, or Siberia or the Yukon or something…so why are all these dudes rockin no shirt? That’s just ridiculous. I don’t care if you’re in a movie – it’s the arctic, put a shirt on.  

I know they have to speak English because it’s a movie. I get it. But if its 10,000 BC, can’t you at least find some kinda copout? Humour me, at least.  Star Wars happened “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,” so it’s stupid, but you can’t argue the English factor there, right? Star Trek has the “universal translator.” Again, great copout.  Even The Hunt for Red October had that moment where Russian sub Captain, Sean Connery, was speaking Russian and the camera zoomed right in on his lips and he switched to English! Fantastic! But you’re telling me these cavefolk are just speaking straight up English? And if you’re going to do that, why are you still using stupid character names like “Tik-Tik” and “Baku?” If there’s not going to be an explanation about how they’re speaking English, let’s just call them Steve and Tony. 

Either they’re all clean, or they’re all dirty. You really gotta make a decision on this one. We all know that in any historical movie that’s supposed to take place before 1900, the people were all probably really dirty with some rank BO. But, in a lot of flicks they make the people look clean a pleasant and presentable. That’s fine. In 10,000 BC, every character was dirty and gross. Mud on the face, nasty dreads and lots of sweat! Well done. BUT…every time the main lady made an appearance, she looked like she just got back from a weekend at the spa? What? I know they don’t want their love-interest woman looking disgusting, but she can’t be looking like she’s about to hit the catwalk for a Dolce and Gabbana show.  

Now, I’ve ranted about this movie enough. I could really continue because we haven’t even touched on the story or the characters, but I’ll let you find that out for yourself.  I don’t know if this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but I’m excited enough that it has to be included in the conversation.   Therefore, while I’m telling you this film is pretty much an almost two hour terrible experience, I’m fully recommending it. You just can’t pass up an opportunity like this. 

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! How about a few degrees of separation in today’s blog, Kevin Bacon style!?!  We mentioned Star Trek and Independence Day – let’s make a connection.  In Independence Day, when the President and Jeff Goldblum realistically go to Area51 as a last resort to see, and eventually let Will Smith pilot an alien spacecraft, they encounter a crazy scientist who runs the facility.  The guy who plays this scientist (I’m not telling you his name, Googlers) is also a regular on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Which character does he play on Star Trek?

 - What a terrible choice for host countries.  Not only did UEFA pick a country with an indifferent fan base to host a huge tournament that every other country on the continent would kill for, but they picked two!! Plus, Austria and Switzerland really sucked.  I hate when countries only qualify for these tournaments because they’re the hosts (I’m looking at you, South Africa)

- YAY for exciting soccer! Four years ago, the Greeks won by doing…ummm, nothing. They basically played all their dudes on defense and were lucky enough to take advantage of the offensive chances (chance) they got.  The 2004 snooze-fest struck fear in a lot of fans because they thought maybe that would be the new recipe for success. BUT NO! Most teams came out attacking this year. It’s really been a lot of fun to watch. Of course things have slowed down a bit in the elimination rounds, but that’s to be expected. But all in all, really, even if you think you don’t like watching soccer, these games have been full of chances and excitement. (I will say, the one stinker was the much anticipated Spain v. Italy game, aka; the Battle for the Rights to Christopher Columbus, aka; the Dippity Doo Gel Derby.  I know that game couldn’t have lived up to expectations, but come on…those teams played as tight as the Italian jerseys.  If you didn’t watch, they were tight)

- GO RUSSIA! I’ll be honest, I don’t really know any of these dudes. All I can tell you is, this Andrei Arshavin kid is an absolute genie.  Every time he gets the ball I get excited. The European player market doesn’t work like the free agency we’re used to, but keep an eye on your sports tickers because at some point in the next year you’re going to see the words “Andrei Arshavin” and “transfer fee” beside an insane number of dollars.  Another kid on this team, Roman Pavlyuchenko, may be my new favourite player. In our sports world where we praise “unselfishness” and “team play,” this kid is a breath of fresh air. Dude just wants to score. That’s it. No matter where he gets the ball, he just wants to score. The guy has already taken 22 shots in 4 games! That’s an insane number even for a hockey player!  (plus, the Russians made 20-plus-thousand Dutchmen in burnt-party-orange all go dead quiet at one moment. I didn’t think that was possible)

- The hot Euro-techno after a team scores is by far my favourite part of the tournament. Not even exaggerating, less then 3 seconds after every goal, the same Euro-beat fires up on the stadium’s PA. It’s incredible. I don’t know who’s job that is, but they’re doing an incredible job. Even the Croatia v. Turkey game (bananas game, by the way) where the first goal was scored 119-mintues into the game - right away, they kicked that beat.  I love it!

- The Portuguese team killed me.  If I just flipped by the channel when Portugal was playing, I’d swear I just skipped past an episode of Growing up Gotti.

That’s good enough for now…  half time is over. 

Bonus Code Trivia!!! I referred to the Spain/Italy game as the Battle for the Rights to Christopher Columbus.  As you may remember from grade 3 history, Columbus was born in one of these two countries and explored on bahalf of the other.  Which country was he born in?

David Beckham’s new Armani adds – I’m telling you, a hundred years from now, some student is going to write a paper about the equal rights movement and the thesis will be something like, “David Beckham did as much to equalize gender rights as the WCTU and suffrage movement combined.”  And how? By bringing down the world’s collective view and respect for men. I don’t even think Knut the Polar Bear let himself be objectified as much as David Beckham.  Can we please just let this dude get naked and play a soccer game? I think we all know that’s where this is heading… 

Jamie Lynn Spears Gives Birth – I really think we’re on the brink of something special here.  It’s entirely possible that Jamie Lynn will be the first female actress to make her post-baby Playboy comeback appearance on her 18^th birthday. 

McCain touts Canada-U.S. Ties – Why are we still making a big deal out of this? Wasn’t the cat out of the bag when the whole Obama/Clinton/Staff Member leak about possible changes in trade was just brushed off as “campaign rhetoric?” What happened to that? I feel like that episode of The Simpsons where we found out Principal Skinner wasn’t the real Principal Skinner – but after realizing the real Skinner was a buzz-kill they all just let fake Skinner reclaim the false identity – and at the end of the show everyone in Springfield agreed they would never mention it again. Did we do that about NAFTA campaign rhetoric? Of course this is all hocus-pocus. Whenever I listen to Obama and McCain I take what they’re saying about as seriously as the presidential election on The West Wing (only neither McCain nor Obama are as convincing as Alan Alda). I will admit I’m really looking forward to when they announce their running mates. Although it’s not so much the political ramifications of the decision, it kinda feels finding out who’s going to be the next Batman!  

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!!!  Let’s try to combine two parts of today’s bullets.  I guess I mentioned the WCTU and The Simpsons in the same entry – well done me!  Here we go, try to follow along. In an episode of The Simpsons, Rex Banner was brought in to enforce a law that, as it turned out, was still in effect in
Springfield. Coincidentally, it was the WCTU who was highly responsible, in the real world, for this law being in effect in the first place? What law are we referring to?

So what is going on with the feet? Your guess is as good as mine, but there is one theory being floated around (I’m sorry. I had to get in one pun) that seems to make a little sense.  As we’ve all probably heard/read/seen, the feet were pretty much all “at an advanced stage of decomposition.” Now, as delicious as that sounds, it kinda starts to point us in a logical direction. If the feet were decomposed, the body would have been as well.  Only the body, as sad as it is, is probably around the bottom of the ocean at this point. But the foot was encased in a shoe. A shoe full of light rubbers and foam, aka, a running shoe. Since the shoe was trying to float and the body was at a stage where it could be “separated,” the foot eventually detached and floated to the surface.  This is possibly why the police refuse to say the feet are “severed” or have any signs of being “forcibly removed.”

This all being said, it’s still just a theory. It may take a while to figure out what’s happening.  Until we know, I guess people will continue to throw around ideas that essentially suggest there is a real life version of the movie Hostel going on someplace on the Island or the coast. 

 A little trivia, I suppose? While the sixth foot turned out to be a badly placed joke, there are still 5 cases of mysterious feet to be solved. What island was the first foot found on?

At the ceremony, William wore the - not at all embarrassing - ostrich plumed hat, velvet robes and full regal “pomp” (a quick favour; if anyone ever sees me walking out of my place in anything that could possibly be described as “pomp”, stuff-in-my-teeth rules apply: It may hurt when I hear it, but please, please let me know). I forgot to mention, Will’s official title is that of a Royal Knight of the Garter.  Surprisingly, Kate Middleton’s testimony was not required at the ceremony.

 BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!!  Apparently, The Most Noble Order of the Garter is the oldest order of chivalry in the world, established in 1348 by king Edward III.  Now, back in 1995, Edward III’s grandfather was featured as the villain in one of the greatest movies of all time!!! Name that movie? 

BUT…

Maybe it’s time for the song to go? The CBC’s Stanley Cup broadcast was dreadful this year.  I hate to say it, but NBC’s Stanley Cup coverage absolutely mashed the CBC’s.  These days, even TSN puts together a more entertaining product.  While Pierre McGuire was at ice level on NBC hearing Petr Sykora predict his game winning goal, we were forced to listen to our 467th lecture about how great Gary Roberts is.  Of course, Don Cherry defended his Roberts-Crush by saying “everyone talks about Sydney Crosby (and the other stars)” …umm, Don, that’s because those are the guys we care about? Unfortunately for me, I decided to go to the fridge once each period and missed all of Gary Roberts’ ice time. 

All I’m saying is that it’s time for a change.  For next year’s final Bob Cole is out and Jim Hughson is in. Whether it’s a step up or not isn’t for me to say, but at least it’s a change.  Hockey Night in Canada is stale, boring and dated.  Out with the old, in with the new…  if that includes the music you’ve been told is a part of your national pride, than so be it.

 BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! 

 EURO2008 kicks off tomorrow!! I’m VERY excited! The last Euro Cup (we’re talking about soccer for everyone getting ready to google the answer) was fantastic! In 2004, the host team, Portugal was arguably the favourite to win the whole thing. Their tournament got off to a rocky start as they lost to Greece, the tournament’s big underdog, in the opener. But the Portuguese rallied and made it all the way to the final!!! …where they lost.   Who did they lose to?

 A little background. Due to a current, and not to be mentioned, life situation that I’ve found myself in; I’ve grown a very impressive moustache.  While I probably won’t post a picture - as no pics of me with the ’stache exist, and even if someone tried to take a picture, I look so Dracula’esque right now that I’m sure I wouldn’t even show up on film - the moustache can be referred to as a “Cop ‘Stache.” I dabbled with a “Chef ‘Stache,” “Shifty French Moustache,” and a “19th Centurey Prussian Mercenary Moustache,” but settled on the thick, greasy and intimidating Cop ‘Stache.  (let’s get one thing straight — straight; not a pun…read on and you’ll understand — the Cop ‘Stache DOES NOT mean I look like one of the Village People. I look like Robert Redford from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. End of discussion.  …I know, Redford didn’t play a cop - but for those of you who aren’t caught up on your moustache history and can’t keep up with my moustache connoisseur elitism, I’ll state the obvious; 21st century Cop ‘Stache is the evolution of the late 19th century Gun Fighter ‘Stache).  Anyway, the point of the background is to let you know that I have a moustache, and I look good. 

Fast Forward to Last Night - I’m  watching Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals.  Pittsburgh vs Detroit. The game is being played in Detroit. About 5 minutes to go in the 3rd period and the Detroit Red Wings almost have things wrapped up (entering this best-of-seven series up three games to one. If Detroit wins this game, which they are leading 3-2 with five minutes to go, they become Stanley Cup Champions). The crowd is into it. And I mean into it.  Now, my life changing moment…

A skater goes across the blue-line before the puck. Off side. Whistle blows. The crowd’s chanting of “we want the cup” slowly quiets as the sound of a piano can be heard over the arena loudspeekers.  The piano continues for another 10 seconds and then a voice from the same loudspeakers, “Just a small town girl…” The song goes on for a couple more lines as the crowd joins in the verse,  “Just a city boy…” but the song cuts out? The puck was dropped and what felt like a great stoppage ended prematurely…or was it? The entire crowd, without help from the PA system or the announcer or the electronic signs in the arena all continue, in unison, “livin in SOUTH DETROIT!”  It was incredible! That unified passion. That display of emotion. An entire city gathering behind one song, one line, for one magical moment. A common goal, maybe only to be achieved by a few, but representing thousands - and those thousands all coming together in one electric moment that will stay with me for rest of my life.  For that one line, it was like Joe Louis Arena was trapped in a vortex. A fervent vortex of intensity and ecstasy (since it was in Detroit, the vortex probably also included lots of beer and the smell of transmission fluid).   At that exact moment…I knew it.  Those feelings. Those passions. That unified strength, creativity, power, enthusiasm, the joy in song - the shivers that I, and likely thousands were all experiencing.  THAT is what my moustache is all about.  From this point forward, it will no longer simply be called a moustahce. From this point forward, my moustache will only be refferred to as Midnight Train. 

A little Bonus Code Trivia!  As you’d imagine, Joe Louis Arena in Deroit is named after an athlete …not the delicious chocolate cake and cream filled snack.  Tiger Woods is a golfer. Mario Lemieux was a hockey player. If you’re following along with the pattern here, you’ll get some points if you can fill in the blank. Joe Louis was a _ _ _ _ _.  

So we’ll get back into the swing with some Friday Bullets…

2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee – I know we’ve all seen the highlights of the spelling bee, but if you haven’t sat and watched for at least a half hour, trust me, you’re missing out.  The stress level of these poor kids is almost contagious! I can’t imagine participating in this competition being a good life experience at all. In fact, even if a kid wins, there’s no way they’re ever the same after.  I’m sure if we could track down any spelling bee champions from the last 20 years, they’re all cooped up in their parents’ basements acting like Sarah Connor at the start of Terminator 2.    Plus, if you’re not into the stress levels and enjoying young children’s misery like I am, at least watch for the moustaches.

Speaking of great moustaches…

Sydney Crosby’s Moustache – I get the whole playoff thing. But the NHL is trying to promote the game through this kid, and I’m fairly certain that when half the US audience flips past NBC and sees a shot of Sydney they think, “When did John Holmes start playing hockey?”  Let’s all agree that to be allowed to grow a playoff beard there should only be one pre-requisite; being able to grow a playoff beard.

Big Brown – Is there anything as exciting as a horse that may win the Triple Crown??  …well, yes. But, that doesn’t take away from my excitement for the upcoming… (hold on, let me look it up) …Belmont Stakes!  I especially love how Big Brown’s trainer is talking smack. Way to go buddy, but umm, it’s a horse. I will say, my new favourite “sports” contract may be the one Big Brown is getting when he’s done racing. Reportedly, BB will get 50-Million (that’s A LOT of oats and sugar cubes) to be syndicated! Isn’t that the greatest way to put it? Syndicated? I guess Microsoft Word needs to be updated, because I just looked up synonyms for the word “syndicated” and it definitely didn’t come up with, “straight humpin.”

Uncontacted Tribe Found in Brazil – This blows my mind. You know what I’ve done so far today? Woke up to my digital alarm clock. Caught myself up on what’s happening all over the world by watching a news channel for 15 or 20 minutes. Drove to work in my internal combustible engine powered car. Killed time at work by going through a series of letters written to me from all over the country by way of e-mail.  Went and bought some groceries – not using any type of paper currency or conceivable trading good – but with a small piece of plastic.  Received a package in the mail, which turned out to be a movie- and not even a regular movie, a movie specifically for my PSP portable device,  etc, etc, etc… Meanwhile, somewhere in Brazil there is a group of people who would never even be able to imagine any of this?  I’ll be honest; there hasn’t been a single moment in my existence where I thought my quality of life would improve if only I had a better spear. I’m sorry. I just can’t get over that.  Wouldn’t that be a good reality show? Finding one of these tribes, placing hidden cameras all over their village and each week we could drop some item from a helicopter? Like a flashlight or a digital camera or a cell phone, you know, just to mess with’em? Now that would be good television!  Unfortunately, I don’t think that falls under the parameters of the Prime Directive.

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!!  Okay, Big Brown has a chance to be the first Triple Crown winner since, wow, 1978.  What was the name of the last horse to do it?

The premise of the book in the nutshell; hero, sidekick and various damsels in distress find an ancient chamber with old writings that chronicle a 7000 year old catastrophe where a comet struck the earth, destroyed an old and advanced civilization that existed before the Egyptians (aka; Atlantis, kind of) and of course, prophesizes of a future catastrophe of the same sort. So, it’s been established this ancient culture was really good at mapping and astronomy and such, therefore their predictions are as good as gold. We’ll catch up with the novel just as the main characters are all together in a secret location – they’ve deciphered the ancient language and are describing the prophecy. I’ll use character descriptions instead of names… (spoiler alert; I HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS) 

Computer Geek: “We learned from a computer search of ancient archaeoastronomy files and papers from the archives of several universities that (this newly discovered ancient civilization) were not the only ancient astronomers to predict a doomsday. They Mayans, the Hopi Indians, the Egyptians, the Chinese and several other pre-Christian civilizations all came up with dates for the end of the world – and they all happen within the same year” 

Ruggedly Handsome Hero: “Who do you think were the most accurate in their prediction?” 

Computer Geek: “The (newly discovered ancient civilization). They were present during the first catastrophe. They predicted not only the year but the exact day.” 

Old Wise CIA/Admiral/Mentor to Ruggedly Handsome Hero Type: “Which is?” 

Computer Geek and Super Smart Gorgeous Woman Who is Part of the Research Team But Mainly there Because She’s Destined to be “bedded” by Ruggedly Handsome Hero both sink in their chairs, retreating from reality. They look around the room from face to face, before Computer Geek speaks up and answers: “The time (the newly discovered ancient civilization) predicted the comet would return and shatter the earth is May 20th.” 

Well, isn’t that JUST GREAT!  

I might as well give some extra points for BONUS CODE TRIVIA today, seeing that it may be the last thing I do…and if the entirely fictional prophecy comes true, the Goldmine will be looted to heck anyway, so who cares! Today’s Question: The “Ruggedly Handsome Hero” character’s name is actually Dirk Pitt. So, if Dirk Pitt is the main character, who wrote the book?

 Jason Cull - The News Committee salutes you. You have just been voted the first ever member of the “Manliest Man of the Month” club! (club chairman; Rob Michaels)

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! I stole a famous line from a movie in this post. What movie did I quote?