Mountain FM

I’ve been through the papers today and I’ve been watching the wire, but there are a few post-weekend things on my mind that frustrate me so that’s what you’re getting today. Before you continue you should know the content of this webFlow entry is absolutely irrelevant. (if you even started reading - 98% chance you just skipped right to the bonus code trivia. As for the 2% that constitutes my loyal readership; Thanks Mom & Dad!) 

Frustration #1 - Tom Clancy. Clancy is killin me right now. It took me a month to get through Debt of Honour (actually spelled, Honor…but I just can’t do it) A great read as usual, but a bit of a struggle keeping up with the 2,543 primary characters that Clancy decides to skatter through his book (and that’s without mentioning that each character uses a variety of names depending on where they fit in the espionage story lines, and then they have different names in Russian for their real name AND their cover name. Don’t get me started…that’s a different frustration). Anyway, I get through 987 pages of the 990 page book. Almost done, right? Well, not so much. With 3 pages to go Clancy flips the whole world around on me. I’m so unbelievably intrigued that I need to know what happens next. As you’d imagine, on my nerd-supreme book shelf I own the second half of this saga, Executive Decision. And of course, it’s 1300 pages deep. How am I ever going to read anything of actual substance? These Clancy books are about as good for my brain as an afternoon in a Dodge City opium tent. (After Debt of Honour, I actually began reading Angelo Dundee’s autobio/biography My View From the Corner. It’s phenomenal. I’m gonna mash through it in about 3 days so I’ll need to find something else before I re-immerse myself into the frightening/depressing/heroic world that is Clancy)

Frustration #2 - Milk. I have cartons of milk and cream that both expire today. May 5th. I know they’re probably still good for at least a couple days apiece, but I can’t do it. That stupid expiration date messes with my mind. Even if I go through all the testing procedures, I’ll gag on the milk like Ron Burgundy when it was so damn hot and milk was a bad choice. And if it says May 5th, does that mean it expires today or today is the last day it’s good? I don’t even know. In Seinfeld’s old material he made jokes about people who blindly followed milk experation dates. It really bothers me that I’ve become one of those people. (and I know I should be able to get through 1L of milk in a couple weeks, but I only use it for cooking or baking purposes - and rarely does milk make a cooking appearance and I’m certainly not comfortable enough in my masculinity to put on a frilly apron and bake. So it goes bad. I know I can drink it, but what kinda grown man drinks a glass of milk? Whether or not I’m a “grown man” >> up for debate)

Frustration #3 - Voicemail. It’s 2008, do people not know how to work this yet. I totally support you not wanting to leave a message. That’s cool, I do it all the time. But it bothers me to no end when I’m checking my voicemail and the pretty-computer-voiced-lady gives me the heads up, “First new message,” and then ……..click!?! Who sits through my whole “I’m not here…leave a message…beep” business and then hangs up? What happens with these people? Does the beep make them freeze up? I don’t know how this happens. When I’m dialing a number, I’ve already come to the decision that my call is either important enough to leave a message or it’s not. I never get all the way to the beep and think, “hmmm? well, not there eh? I never considered this possibility. What shall I do?”

Bonus Code Trivia!!! I talked about Debt of Honour and Executive Decision. Which classic Tom Clancy character has a prominent role in both of these books? Secondary trivia for a few more points; This character has been in all 3 (I refuse to include The Sum of All Fears) Clancy novel-based movies. Which actor played him the best?? (this question may appear subjective, but it’s not. The answer is the answer. That’s a fact)

This is my first webFlow entry of the week. My excuse for not writing anything was that I haven’t seen anything to really write about? But honestly, I think my energy levels are just really low. We have a huge primary down south, mounties raiding party headquarters and a priest who strapped himself to a zillion party balloons and is hopefully still floating around the south atlantic somewhere. Of course there are things to write about. Then I saw this headline on the globeandmail.com, “Marriage + Kids + Money = Kiss Your Sleep Goodbye.” Obviously, the headline struck a cord. I understand the stresses of a family, a marriage and a budget can really cause someone to lose out on sleep and lose energy and suffer from high stress. Really, I get it. BUT…I have neither children, a wife or money?? so why am I having so many problems sleeping and staying energetic? Luckily, my levels of self awareness are Yoda’esque, therefore I’m confident I can find a solution to this problem and will pass my wisdom on to you. Here are Ted’s tips on how to get your mind and body right;

- Lazy is natural, so don’t sweat it - Sometimes I’m lazy. Real lazy. How lazy? Once the Colbert Report is done at midnight and I have no reason to continue the conscious portion of my day, I’ll often find myself too lazy to go to sleep. At that point in the day, it’s just too much effort. Now that is lazy. What I need to do is just live with it and accept it. Being lazy is fine. I hear people all the time complaining about how they’re lazy and they need to get up and do something. Whatever. Eventually the stress level caused by worrying about being lazy becomes the focus of that point in your life. How counterproductive is that? Being lazy and worrying about being lazy at the same time? Ridiculous. Be lazy. Love it. Find a hammock if you can. I’m sure eventually you’ll get up and walk somewhere or eat some granola or yogurt or something? If you’re going to do nothing, relish in it, don’t fight it.

- Don’t “take the stairs” - I see all these magazines at the check-out aisle telling people how they can squeeze working out into their normal routine? What a crock. Working out is for working out - sitting around at your desk is for sitting around at your desk. That’s a fact. The last thing people need is to take the stairs all day instead of the elevator or to do some kinda break-time yoga. Why? You’ll end up thinking you’re doing a good thing for yourself, but as soon as that post-workout euphoria is gone, you’re gonna start to be a little self-conscious about the potential post-workout funk. Even though it’s likely a mind funk fabrication, you’re still gonna think about it. The worry will grow, grow and grow until you don’t feel comfortable with yourself, thus eliminating anything positive that came from your trips up the stairs to begin with. If you want to go to the gym, for a run, a bike ride or do some pilates - fine, but don’t mix it with work.

- Don’t be a jerk - You can leave your water bottle at your desk. Believe me, the water will not evaporate if you separate yourself from your bottle for ten minutes. If someone asks “what are you drinking?” You’re allowed to just say “tea.” You can leave out the “green.” Trust me, you can do it. If you want to get the salad at the restaurant, that’s cool with me. Get whatever you want, but don’t be reading the menu aloud and talking down the burger section as you go. You know you do it. Yes, the Mozza-Burger is unhealthy. Yes, I know that. Yes, I’m getting it. Yes, I’m getting it with fries and hopefully some type of dipping sauce. I’m going to enjoy it and I’m not going to feel bad about it. I hope you enjoy your spinach leaves with balsamic on the side. I know you won’t, but I hope you will.

- I know you shouldn’t eat that. I know you will eat that. Just be quiet and enjoy it - Whether you eat something unhealthy once in a while or all the time, enjoy it. If it’s someone’s anniversary and cake is being passed around - you know you’re going to have a piece - so don’t tell everyone “I know I shouldn’t.” We all know that. There is no healthy-high-ground for people that insist on feeling bad about eating a piece of cake. Eating isn’t Christianity. You can’t make it right by feeling guilty about it. Eat the cake. Enjoy the cake. And don’t convince yourself you’ll “walk it off” later. You won’t. When you say you’ll “walk it off” later, it’s just guilt procrastination.

I’m going over my self-imposed word count, but I’m sure I’ll be back with more advice later. Before everyone fills my inbox with “thank you’s,” don’t worry, I fully plan on getting a book deal for my great health of body and mind advice.

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! I mentioned one of my favourite shows, The Colbert Report. The character of Stephen Colbert started out as a correspondent for what show??