Cynical Cinema

Alliance Films releases 3-2-1 Penguins: Save The Planets on October 14th. While 3-2-1 Penguins is done by the same people who do VeggieTales, this series does not make it to the level of VeggieTales in terms of humour and fun. The fun in this series seems to be derived simply from the fact that there are penguins. And they’re in space. Whee! Simply having a ridiculous premise seems to be enough for 3-2-1 Penguins. The characters are all the standard ones you find in cartoons all over the world, especially the leader of the penguins, a big dude with Elvis hair who is a complete idiot. So…he makes the wrong decisions, and the rest of the crew have to compensate. Nothing we (or our kids) haven’t seen hundreds of times before.

This particular DVD features three episodes of the show, and the humour in each individual episode comes from more ludicrous ideas. So…they’re on a planet, and it’s populated by talking sheep! Hilarious, no? They throw peanut butter at their computer! This is about all the funny they can manage. And it isn’t that much. And then at the end of each episode, the human characters, Jason and Michelle, learn some kind of moral. Like, the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. It’s a pretty irritating show, and it’s no VeggieTales.

The rating on The Forbidden Kingdom is PG-13.  At least, on the box, that’s what it says.  Frankly, this is one of the least violent PG-13 movies I have ever seen.  There is no swearing, and not one single boob.  I think people see “kung-fu” and immediately think there must be enough violence to justify a PG-13.  But only a few kung-fu movies are truly brutal and bloody and violent.  And The Forbidden Kingdom is certainly not one of them.  Many kung-fu movies could well be considered kids’ fare, and I think this is one of them.  The martial arts scenes, while they are good and well choreographed by Yuen Woo Ping (Kill Bill, Fearless, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon), they are for the most part bloodless and at times almost cartoonish.

This movie appears to be made for children, and now is the time to do that, what with the success of the amazing Kung Fu Panda recently.  The key here is Jackie Chan.  His American movies, for the most part, have been kids’ movies.  The teaming of Chan and Jet Li is, in a sense, historic.  But teaming Li with Chow Yun-Fat would have made, one would assume, for a far more violent and dark outing.  The Forbidden Kingdom is a breezy, silly, comedic film about a staff, a monkey king, and a drunken master.  No one plays the drunken master quite like Jackie Chan, and no one plays a monkey kung-fu king quite like Jet Li.

That being said, the movie isn’t all that good.  After all, this is the teaming of Jet Li and Jackie Chan.  And the star is a young white kid?  Michael Angarano finds a staff, gets transported back into ancient China, and embarks on a quest to return the staff to the monkey king.  He is accompanied by two teachers, Li and Chan, who have a sort of half-assed rivalry between themselves.  He encounters a young Chinese girl, for the purposes of having a romantic entanglement.  And then there are the bad guys, like the Jade King and his main assassin, a ruthless woman with long white hair.  All the kung-fu movie cliches are present in this film, and while it seems as though they are trying to pay homage to the tradition of kung-fu flicks, it sometimes feels more like they are going through the motions.

The kung-fu action is pretty good, if cartoonish.  The story is weak, but standard.  The one thing I really liked about this movie, however, is that the young kid at the centre of the whole thing makes some sense.  Usually, in a kung-fu film, when someone is destined to do something, they are either a martial arts master who has been trained since birth, or they have some kind of magical power that is unleashed after three weeks of training with a master.  In this case, after his all-too-brief training with Li and Chan, Jason is NOT that good at martial arts.  He can’t defeat the Jade King, or his assassin, on his own.  After all, he’s been trained for a mere three weeks.  He needs Jet Li and Jackie Chan to come to his rescue at the end.  And that is the most original thing about this movie.

Not a great movie for kung-fu buffs, not the brilliance one would hope for from the pairing of Chan and Li, and not exactly earth-shattering.  But for the kids, who are riding the kung-fu wave after Kung-Fu Panda, this is a pretty great film to watch as a follow-up.

Alliance Films is releasing another VeggieTales DVD on Tuesday, September 30th. Where’s God When I’m S-Scared is just another VeggieTales DVD. Nothing terribly special about it, it’s just an episode about being scared at night and God helping out somehow. Because God, you see, is bigger than whatever it is that frightens you. So there is no point in being terrified of the dark, or the night, or Julia Stiles, because God can kick all of their asses. Or, at least, that’s what I learned from this. And although VeggieTales remains a little too preachy for my liking, at least it does the “good” kind of preaching. Like, everybody is worth something, and don’t discriminate, and don’t be selfish. That sort of thing. You know, the good religion. And this particular VeggieTales DVD features the best part of the show - the songs.

A few months ago, Alliance released a DVD full of nothing but the silly songs from VeggieTales. Those remain the best part of the show, and the two little episodes on this DVD are no different. A song about Daniel being thrown to the lions is particularly entertaining, as is the bizarre song about a water buffalo. There is even a special feature episode of something called 3-2-1 Penguins, which is another animated show that appears to have nothing to do with VeggieTales at all, except that it’s kinda preachy too. That one you can skip.

Casper: Trick Or Treat is really the Casper The Friendly Ghost Classics Collection Volume One. Alliance Films is releasing the DVD Tuesday, September 30th, as a way to get some Hallowe’en stuff out to the shelves before the day comes up. While Casper must appeal to some nostalgia buffs out there, I’m not sure it holds up over time. Casper, you see, is a friendly ghost. And he lives with three other ghosts, who are irritated at Casper’s friendliness. You see, they feel that the main purpose of a ghost is to scare people. And Casper isn’t really living up to his end of the being-a-ghost bargain. Except that in reality, he is.

You see, much to Casper’s chagrin, he does scare people. Simply by being a ghost. In his Hallowe’en special, he can go around outside, and no one is scared, because it’s Hallowe’en and everyone assumes he’s dressed up as a ghost. But when they see him passing through doors and trees and so forth, they realize he’s for real, and they’re terrified. So the other three ghosts really have no reason to be upset. Whether he likes it or not, he IS scaring people, and there is actually no problem at all. While Casper: Trick Or Treat is pretty good for nostalgia, it isn’t terribly good for Hallowe’en.

Alliance Films is releasing Fat Albert’s Hallowe’en Special on Tuesday, September 30th. That gives you a full month to load up on Hallowe’en-themed cartoon series like Casper and Fat Albert. Like I said about Casper, I’m not entirely sure how many people are going to leap to the store to purchase Fat Albert’s Hallowe’en Special simply because it’s being offered around Hallowe’en time. It strikes me that it may well be a better idea to get a bunch of scary movies and go from there.

However, if you have small children who are not yet of an age where a family viewing of Texas Chainsaw Massacre is appropriate, perhaps this is the ideal product. Fat Albert’s Hallowe’en Special really does work for children. Bill Cosby managed to give this show a certain amount of charm even in the most bland episodes. The Hallowe’en Special comes with two bonus episodes, introduced by a very young Cosby himself, and they are better than the Hallowe’en one. One is about a prankster who gets his comeuppance, and one is about the silliness of superstitions. Just the kind of stuff that educates kids while entertaining them. If, you know, you’re kids appreciate Bill Cosby’s sense of humour.

Mike Myers is a comic genius. His ability to create memorable characters is limitless, and every movie franchise he touches turns to gold. The Scottish dad in So I Married an Axe Murderer. The big fat Scottish guy in Austin Powers. The fun, green, fat Scottish ogre in Shrek. OK…maybe he can only create memorable Scottish characters. And Wayne from Wayne’s World…and Dr. Evil.

Remember the second Austin Powers movie? How it was virtually scene-for-scene the same movie as the first? And the third one was just a lame follow-up, where it was one long recycled “British people have bad teeth” joke? With Shrek 3, Mike Myers proved once again that while his ideas start out great, they have very little staying power. Shrek 3 is one big long ogres like farting and they smell bad joke. We get it. He’s an ogre. It’s what they do. Justin Timberlake makes an appearance in the film as a would-be king whose relevance to the movie is questionable at best. Shrek is no longer the most interesting character, the donkey and the cat are now tiresome, and I started to wish I could watch the spinoff movie starring the gingerbread man. THAT guy is still funny.

Shrek 3 is not a case of too much of a good thing, it’s a case of too much of the same thing. Much like that Shrek song, All-Star, by that band Smashmouth, it gets pretty irritating the third time around. Although I will say this. The film looks absolutely amazing on Blu-Ray. The Blu-Ray edition is being released September 23rd, Tuesday, by Paramount Home Entertainment.

I had to watch Paramount Home Entertainment’s My Little Pony: World’s Biggest Tea Party Live, that comes out tomorrow, September 16th. I didn’t have to watch it because I have young girls at home, or because my girlfriend has some kind of holdover love of My Little Pony from her childhood. No, I had to watch it because I could not believe this would exist. This is one of the most inexplicable DVDs I have ever come across. It is exactly how it sounds - a My Little Pony show, about the world’s biggest tea party, and it is done - live. It’s a stage production of a bunch of people dressed up in giant stuffed My Little Pony costumes dancing around the stage singing irritating songs about friendship and dressing up and sewing and hosting a tea party. And it was filmed. And put on DVD. I thought it might appeal to really girly stoners…and maybe it would.

But as I watched, I thought - where’s Focus On The Family on this one? Where’s the righteous indignation from James Dobson and his ilk at this movie that is so obviously designed to turn children gay? The cameras constantly pan to the audience to show little kids, girls and boys, waving sparklers and singing along to songs about wearing pink clothes! The songs are all about sewing, and baking, and…pink! The whole thing is hosted by a giant purple dinosaur. (Not Barney.) Focus On The Family was able to point out the gay Teletubbie because he was purple. I think they’re going to want to see this one. In fact, at one point, the purple thing and some ladybugs are singing about getting dressed up for the tea party, and he suggests that they all get pretty new dresses. But then he catches himself, and says that perhaps only the ladies should buy dresses.

Well, Focus On The Family is a weirdo organization, and I’m not going to send them a copy of this DVD. They need no help being bonkers. And watching My Little Pony’s World’s Biggest Tea Party Live will not turn your kids gay. It may make them sing, which will be irritating, and it may make them dance, which could be cute. And it will definitely drive you, the parents, nuts. But that’s about it. It’s harmless, but annoying.

Alliance Films releases the second DVD in the Unstable Fables series today, September 9th. The first one was a charming, fresh take on the three little pigs, called Three Pigs and a Baby. This one is a charming, fresh take on the tortoise and the hare, called Tortoise vs. Hare. It’s not quite as good as the first one, mostly because it’s kinda preachy for a kids’ program. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. Dozens of kids shows are preachy and irritating. I just expected better from Jim Henson studios on this one.

You see, it has been fifteen years since the tortoise and the hare had their big race. The one where the hare, miles in the lead, figured he had time to take a nap just a few yards from the finish line. And the tortoise won. The moral of this story has always been “slow and steady wins the race”. A moral that has always bugged me. Tell that to Usain Bolt. The moral should really be “fast and NOT crushingly stupid wins the race”. Now, 15 years later, the tortoise is a rich, successful lawyer and the hare is a sketchy, daredevil used-car salesman. And they are competing for the title of Worst Father In The World, as they push their respective children into an outdoor adventure survival race in order to one-up each other.

It’s still a charming and fresh take on a familiar fairy tale, there’s just too much of that cruel-father-gets-his-comeuppance stuff for my liking. But that’s a minor complaint. Despite the cheap animation, the animals are very expressive and have great characters, and the kids love it. That’s reason enough to pick up Tortoise vs. Hare today.

In 2006, a kids’ movie called Barnyard came and went at the theatres, made a bit of money and then faded into obscurity. It was a decent kids movie, but certainly not memorable. In fact, thinking back on that movie, all I really remember is that the stars of the film were cows. And yet they were male. So…that was odd. That’s all I remember. Oh, and Sam Elliott was the voice of the old, wise cow. Who was a bull. Or something.

The show Back At The Barnyard, on Nickelodeon, is a spin-off of the moderately successful movie. On Tuesday, August 5th, the first DVD from the show comes out, courtesy of Paramount Home Entertainment. It’s called Back At The Barnyard: When No One’s Looking. And it’s eight short episodes that are actually much better than the movie! Sam Elliott doesn’t return for the TV series. In fact, the only voices that do are Wanda Sykes and Jeff Garcia. But it turns out that Barnyard works much better as a series of shorts than it did as a movie. Each of the eight 12-minute episodes on this disc is far more entertaining than the movie was. It turns out that Barnyard really only had a 12-minute shelf life.

The characters in the TV series get into short and entertaining adventures with the snotty, rotten boy who lives nearby, and the crazy old lady next door who is the only person who knows that the livestock are actually able to talk and walk around. There is a solid episode that involves a Space Chimp, just in time for the release of that movie. With the exception of one episode about an overly-loyal dog, the rest of this DVD is very good. Kids will love this, adults will be able to tolerate it.

And that makes this DVD worth picking up for all families. It’s funny, it’s charming, and it’s wonderful in small doses.

The new trend in kids’ movies is to take a concept from a classic adult film, dress it up with cutesy animated characters, and dumb it down for the kids who might buy the lunchbox. Barnyard is no exception.  I’m reviewing Barnyard here as a point of reference for a TV series that is coming out on Tuesday.

Animals can talk and walk on two legs, but of course they do so only when people aren’t looking. Otis is a cow who is left in charge of the Barnyard after his father is killed defending the other animals from coyotes. Of course, Otis just wants to party, doesn’t want to fill his father’s shoes, but comes to grips with his role by the end of the film and saves the day. Much like the thousands of kung-fu movies I’ve seen.

One problem I had with Barnyard is that they’re cows. But they’re male. They don’t have udders, so they MUST be bulls, but there are other bulls we see in passing with rings through their noses who seem to have nothing to do with the movie. Secondly, why is it up to cows (or bulls, if that’s what they really are) to defend the farm? Wouldn’t horses do a better job? I’m thinking Boxer in Animal Farm. And there ARE horses there as well. So what are they doing while the coyotes eat chickens?

Every animated movie must have several characters meant to be cute and funny, and I guess in Barnyard they’re supposed to be the mouse with the Mexican accent, the tiny baby chick who idolizes Otis, and the freaky nondescript animal who keeps bursting out of a box for some very unnecessary dancing scenes. But none of these characters is funny, they’re just cuddly and irritating.

Not that Barnyard is that bad. It has some decent moments, like a scene involving a bad apple neighbourhood kid and some cow-tipping, and a scene where the donkey keeps knocking the farmer unconscious. But overall, it’s a movie every adult has seen thirty or forty times, with not enough humour to keep the kids entertained throughout.