Mike Farwell

Of all the lessons I learned as a kid — look both ways before crossing the street, don’t spit on the sidewalk, never pee into the wind — this was one that escaped me.

Let me make one thing clear right away — I do not usually eat beef jerky, nor do I usually eat in the dark. Not that there’s anything wrong with either practice. But as it would happen, I had a bag of beef jerky left over from one of the countless hockey games I watched last week during the Memorial Cup (Jack Link’s was a pretty big sponsor). Last night after getting home from work, I figured a little baseball and a bag of beef jerky were the perfect way to unwind before bed. I didn’t bother turning on a light. Instead, I let the glow of the TV set the mood as I tore into that bag of beef jerky and settled in for some quiet time.

Things were going fine until one handful of the salty meat (can you really call beef jerky meat?) came up with an odd texture and no flavour whatsoever. I knew right away what I had done, but I didn’t care. I finished the rest of my beef jerky, stayed with the Jays until the 7th inning (long enough to see that great catch by Alex Rios in centrefield, by the way), and only went to the kitchen and turned on a light about 15 minutes later.

Sure enough in my hand — and previously in my mouth — was one of those little packets that you’ll still find in some products. I think this one was called a “Moisture Keeper” or some such thing and, as expected, it clearly said “Do Not Eat.” Fortunately for me, while it ended up in my mouth momentarily, it was never punctured.

And that, my children, is why you should never eat beef jerky in the dark.