Mountain FM

That’s right, after a losing a Man vs. Shark battle earlier this year off the coast of San Diego, we’ve come back to even the score.  Word is an Aussie, Jason Cull, swimming off the Southwest Australian Coast at Middleton Beach encountered what he thought was a dolphin.  Not quite! Turned out it was a 5-metre Great White! (That has to be a top-10 “Oh Crap!” moment of all time, right?) The shark attacked him…but Jason Cull wasn’t about to become a statistic (statistic; your more likely to be saved from hungry Orcs by an Ent than be killed by a shark. You definitely don’t want to be that guy).  So what does he do? Throw dynamite into it’s mouth? No.  Let it chomp down on an oxygen tank and then shoot said oxygen tank with a spear gun? No. Engage the sea beast in various battles on a fishing boat and puntuate the moment by saying, ”I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat!”? Not even.  DUDE PUNCHED THE SHARK IN THE FACE!!! No way I can articulate how awesome that is.  Apparently while in the 5-metre shark’s grasp, Jason Cull punched the shark in the head and then poked it in the eye, causing the shark to let go.

 Jason Cull - The News Committee salutes you. You have just been voted the first ever member of the “Manliest Man of the Month” club! (club chairman; Rob Michaels)

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! I stole a famous line from a movie in this post. What movie did I quote?

Who all saw the cover story in the The Vancouver Sun today? Some stuff is just too ridiculous to even write about. The headline, “Pregant Women off Limits for Taser Use, Inquiry Hears.” It’s great to learn that the millions of dollars were spending on researching tasers is paying off! On to the bullets…

- Dove ‘real beauty’ campaign may be a sham? – I’m sure everyone has seen a part of the four year campaign Dove (Unilever) has been part of. You know, with the almost/if not naked women who are middle aged and normal looking etc…  Turns out, these “normal looking” women may have been re-touched and airbrushed in the ads, thus making them look…more normal?  It seems a guy named Pascal Dangin was a part of the photo shoots of the “lumpier-than-usual real women,” (not my line) and when asked by newyorker.com about the campaign, he replied with this gem of a quote, “do you know how much re-touching was on that? But it was great to do, a challenge, to keep everyone’s skin and faces showing the mileage but not looking unattractive.” Well done, Dove. Now THAT is a mission statement!

- Carey and Cannon – As mentioned in Dianna’s blog, the rumours are true! Mariah Carey has married Nick Cannon!!!   …what? Nick Cannon? Nickelodeon, Drumline, Roll Bounce, Wild’n Out, terrible rap album which included an embarrassing video featuring R. Kelly, Nick Cannon? I don’t know why Britney seems to have been anointed the champion of crazy-pop-diva’s. Mariah’s been crazy for years.  I know everyone thought it was great for Mariah when she broke away from Tommy Mattola so she could start her own life as an independent woman and all. But I’m pretty sure, as soon as that relationship split and she immediately decided “you know what would be a good idea? If I emerge from a pool in a tiny swimsuit and finish the rest of song while sitting on Mase’s lap in a helicopter!” …we should have known things were going down hill.  We could go on for at least a few more paragraphs about weird butterfly symbolism,  stints of depression, the “how hasn’t one of your girlfriends told you maybe that’s not such a good idea” outfits, Glitter, crazy voicemail on Eminem’s answering machine, etc, etc, etc…  but we won’t. Instead, I’ll spend my weekend deciding whether or not this hilarious marriage trumps the Janet Jackson/Jermaine Dupree union.

- Playboy unveils energy drink – Most people want tickets to U2, game 7 of the NHL finals, the Olympic Gold Medal game or any famous event. Not me. I want tickets to an executive board room when decisions like this are made. Playboy energy drink?  How dumb to they think guys are? I know “branding” has a place in the world, but I don’t think we’re in the 70’s anymore where people will buy KISS everything because…..(actually, I don’t know how to finish that sentence? I’m convinced the popularity of KISS is an industry joke against the world. Much like those “ug” boots.  “Let’s make some really ugly boots. Literally call them ugly. Stick them on Cameron Diaz and see how many girls buy them!”) Anyway, the Playboy thing.  It astounds me.  Maybe the joke will be on me one day when I’m deciding between “hmm, that Booster Juice looks good and I could really use a pick-me-up, but man, that Playboy makes one heck of a magazine. This is a really tough call. The juice or the nude-magazine branded energy drink? Playboy energy drink it is!”

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!!!  I referred to Mariah and Mase in a remixed version of one of her first post-Mattola videos. What song/video was I referring to?

I’m sure I don’t need to insert pictures or tell you about what’s going on in Myanmar right now.  A lot of people could really use some help and it looks like things are getting settled so they’ll be able to get it.  Here are a couple links to sites where you can donate to cyclone victims.

 www.WorldVision.ca 

 www.redcross.ca 

www.thehumanitariancoalition.ca

I’ve been through the papers today and I’ve been watching the wire, but there are a few post-weekend things on my mind that frustrate me so that’s what you’re getting today. Before you continue you should know the content of this webFlow entry is absolutely irrelevant. (if you even started reading - 98% chance you just skipped right to the bonus code trivia. As for the 2% that constitutes my loyal readership; Thanks Mom & Dad!) 

Frustration #1 - Tom Clancy. Clancy is killin me right now. It took me a month to get through Debt of Honour (actually spelled, Honor…but I just can’t do it) A great read as usual, but a bit of a struggle keeping up with the 2,543 primary characters that Clancy decides to skatter through his book (and that’s without mentioning that each character uses a variety of names depending on where they fit in the espionage story lines, and then they have different names in Russian for their real name AND their cover name. Don’t get me started…that’s a different frustration). Anyway, I get through 987 pages of the 990 page book. Almost done, right? Well, not so much. With 3 pages to go Clancy flips the whole world around on me. I’m so unbelievably intrigued that I need to know what happens next. As you’d imagine, on my nerd-supreme book shelf I own the second half of this saga, Executive Decision. And of course, it’s 1300 pages deep. How am I ever going to read anything of actual substance? These Clancy books are about as good for my brain as an afternoon in a Dodge City opium tent. (After Debt of Honour, I actually began reading Angelo Dundee’s autobio/biography My View From the Corner. It’s phenomenal. I’m gonna mash through it in about 3 days so I’ll need to find something else before I re-immerse myself into the frightening/depressing/heroic world that is Clancy)

Frustration #2 - Milk. I have cartons of milk and cream that both expire today. May 5th. I know they’re probably still good for at least a couple days apiece, but I can’t do it. That stupid expiration date messes with my mind. Even if I go through all the testing procedures, I’ll gag on the milk like Ron Burgundy when it was so damn hot and milk was a bad choice. And if it says May 5th, does that mean it expires today or today is the last day it’s good? I don’t even know. In Seinfeld’s old material he made jokes about people who blindly followed milk experation dates. It really bothers me that I’ve become one of those people. (and I know I should be able to get through 1L of milk in a couple weeks, but I only use it for cooking or baking purposes - and rarely does milk make a cooking appearance and I’m certainly not comfortable enough in my masculinity to put on a frilly apron and bake. So it goes bad. I know I can drink it, but what kinda grown man drinks a glass of milk? Whether or not I’m a “grown man” >> up for debate)

Frustration #3 - Voicemail. It’s 2008, do people not know how to work this yet. I totally support you not wanting to leave a message. That’s cool, I do it all the time. But it bothers me to no end when I’m checking my voicemail and the pretty-computer-voiced-lady gives me the heads up, “First new message,” and then ……..click!?! Who sits through my whole “I’m not here…leave a message…beep” business and then hangs up? What happens with these people? Does the beep make them freeze up? I don’t know how this happens. When I’m dialing a number, I’ve already come to the decision that my call is either important enough to leave a message or it’s not. I never get all the way to the beep and think, “hmmm? well, not there eh? I never considered this possibility. What shall I do?”

Bonus Code Trivia!!! I talked about Debt of Honour and Executive Decision. Which classic Tom Clancy character has a prominent role in both of these books? Secondary trivia for a few more points; This character has been in all 3 (I refuse to include The Sum of All Fears) Clancy novel-based movies. Which actor played him the best?? (this question may appear subjective, but it’s not. The answer is the answer. That’s a fact)

- GTA IV - That’s Grand Theft Auto 4, for all those non-gamers out there. GTA is one of the biggest game franchises in the world and one of the few games that generates “crossover buzz.” Guess what? I have a problem with the attention this game is getting. Do I think it’s a bad influence? Yes. But not because of the ridiculous amounts of killing, stealing and drug slinging. GTA games encourage  the easy way out. That’s right. My problem with GTA isn’t the language and glorification of violence, it’s the cheat codes. Right now, kids are figuring out how to obtain unlimited life, ammunition and cash. That is what I take issue with! Listen kids, the only way you’ll feel good about finishing that game is if you do it the right way. So what if it takes you 476 hours instead of 355. What else are you going to do with that time? Go outside? Please, that’s loser talk. I don’t mean to be a moral elitist but I when start to play GTA IV, I’m going to play the game the right way. No cheat codes. So when I run over pedestrians in stolen cars, beat down old women with a pool cue, kill my business partner and best friend because he could be holding out on a drug deal, build up a roster of prostitutes, perfect the art of racketeering and frequently take my time in aiming my sniper rifle at an innocent bystander’s melon so I can cleany remove that person’s head from their body, I’ll be taking the moral high ground.

- Emergency Preparedness Week - Next week is when we focus on how to be prepared for emergencies. Here in the Corridor, that means a lot of preparation! As the News Committee was brainstorming which natural disasters we have to worry about in Sea to Sky Country, we decided the list of what we don’t have to worry about is a lot shorter! Really, I think the only thing we don’t need to really prepare for is tornados. So, next week we’ll hopefully cover the details of floods, tidal waves, earthquakes, land slides and volcanos. I’m pretty comfortable with all those scenarios, except the volcano part. If a lava geyser breaks out in my back yard, I’m not particularly sure I know what to do? (note; I’ve been to the umbrella store, evidently they don’t carry any models that can deflect magma. And don’t bother asking, apparently adamentium doesn’t really exist. Agree to disagree, geology)

- Olympic Uniforms and Attire- Rob Michaels already covered this in his blog. This is terrible. Are we sure we weren’t supposed to unveil this clothing line on April 1st? You know what, I’m going to look on the bright side here. We don’t need to make new protest signs! We’ll be able to protest the games and our embarassing uniforms with the same signs! (making our athletes wear this stuff has to count as a human rights violation, right?)  

- A Swedish Britney, minus the antics - The Globe and Mail’s Joshua Ostroff wrote an article about a Swede who’s supposed to be the same as Britney, only without the “problems.” Umm, is this some kind of riddle? What is Britney without the antics? Isn’t Mandy Moore the same as Britney without the antics? And how do we describe her; boring. This new girl’s name is Robyn - if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll get caught with her panties down. (is that a saying yet? I think it should be. It’s far more appropriate in our awesome 2008 culture than “caught with your pants down.”)

 - Naked Bowlers - As social nude recreation picks up steam, some nudists in New West have taken to naked bowling. All I know is, when I’m at the lanes I’m paranoid enough of getting my fingers caught between bowling balls on the return rack.

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! Grand Theft Auto games take place in their own parallel world. While the game’s geography is very similar to actual cities such as New York and Miami, the game uses different names for those cities. GTA IV takes place in Grand Theft Auto’s version of New York City - what’s the city called?

Quick webFlow entry today. I wasn’t planning on posting anything until I read an AP article which enraged me. It looks like the libation Stella Artois is raising its prices. I know food prices are rising so some things are going to bump…but Stella? Usually I feel like I’m in Bizarro World when I’m at a pub or party and people are drinking Stella. IT’S A GENERIC BEER, PEOPLE! I’m outraged at the price increase for two specific reasons; one, it’s the same beer as the American garbage people consume like Bud or Miller Lite (that’s right…you know the lowest common denominator is being appealed to when there has obviously been a conversation at the executive level where a VP says this - I’ll note that I may not even be paraphrasing; “Hmm? Well, I’m concerned about this silent ‘g’ and ‘h’. It may confuse our customers…let’s just spell out “lite” phonetically to be on the safe side). Meanwhile, people are spending almost twice as much for this Stella, which is the exact same! My second issue; The chief executive of Stella’s parent company, Carlos Brito, used this line when justifying the rate increase, “you see the possibilities to pass some of the cost to prices. If your brands are strong enough, you should take that opportunity.” Did you catch that? “Brands???” Are you sure you didn’t mean “product?” He’s saying the exact same thing I am! In a nutshell, Brito just told everyone, “Listen, we’ve been making suckers out of pretentious men for years. Why change now? If they’ve been willing to pay twice as much for half the flavour of a real beer, they deserve to shoulder this burden.”   I should also mention; I’ve always had a fundamental problem with a beer that doesn’t look out of place in a theatre lobby.

Trivia: While we’re on the topic of paying extra money for riduculous superficial things…GREAT NEWS…but for who??? Apple announced the iPhone is being released in a new country this year! What country has this great privilege?? Bonus Bonus Code Trivia…what supercalifragilisticexpialidocious communications company will make the iPhone available because they have the only compatible GSM network in said country?

- Oil Prices. Food Prices. Everything Prices - All signs are pointing to global chaos, mainly because everything in the world is about to jump up in price. Now I just back back from filling my car up with gas, so I’m extra bitter about this right now. Even better, it looks like some Iranian ship was fired upon by an American ship in an oil passage - which is apparently going to make the prices go up even more. Why am I bitter about this? I don’t think my gasoline or oil comes from Iran. In fact, last time I took note, very little of my oil or gas comes from any OPEC country. It’s been explained to me that OPEC sets the oil prices. I get that. But doesn’t the Organization of Oil and Petroleum Countries consist of Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Qatar, Indonesia, Socialist Peoples Libyan Arab Jamahiriyam, United Arab Emirates, Algeria, Ecuador, Angola and Gabon? I’m pretty sure it does. I don’t see Canada in there, do you? So why do our friends in Alberta charge the same amount? I’ll never understand this? Haven’t we already figured out how to squeeze more oil out of that nasty sand then we thought we’d be able to by 2025? So essentially the oil folk in our country are getting ultra, ultra rich off the ridiculous price per barrel OPEC is charging, mainly because they want to stick it to the USA Thus, we’re effectively sticking it to ourselves? What? Once again, I’m sure someone will email me with an attempt at an explanation… but it’s a lost cause because I’m not buying it. (the argument, that is. I’ll still be buying gas  You can count on that!)

The food problem is a whole different thing I take issue with. A lot of the problem is supposed to be stemming from the grain sector. Doesn’t the grain industry operate by letting huge amounts of wheat and grain go to waste every year just to make sure the prices stay high? (that’s right, Africa. That’s how we do!) So how do we have a food shortage? If there actually is a shortage, that’s some karma right there. Unfortunately, karma will be coming back to bite us all for what those greedy farmers have been doing for years. (although, I’m sure we’ve all benefited from the money our country brings in by exporting the stuff, so we’re probably not all that innocent. Of course, this type of thing has happened to one of our major “you need what we got” industries before. See; the Pine Beetle. I can’t wait to see how karma comes back to get us once we start exporting our water all over the world…that being said, by the time our planet gets to that point, I’m sure Canada will have unwillingly become the 51st star).

 - On a related note - GREAT NEWS! The Arctic Ice is Melting!!! - Don’t believe for a second that “the Man” isn’t ecstatic about this (side note; Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Sauron and the “the Man” from Undercover Brother - all the same “the Man”). While we’re showing sad pictures of polar bears in the middle of the ocean with nowhere to go, watching cool slideshows demonstrating water levels and seeing clip after clip of ice chunks falling off glaciers into the water, the powers-that-be are counting down the minutes until we can get to the oil under that ice. This arctic oil situation kills me. A few thousand years from now, when humans are trying Civilization; Take 2, instead of “a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is a gap or incongruity between what a speaker or a writer says, and what is generally understood,” the description of the arctic oil situation will be used as the definition of irony.

- Zimbabwe Police Raid Opposition Headquarters - I’ve never been more proud to be Canadian! We finally beat a corrupt and disheveled African government to the punch! Yay us. Now if we can only figure out how to repeatedly get caught bringing in huge shipments of defective Chinese firearms… (at least the lead content would be appreciated in that case, right?)

- Man dies from shark attack - This happened in San Diego, which really isn’t that far away. Of course, it happens just as I’m planning a tropical vacation. Luckily, I have no phobias about sharks. Every time we hear about a shark attack, what’s the one constant? That’s right, they all happen in the water. Of course a shark is going to get the better of a physical confrontation in their own habitat. The reason I’m not scared of sharks is because I know that if I ever have to go one-on-one with one of these creatures, It’ll be on my terms - dry land. Don’t ask me how I’ll do it…I have a plan. (unless someone attaches a “frickin’ laser beam” to their head. Then I’m in trouble)

- NBA Playoffs - I have strict orders NOT to talk or write about basketball (okay, maybe not strict orders, but it’s been implied). Bottom line, the Canada Raptors finally took a game against Orlando. Yes, they’re not that great. Yes, they’ll probably lose the series. But, the ACC was fire for the Raps’ first home game and I guarantee it’ll be the same for game 2 (Saturday at noon). Tune in!

 BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! In what will hopefully go down as one of the most ambitious and rude’ist moves in history. A certain country sent a submarine to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean at the North Pole and stuck their flag in the ground…thinking that would be a legitimate claim or something? (what is this, the Oklahoma land race?) What country’s flag is sitting at the bottom of the Arctic?

This is my first webFlow entry of the week. My excuse for not writing anything was that I haven’t seen anything to really write about? But honestly, I think my energy levels are just really low. We have a huge primary down south, mounties raiding party headquarters and a priest who strapped himself to a zillion party balloons and is hopefully still floating around the south atlantic somewhere. Of course there are things to write about. Then I saw this headline on the globeandmail.com, “Marriage + Kids + Money = Kiss Your Sleep Goodbye.” Obviously, the headline struck a cord. I understand the stresses of a family, a marriage and a budget can really cause someone to lose out on sleep and lose energy and suffer from high stress. Really, I get it. BUT…I have neither children, a wife or money?? so why am I having so many problems sleeping and staying energetic? Luckily, my levels of self awareness are Yoda’esque, therefore I’m confident I can find a solution to this problem and will pass my wisdom on to you. Here are Ted’s tips on how to get your mind and body right;

- Lazy is natural, so don’t sweat it - Sometimes I’m lazy. Real lazy. How lazy? Once the Colbert Report is done at midnight and I have no reason to continue the conscious portion of my day, I’ll often find myself too lazy to go to sleep. At that point in the day, it’s just too much effort. Now that is lazy. What I need to do is just live with it and accept it. Being lazy is fine. I hear people all the time complaining about how they’re lazy and they need to get up and do something. Whatever. Eventually the stress level caused by worrying about being lazy becomes the focus of that point in your life. How counterproductive is that? Being lazy and worrying about being lazy at the same time? Ridiculous. Be lazy. Love it. Find a hammock if you can. I’m sure eventually you’ll get up and walk somewhere or eat some granola or yogurt or something? If you’re going to do nothing, relish in it, don’t fight it.

- Don’t “take the stairs” - I see all these magazines at the check-out aisle telling people how they can squeeze working out into their normal routine? What a crock. Working out is for working out - sitting around at your desk is for sitting around at your desk. That’s a fact. The last thing people need is to take the stairs all day instead of the elevator or to do some kinda break-time yoga. Why? You’ll end up thinking you’re doing a good thing for yourself, but as soon as that post-workout euphoria is gone, you’re gonna start to be a little self-conscious about the potential post-workout funk. Even though it’s likely a mind funk fabrication, you’re still gonna think about it. The worry will grow, grow and grow until you don’t feel comfortable with yourself, thus eliminating anything positive that came from your trips up the stairs to begin with. If you want to go to the gym, for a run, a bike ride or do some pilates - fine, but don’t mix it with work.

- Don’t be a jerk - You can leave your water bottle at your desk. Believe me, the water will not evaporate if you separate yourself from your bottle for ten minutes. If someone asks “what are you drinking?” You’re allowed to just say “tea.” You can leave out the “green.” Trust me, you can do it. If you want to get the salad at the restaurant, that’s cool with me. Get whatever you want, but don’t be reading the menu aloud and talking down the burger section as you go. You know you do it. Yes, the Mozza-Burger is unhealthy. Yes, I know that. Yes, I’m getting it. Yes, I’m getting it with fries and hopefully some type of dipping sauce. I’m going to enjoy it and I’m not going to feel bad about it. I hope you enjoy your spinach leaves with balsamic on the side. I know you won’t, but I hope you will.

- I know you shouldn’t eat that. I know you will eat that. Just be quiet and enjoy it - Whether you eat something unhealthy once in a while or all the time, enjoy it. If it’s someone’s anniversary and cake is being passed around - you know you’re going to have a piece - so don’t tell everyone “I know I shouldn’t.” We all know that. There is no healthy-high-ground for people that insist on feeling bad about eating a piece of cake. Eating isn’t Christianity. You can’t make it right by feeling guilty about it. Eat the cake. Enjoy the cake. And don’t convince yourself you’ll “walk it off” later. You won’t. When you say you’ll “walk it off” later, it’s just guilt procrastination.

I’m going over my self-imposed word count, but I’m sure I’ll be back with more advice later. Before everyone fills my inbox with “thank you’s,” don’t worry, I fully plan on getting a book deal for my great health of body and mind advice.

BONUS CODE TRIVIA!!! I mentioned one of my favourite shows, The Colbert Report. The character of Stephen Colbert started out as a correspondent for what show??

Surprise, Surprise. It looks like the French have tucked their tails between their legs and run for cover. This time, Les Francais have surrendered to the anti-anorexia pushers. Okay, I’m obviously kidding. There was no way I could write a France focused entry without making a surrender reference. Now that I have that out of the way…