Cynical Cinema

Alliance Films is releasing Hell Ride on October 28th, and I really had no idea what to make of this movie. It’s a campy biker movie in the style of the silly B-movies of the 60s and 70s. It makes little sense, it’s gruesome and violent, the characters are weird and badly drawn, the dialogue is cheesy and silly, and yet…I really enjoyed it. Part of it is the actors. Michael Madsen plays a gunfighter named “The Gent”. He’s a biker who wears frilly shirts and cracks jokes. Most of the fun lines in the movie belong to Madsen and Dennis Hopper, who is totally in his element as a half way crazy old biker named “Eddie Zero” who may still be the toughest guy around. It’s a cross between his role in Easy Rider and his unforgettable scene with Christopher Walken in True Romance.

The genesis of Hell Ride was a day when Tarantino had Larry Bishop over to his house to watch a print of The Savage Seven, a violent biker B-movie from 1968.  They realized that there hadn’t been a real biker movie in decades.  Which maybe was a good thing.  But the next thing they did was to create Hell Ride, a genuine biker B-movie directed by Bishop and produced by Tarantino.  It was to be (and certainly is) a throwback, a tribute to the silly yet entertaining biker movies of the 60s and 70s.  Like Hells Angels On Wheels, or Angel Unchained.

Joining Madsen in the cast are two other alumni of Tarantino’s Kill Bill. Larry Bishop plays “Pistolero”, the leader of the Victors motorcycle gang. And David Carradine shows up for a memorable scene as “The Deuce”, a character who is never fully explained but who gets his anyway. Eric Balfour from 24 plays “Comanche”, and Vinnie Jones is terrific as “Billy Wings”, the leader of the bad-guy biker gang. The basic plot (in as much as there is one) of the film revolves around Pistolero, Comanche and The Gent trying to retrieve a safety deposit box from Billy Wings to make good on a promise that Pistolero made to a woman many years ago. This leads to a biker war, complete with gunfights, beheadings, torture, brutal murders, a few slit throats and several people set on fire. Oh, and also strippers, boobs, and one of the most awkward, uncomfortable and unsexy attempts at being sexy by Leonor Varela, one of the hottest women in the world. Her strip-tease moment on a pool table must be seen to be believed. It is absolutely hilarious. I’m not really sure whether it was supposed to be.

The best thing about Hell Ride, however, is the dialogue. Here is an example of the type of dialogue contained in this bonkers screenplay, to the best of my recollection:

“That’s none of your business.”
“I’m making it my business.”
“It’s my business to make sure it doesn’t become your business.”
“Who entrusted you with that?”
“That’s my business.”
“OK. Let’s get down to business.”

Seriously, that is what a large portion of this movie sounds like. Then there’s a long exchange between Varela and Bishop about firemen and putting out fires and fire retardant materials and fireproof materials and fighting fire with fire. It is absolutely bonkers, it is terrible dialogue, but it is idiotic on purpose. These characters think they are being totally badass and clever by saying these things, but we, the audience, understand that this is some pretty stupid stuff to be saying. And it just adds to the wonderfully campy feel of the movie. And that is just what Hell Ride is. Wonderfully campy nonsense. Bloody, violent, badass nonsense. And it’s totally enjoyable.

Alliance Films came out with the Blade trilogy on August 26th.  It’s a two-disc edition, with two of the movies on one disc and one on the other.  There are no terrific special features, it’s just a plain, bargain set of the three Blade films in a package that is conveniently the same size as every other DVD in your collection.  And if you don’t have these films already, this is one you should add to your collection.  Here’s why:

Blade (8/10):  The original Blade movie was terrific, a real breath of fresh air in the world of comic book movies.  Wesley Snipes was big, muscular, bad-ass and mean.  Kris Kristofferson was amazing as Whistler, Blade’s mentor.  And Stephen Dorff was terrific as the bad guy, a vampire who wanted to trigger the Blood Tide - an event that would, I think, turn everyone in the world into a vampire.  Or something.  The point is, this movie was awesome.  Sword fighting, guns, vampires disintegrating and great special effects, and Snipes as the most ass-kicking, toughest, meanest comic book character of all time.  There was even some good comedy - mostly provided by Donal Logue, who kept getting his arm chopped off.  And for the really cult comic book fans - some appearances by Traci Lords and Udo Kier.  Terrific!

Blade II (10/10):  By far, the best of the series.  Directed by Guillermo Del Toro (Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth), this film is as pulse-pounding and visually impressive as any comic book adaptation could aspire to be.  (Well, until 2008 when The Dark Knight came along.)  Snipes is now even more bad-ass, and he is given some awfully cool villains with which to work.  Luke Goss appears as Nomak, a new breed of vampire that preys on both humans AND vampires.  So now the vampires want a truce with Blade, because they are after the same enemy for once.  And Blade hooks up with the Blood Pack, a cheesily-named group of vampire bad-asses who have been training their whole lives to kill Blade, but now must work with him.  Ron Perlman, as the tough-guy leader of the Blood Pack, is amazing.  And even the secondary characters are cool actors - Norman Reedus as a stoner hippie helping Blade and Whistler, and Asian action movie legend Donnie Yen even shows up as a kung-fu fighting member of the Blood Pack.  And the vampire princess, played by Leonor Varela, is one of the hottest women ever in a movie.  Visually stunning, never-ending action, and some seriously bad-ass characters and actors made this movie not just a guilty pleasure, but the best in the trilogy.

Blade: Trinity (3/10):  One of the biggest letdowns I have ever had at a movie.  Del Toro is gone as director, replaced by David S. Goyer.  Kristofferson is gone early in the film, replaced by Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel.  And I really like Ryan Reynolds - he even has some solid comedic scenes in this film.  But an action star?  Jessica Biel an action star?  I know she really wants to be, and she keeps trying and trying to be one, but she isn’t an action star.  Or a great actress.  She’s hot.  That’s about it.  I mean, stick to movies where you are hot.  Those, you can do.  Blade II had Ron Perlman and Donnie Yen.  Blade Trinity can only suffer by comparison.  But it isn’t just Reynolds and Biel that are the problem.  Snipes is the only genuine action star in the movie, but he is given just about nothing to do.  The script is dreadful, the concept just doesn’t work, and there are some really long, extended scenes that make absolutely no sense.  The other Blade films were genuinely dark, tough, gritty entries that could, on some level, be considered horror films.  This one is an absolute joke.  Not only that, Blade is now the co-star.  In his own film.  Because Biel and Reynolds are the real action stars.  Come on!  This one is total garbage.

 The two-disc Blade trilogy came out August 26th from Alliance Films.  Pick it up!  And ignore that third one.