Cynical Cinema

“They’re attracted to my whistly holes!”

Paramount Home Entertainment is releasing Spongebob Squarepants, Season 5 Volume 2, on November 18th. If you recently picked up Spongebob Squarepants: Pest of the West, or Spongebob: WhoBob WhatPants, then you will already have two thirds of the episodes on this set. Pest of the West contains seven episodes, WhoBob WhatPants contains six, and Season Five, Volume Two contains twenty-one episodes. Which means eight of them are new.

WhoBob WhatPants features the following episodes: What Ever Happened To Spongebob?, where he develops amnesia and becomes mayor of New Kelp City, Goo Goo Gas, where Plankton turns Mr. Krabs, and just about everyone else, into babies. The Two Faces of Squidward, where Squidward breaks his face and becomes gorgeous. Spongehenge, one of my personal favourites, where Spongebob creates a bunch of giant stone Spongebobs with whistly holes to attract jellyfish. Banned In Bikini Bottom, where the United Organization of Fish Against Things Fun and Delicious (UOFATFD) channels the HUAC. And finally, Stanley S. Squarepants, where Spongebob’s useless cousin Stanley comes to town and wrecks Bikini Bottom. Here is my review:

http://blog.rogersradiointernet.com/cynicalcinema/2008/10/13/spongebob-squarepants-whobob-whatpants-out-tomorrow-810/

Pest of the West has these episodes: Pest of the West, where Spongebob gets into a Western movie showdown with Dead-Eye Plankton in the 1880s. The Krusty Plate, where Spongebob fights with a spot on a plate…for an entire episode. Pat No Pay, an episode where Patrick eats his weight in Krabby Patties, and gets put to work by Mr. Krabs. The Inmates of Summer, a super episode where Spongebob ends up directing a musical theatre performance by prison inmates. To Save A Squirrel, where Sandy tricks Spongebob and Patrick into attending a survival camp. 20,000 Patties Under The Sea, where Spongebob and Patrick start delivering Krabby Patties in a submarine. (That one also features the creepiest line in all of Spongebob - “I liiiiike Squidward”) And finally, The Battle of Bikini Bottom, where two factions square off against each other - those who wash their hands and those who don’t. Here is the review of that one:

http://blog.rogersradiointernet.com/cynicalcinema/2008/04/15/spongebob-pest-of-the-west-out-today/

So really, with this Season 5 Volume 2 collection, I’m reviewing the eight new episodes. Which are just as good as the thirteen old ones. Atlantis Squarepantis takes Spongebob, Patrick, Sandy, Squidward and Mr. Krabs on a trip to the undersea paradise of Atlantis. It’s a pretty straightforward episode, longer than most, with some great moments. Then there’s Picture Day, where Spongebob desperately tries to get to boating school without getting dirty.  Ah hell.  I’m not going to go through episode-by episode, because I’m sick of it.  Fact is, Season Five Volume Two is worth it because it’s that much more Spongebob.  Which is for the best.  Pick it up.

Paramount Home Entertainment releases another Spongebob DVD on October 14th. WhoBob WhatPants features a special episode of Spongebob where he screws a bunch of stuff up, makes his friends angry, decides to leave town forever, develops amnesia, and becomes mayor of New Kelp City. He runs afoul of some gangster fish who appear to have just emerged from an underwater version of West Side Story. I am going to put this out there right now: Spongebob is still one of the best shows on television. Not just one of the best kids’ shows, but one of the best television programs, period. And it’s actually…smart? Like a kid-centric Simpsons or Family Guy, Spongebob remains consistently hilarious and totally watchable. I didn’t pick up this DVD for the kids, I grabbed it for myself. I love this show.

Included on this DVD are five other episodes of this awesome show. One where Plankton turns Mr. Krabs into a baby in order to obtain this formula for Krabby Patties, and one where Squidward becomes disfigured in an accident, but his disfigurement leaves him looking handsome, and the whole town of Bikini Bottom goes crazy for him. There is an absolutely fantastic episode, when a harsh wind blowing through the town makes music when it passes through Spongebob’s pores, which attracts jellyfish to him. This creates one of the most memorable lines I can remember in recent Spongebob history - “they’re attracted to my whistly holes”. It also leads Spongebob to build a strange yet awesome underwater version of Stonehenge. Or, Spongehenge. Then there is the episode featuring the United Organization of Fish Against Things Fun and Delicious, which bans Krabby Patties, and the episode where Spongebob’s cousin comes to town and messes up everyone’s life.

The special features are nothing interesting. The best one is a series of four shorts, entitled “What If Spongebob Was Gone?”, but each one is about 20 seconds long, and it’s fairly worthless. But the DVD is worth picking up just for the Spongebob show itself, which remains one of my favourites. Go Spongebob!

Hero Wanted is a rather painful experience.  I like Ray Liotta, who is a pretty solid, you-get-what-you-expect B-Movie actor.  Unfortunately, with Cuba Gooding Jr. you also get what you expect.  And, from him, I expect absolute crap.  Every movie this guy’s been in since Boyz N The Hood, he’s been just awful.  He seems to be that rare actor that gets worse with every passing year and project.  His finest acting performance may well have been in one of those MacGyver episodes when he was a teenager.  (Ironically, that chick who played Blossom - Mayim Bialik - also did her best work on MacGyver.)  And in Hero Wanted, Gooding is predictably putrid and unconvincing as a man on a quest for vengeance.  This is basically the same role that has been played by some very good actors in recent years -Jodie Foster, Kevin Bacon, and of course Charles Bronson.

 Speaking of Charles Bronson, there was a movie made about eight years ago called Boondock Saints (a far better movie), in which the two main characters, played by Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus, make reference a few times to Charles Bronson.  It’s the way Boondock Saints tipped it’s hat to the Bronson revenge fantasy flicks that preceded it, movies that clearly had an influence on the film.  Now here comes Hero Wanted, and where is the tip of the hat to Bronson?  Or for that matter, to Boondock Saints?  As it turns out, this movie is, throughout it’s hour-and-a-half running time, completely ripping off Boondock Saints.  Here’s how.

The guy starring with Gooding?  Norman Reedus from Boondock Saints.  Maybe the film makers thought that his involvement was in itself a big enough hat-tip.  It isn’t.  Ray Liotta plays an unusually smart and literate cop who makes amazing leaps in logic to close in on the real killer, all the while talking down to his subordinates and sending them out to get him coffee when they say something stupid.  Just like Willem Dafoe does in Boondock Saints.  He begins to feel empathy for, and identify with, the vigilante, just like Dafoe.  Cuba Gooding becomes, through some strange circumstances, a vigilante out for vengeance, just like Reedus and Flannery in Boondock Saints.  The director (first-timer Brian Smrz) loves the camera shot that goes around the characters in a sweeping circle, the kind of shot made popular by…Boondock Saints.  The big finale features a surprise appearance by an ex-marine badass killing machine, and every character has two guns, just like the big finale in Boondock Saints.  The killing scenes are shown piece by piece, where the scene begins, then they cut away, then the cops show up to piece it together, then we see how the scene plays out.  Just like in Boondock Saints.  The list goes on.

The movie starts with Cuba Gooding at a bar, playing an unconvincing drunk.  His drinking problem is easily explained away with the old quick, trite explanation.  Dead wife and unborn child, nothing to live for, and so on and so forth.  Then we see him working as a garbage man with Norman Reedus as a partner, when out of nowhere a car crash happens right in front of them.  Gooding jumps into the car and saves the little girl trapped inside, while the car burns.  He becomes an instant hero.  It’s the only good thing he’s done with his life…and so forth.  But he’s still a messed up weirdo, and he becomes obsessed with a girl who works as a bank teller.  When he approaches her, and the bank is robbed, she gets shot in the head.  He goes a little nuts, and tracks down the robbers one by one, in a quest for vengeance.  The fact that he knows who the robbers are and the police don’t gives away the ending right away, but I’ll leave out the quirky little details in case someone actually wants to see Gooding struggle his way through this painful movie.

Not only is Cuba Gooding Jr. unconvincing as a vigilante, he is also pretty bad at it.  He seems to need to deliver that one, last, tough-guy line before he kills someone, which gives them a chance to avoid death and fight him before he (obviously) eventually comes out on top.  As Eli Wallach said in The Good The Bad And The Ugly, “if you’re going to shoot, shoot!  Don’t talk!”  And the ending is ridiculous and implausible in virtually every way.  The more emotional and heartwrenching the ending tries to be, the more I laughed.  By the time Gooding inexplicably gets the girl, I was in stitches, pausing the movie several times because my sides hurt.  It’s almost worth watching just for that kind of hilarity.  But it isn’t.  Stay far away from this garbage.

I have heard many people complaining about Bee Movie. How it was too adult for kids and too kiddy for adults and so forth. But I disagree. Bee Movie is a Seinfeld movie. Jerry Seinfeld was having dinner with Steven Spielberg, and he said “wouldn’t it be funny if someone made a movie called Bee Movie, and it was all about bees?” And there you have it. Seinfeld is about the only guy in Hollywood not named Spielberg who has that kind of clout. Hey, wouldn’t it be neat - and it’s done. And I’m glad it was done. This movie is good. It’s funny, it’s smart, and kids will like it whether they understand it or not. I watched it today with the two kids. One is thirteen and one is eight, and both had a lot of fun watching it. In fact, the 13-year-old is watching it again, a couple of hours later, with his mom upstairs right now.

The fact is, it is not too adult for kids. For four-year-olds, maybe. But even if you’re eight, you will get it. My younger step-son pestered me with questions through the entire movie. What’s a writ? What’s litigation? What’s a class action? And you know, although he did not understand those terms while watching the movie, he does now. And that’s a good thing. The premise of the story is that bees can talk. They have always been able to talk, but they are prohibited from talking to human beings because it’s a bee rule never to do so. But when Barry B. Benson (I think that’s his name) decides he does not want to work for the honey plant for the rest of his life, and talks to a human being, it sets off a chain of events that leads to him suing humankind over honey. There are some hilarious laugh-out-loud moments in the film. The Larry King piece is hilarious, the Winne the Pooh bit as well, and the scene where he first talks to the woman is one of the funniest I’ve seen in an animated movie.

The real stroke of awesomeness in Bee Movie is this - it is, actually, a B-Movie. It has all the earmarks of a B-Movie. The big dramatic but obvious finish, the campy dialogue, and Ray Liotta. Casting Ray Liotta as himself in this movie was a stroke of genius. The ultimate B-Movie actor in a B-Movie called Bee Movie. Get it? If only Bruce Campbell had showed up as well. Some serious voice talent does appear, however. Sting plays himself, as does Larry King. Oprah plays a judge, and John Goodman, Chris Rock, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, Rip Torn and Kathy Bates all make appearances. Of course, however, the real star is Jerry Seinfeld, who does the voice of Barry. It gives the whole movie this absurdist feel, as though you’re watching a Seinfeld episode re-enacted by bees. Even Michael Richards appears, to give more Seinfeld flavour to the experience. And this movie also has the best use of the Beatles’ song Here Comes The Sun that you are likely to hear in a film. It’s done by Sheryl Crow, and it doesn’t quite compare to some other covers. (I personally love the version done by Alison Moorer, as well as a reggae classic cover by Peter Tosh.) But it fits so well with this movie. This is a great movie.

If a movie is going to be confusing, that is fine. If you have to watch that movie a second time in order to fully understand everything, that is fine. If you need a third or fourth viewing, I’m OK with that too. However, these movies rarely do great at the box office. Most of their money is made on DVD, where people can watch the film over and over in order to understand what’s going on. This worked very well for The Usual Suspects, Fight Club, Memento…all great movies, all difficult to follow, all requiring at the very least a second viewing. But that is the key. If you are going to make a movie like that, make it worthwhile. Make it entertaining enough and cool enough and mysterious enough that people want to sit through it a second time. If you put a lot of effort into making your movie actually make sense, then you should make sure people will watch it enough to actually make sense of it. This is the problem with Slipstream, it is the problem with Southland Tales, and it is the biggest problem with Revolver.

Jason Statham stars in Revolver as a man who has just been let out of prison. He tracks down the guy who put him behind bars, Ray Liotta, and goes after him. Then he finds out that he has only three days to live, and meets two strange men (Big Pussy from The Sopranos and Andre 3000 from Outkast) who blackmail him into doing some bad things. Or are they actually bad things? Statham is the ultimate B-level star, a guy who will never make the jump to Bruce Willis status, but remain forever mired on a Jean-Claude Van Damme level of celebrity. The Transporter movies, Crank (where he has one day to live), War, just about everything he has done has made money, but they are, make no mistake, B movies. As is Revolver. Ray Liotta is a B-level actor as well. Some say the ultimate B-movie actor. And this movie is B class all the way. But it is trying SO HARD not to be. It tries SO hard to be the next Memento or Fight Club. Mystery upon mystery, layer upon layer, enigmas and red herrings and twists and turns and revelations. All the while, Statham does a voice over that smacks of self-satisfaction, analogies to chess and The Art Of War and philosophy and Machiavelli. However, these references are not nearly as smart as the makers of Revolver think they are.

And in the end, the movie does not sustain enough momentum to make it worth watching again. The end screwed me up the first time. I kind of got it, but not fully. And yet, the movie itself was not compelling enough to watch it again. His motivations seem clearly explained by his chess-related voiceovers, but if you look a little below the surface, nothing he does makes any sense, if he is as smart as he seems to think he is. Then there are these weird “artsy” animated bits thrown in, I can’t imagine why. This film is so self-satisfied and so obnoxious that even if the ending baffles you, you will never go back to check it out yourself. This movie is not smart, it is not deep, and it is not good.

First came House of the Dead.  Then Alone in the Dark.  Then Bloodrayne.  And now comes Uwe Boll’s absolute best film!  On the heels of several of the most putrid, stinky directorial efforts in the history of cinema, Boll has managed to create a film that is merely putrid and smelly.  I recognized just about every actor in this movie, which stuns me.  How is this guy, the most villified director working today, able to convince people to appear in his films?  Well, it provides a pretty decent barometer for actors.  Which ones actually care about their craft, and which ones are in it only for the money.  In The Name of the King features the following actors who are in it only for the money:  Jason Statham, Claire Forlani, Lelee Sobieski, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Kristanna Loken, Ron Perlman, Matthew Lillard and John Rhys-Davies.

 Why do you need a name actor (albeit not BIG-name actors) in every major role in a film?  When you have an inexplicable budget of 80 million dollars and no idea how to spend it.  What costs a lot of money?  Name actors.  Perfect.  So…we still have money left?  Good.  Let’s spend it on swooshy foggy special effects.  We can use that like forty times in the movie before it irritates people!  And since we have more than two hours to tell our story, but only six minutes of actual story, let’s have super-long battle scenes.  Each thirty-minute battle scene ought to have at least four thousand jump cuts, since it has been proven that movie audiences are unable to focus on a given image for more than one tenth of a second.  And they HATE knowing what’s happening in a battle.

Given the fact that one and a half hours of this two hour plus movie is taken up with sword fighting and battleaxes and creepy evil creatures killing innocent villagers and children, giving it a PG rating is bonkers.  By the standards of the MPAA, this movie does in fact fit into the PG area.  There is no real blood, and what blood there is is some kind of black smokey stuff.  Boll seems so intent on getting that rating, however, that the fighting is boring and sanitized and very confusing.  Which means three quarters of the movie is boring and sanitized and confusing.  Getting name actors at the very least means that you are getting fairly decent actors.  Which also means that when you cram them into this pile of garbage, it’s even more painful watching them struggle to make something interesting out of the horrible dialogue and idiotic set-pieces.  They literally have nothing to do, and no opportunity is given to them to make this any better.

The non-name actors, however, seem to think they are in a Shakespeare play.  They deliver their lines with stage-actor pomp and pretension, projecting their lines at some non-existent audience.  And at the beginning, the movie is written as though someone thought he was Shakespeare.  “Respect doth need be earned by the mass of men.  Mine be my birthright!”  What?  Mercifully, this ends fairly quickly and the movie forgets about it’s pretensions to the Bard by Minute Twenty-one.  Then the movie gets into painful, through-the-eyeball-into-the smoky-swirly shots, and slow-motion camera work that follows every object around as it is carried from  place to place. 

The movie is more than two hours long, and yet, plot points pop up incredibly abruptly.  You are the son of the king!  Wait…what?  Couldn’t there have been some kind of buildup there?  This leads to the film having absolutely no sense of pacing whatsoever.  Burt Reynolds seems to be channeling his lackluster performance from Striptease, there are multiple bizarre shots straight out of Tremors, there are ninjas.  Ninjas that do everything in a synchronized fashion, as though they are competing in the new Olympic demonstration event, synchronized ninja-ing.  The soundtrack music is awful and intrusive, there is a scene where Jason Statham and Burt Reynolds hold hands - in slow-motion!  Hundreds of “why did that guy do that”, or “what happened to that guy”, or “how did that guy get there” moments, and the grand finale involves a swordfight where the swords are controlled by the minds of magicians and - fight themselves!  There is nothing in this movie worth watching, nothing worth mentioning, and nothing that didn’t make me angry.  But it IS the best one Uwe Boll has ever done.