Cynical Cinema

After Dora The Explorer: Catch The Stars threw me for a total loop, I was a little resistant to the idea of watching her spin-off show, Go Diego Go! I am not sure whether it’s a genuine spin-off, it may well just be the same show created by the same people and animated by the same people and written by the same people. Basically, it is the exact same show. Diego is just Dora with a different haircut. It attempts to teach kids the same things that Dora does. Spanish, and…other stuff. But Dora comes off as merely a near-sighted explorer, which means that all I have to do while watching her show is point out the things she can’t see for her damn self.

With Diego, there is a lot more work involved. I have to crawl to make otters crawl. I have to jump to make them jump. I have to duck to avoid a mudball. I have to sing in Spanish to make a llama go up a hill. All of which means that Diego episodes have even less actual story than Dora, but far more participation. I’m not really helping Diego the way I help Dora, but rather I’m simply mimicking his actions. Which is way more work and far less rewarding. Adding more filler and less story to Diego is a series of supporting characters who each have their own theme songs. Like his backpack. It can rescue him from any situation, but first it sings a very long and obnoxious theme song. I guess assuming that he will not be caught by the puma in the meantime. Dora has a map that does the same thing, but at least it’s theme song is kinda catchy.

One more thing. Diego is constantly extolling the virtues of playing outside, being active, and reading books. What kind of TV marketing genius came up with that one? If kids read books and play outside, they aren’t watching TV! Your show is on TV! That’s just bad marketing. Go Diego Go: The Iguana Sing-A-Long comes out Tuesday, July 29th, from Paramount Home Entertainment.

There have been 52 half-hour episodes of Transformers Cybertron, a Japanese animated Transformers program. All 52 of those episodes are now on DVD in the Transformers Cybertron Ultimate Collection, out today, July 22nd, from Paramount Home Entertainment. It’s one of those shows that has a lot of flashy colours and tough-guy posing, all with the Transformers. Very frenetic, very confusing, and every episode is almost exactly the same. The Transformers characters in this series are different from the ones we have come to know and love - no Bumblebee! But there is of course an Optimus Prime and a Megatron, there are Autobots and Decepticons, and of course everyone ends up on Earth.

The basic idea of the series is that the population of the Transformers’ home planet, Cybertron, is threatened by a black hole and evacuated, and all the Transformers are sent to Earth. In order to save their home planet (and also, of course, the Universe), the good-guy Autobots must find the five Cyber Planet Keys, which will give them enough power to stop the marauding black hole and save all of existence. But Megatron, the evil leader of the evil Decepticons, has the map that shows where the Cyber Planet Keys are located in the universe. We can only assume that if he were to get his hands on these artifacts, he would use them to destroy the universe and everything inside it. We really don’t know though. For all we know, he would use the massive power of the Cyber Planet Keys to open a successful car parts lot, and to finagle an invitation to the Playboy Mansion. Who knows?

All in all, this show is extremely confusing. I was constantly aware that the show had been translated from the Japanese, because the translation of certain words is…strange. Something I don’t understand though are the voices. These are mechanical transforming robot aliens from across the universe. Why are some of them Irish, others are hicks, others are British…it doesn’t make sense! And one of the characters really sounds like he’s voiced by Larry the Cable Guy. The theme song is one of the worst in TV history. It’s that old Transformers song, you know - “more than meets the eye…robots in disguise”, and so forth. But it’s updated for today’s world, which means it’s been given a cheesy R&B beat and hook, and there’s rap in it. Although, the rapper actually doesn’t say anything. He just says “Transformers! Transformers! Transformers! Transformers!” You would think they could have afforded a lyricist. I’m sure you don’t need Tupac to do your song, but this thing is as painful as that moment in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II when Vanilla Ice was “freestyling” on stage and started rapping “Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go Ninja!” for eleven minutes.

In fact, the rest of the series seems to be plagued with a similar lack of writers. Every single episode, Optimus Prime says “Transformers! Transform and Roll Out!” at least four times. Also, every time the Transformers are about to do anything - like go for a picnic, order pizza or watch Three’s Company, whatever it is they do - he yells “Transformers! Sound off!” And then each of the Autobots steps forward and yells their own name. This really takes up a lot of time, and it’s just irritating. Like, why are they doing this? Is it simply because some exec behind the scenes thinks it adds a bad-ass extra bit to the scenes where the colours are flashing and the Transformers are punching the air? I don’t get it. And I don’t get this show. At all.

I am going to start this review with a bold statement.  WALL-E is the best animated movie…of all time.  Yes, it’s better than Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast and any other animated fare for kids.   Or adults, or anything.  It is 2001:  A Space Odyssey for children.  For kids, in the sense that it makes sense.  Not only that, I would go one step further and suggest that Pixar has become the greatest studio for animated film in history, outclassing Disney.  Just look at their output:  The Incredibles, Ratatouille, Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc., Toy Story, A Bug’s Life, and now WALL-E.  (They have had one movie that missed being a classic - Cars, which was just a little too formulaic to be great.)

The fact that this movie was green-lit at all is a testament to the Kubrick-esque power that Pixar commands in Hollywood.  Imagine trying to pitch this to investors:  It’s a movie for kids about a little robot who is alone on Earth, compacting garbage.  He learns Earth culture through an old VHS tape he’s found that plays Hello Dolly, the 1969 musical.  Through this video, he learns about love, dancing and companionship.  In the 97 minute movie, there is a total of about six minutes of actual dialogue.  Not only that, the entire film is a rumination on the current human condition, our tendency toward apathy, and the idea that through our own laziness we are destroying our own future world.

When the movie begins, it has been 700 years since humans abandoned the Earth, on a massive spaceship that just seems to float endlessly through space.  We meet the humans much later in the film, and when we do they are fat, useless blobs, floating around in chairs and being waited on hand and foot by robots who meet their every need.  In the meantime, we meet WALL-E, (Waste Allocation Load-Lifter - Earth class), who lives alone on the Earth cleaning up our garbage.  The waste human beings have left behind is piled sky high, and it’s WALL-E’s job to crush it into cubes and stack it up.  By now, he has managed to stack massive piles of garbage throughout a city, piles that are as tall as the skyscrapers that still exist on the skyline, and piles that are eerily similar in shape.

What WALL-E doesn’t know is that he is completely alone, abandoned by the people and the robots who run the spacecraft, and who are never planning to go back.  He is cleaning up the Earth for no real reason, except that this is what he is programmed to do.  His lone companion is a little cockroach, who has managed to survive in the filth and through the devastation, as only a cockroach could.  When another robot suddenly appears on Earth, WALL-E is overjoyed.  Even though this new robot, EVE (Extra-Terrestrial Vegetation Evaluator) can fly, and has a gun on her arm that can blow up battleships, WALL-E is so happy to have someone who might provide companionship that he overcomes his fear to make some advances toward EVE.

WALL-E’s idea of “love” having come from Hello Dolly, he just wants to hold hands with EVE, although she is rather cold to the idea - it is not in her programming to hold hands or befriend anyone.  And when WALL-E presents her with a plant, a real, green, actually growing plant from Earth, she snatches it from him and shuts down.  This is her protocol - to search the Earth for any signs of vegetation, and bring them back to the spaceship.  This leads to an amazing series of events that ends with the two robots back in the space station, trying to snap the humans out of their apathy and fighting against the autopilot - (a computer with a big red light for an eye, in a direct tribute to 2001:  A Space Odyssey). 

There are three things that make WALL-E better than any other animated film in history.  First, the animation itself is beyond superb.  The world in which WALL-E lives (the abandoned Earth) is incredibly realized, and so staggeringly realistic that within minutes you forget entirely that you’re watching an animated movie.  This is the pinnacle of Pixar’s achievement to this time, and can likely be attributed to Roger Deakins, an incredibly cinematographer who was hired on to this project as a consultant.  Secondly, the characters.  The robots here, especially WALL-E, seem more human than humans.  Their facial expressions and the noises they make are more evocative than any real “dialogue” could be.  And the fact that the kids in the theatre around me didn’t even notice that no one was talking is a testament to how effective this really is.  They were completely focussed on this movie, beginning to end.

And thirdly, this is a message movie.  A movie that teaches kids (and adults) about the dangers of apathy, the path upon which we human beings currently find ourselves, mass commericalization, and the dangers of ignoring environmental problems.  The movie never once strays off message for the sake of a cheap joke, as so many animated movies do.  It never deviates from it’s greater purpose, and the vision is so consistent throughout the film that even when it isn’t obvious, we can’t forget.

All in all, WALL-E is a breathtaking, awe-inspiring achievement that will get kids to question the world around them, and that’s a good thing.  It feels in a lot of ways like one of those Pixar short films, extended to feature length.  The two cute robots that fall in love could easily be a three-minute short.  But instead, every moment in WALL-E is as good as the best moment in a short, and that makes this the greatest animated movie of all time.  Watch it.  Now.

Kung-Fu Panda is not a kids movie so much as it is a kung-fu movie.  For kids.  Jack Black is the voice of the panda, Po, who is a clumsy fat oaf with a passion for kung-fu.  He is a huge fan of the Furious Five, who are the great kung-fu fighters of his little village.  Each one represents a different style of kung-fu, styles which will be very familiar to any fan of the kung-fu genre of movies.  The crane (David Cross), the viper (Lucy Liu), the mantis (Seth Rogen), the monkey (Jackie Chan) and the tigress (Angelina Jolie).  The film opens with a dream Po is having, a scene out of so many kung-fu movies, where the bad guys show up in the restaurant where the hero is quietly eating his food, and soon he is forced to kick all of their asses, causing massive property damage to the restaurant.

 Of course, this is just Po’s dream - in reality, he is not a martial arts hero, he is an employee in his father’s noodle shop.  When he lies to his dad and says he was dreaming about noodles, his dad flies into a frenzy - his son has had the noodle dream!  He is ready to take over the noodle shop from his father!  (Another wonderful theme from so many kung-fu flicks.)  In reality though, Po wants to be in the kung-fu scene.  And when there is going to be a big ceremony to annoint the next “chosen one”, the martial artist to whom ultimate enlightenment will be given, he does everything he can to go watch.  Through a series of mishaps (most of them hilarious), he ends up in the arena, and actually looks to be the “chosen one” himself.  Of course, the choice of Po sparks controversy.  How can he be the chosen one when he’s a big fat clumsy panda with no kung-fu skills at all?

The master, Shifu (voiced by Dustin Hoffman), is very annoyed at the selection of Po as the chosen one.  He believes that his master Oogway (a tortoise) has become senile and chosen the wrong person (or…animal) to be the chosen one.  Oogway, by the way, is hilarious.  He dispenses this bizarre, cubicle-wall type wisdom that is incredibly cheesy, even for a kung-fu movie.  (”The past is history, the future is a mystery, and right now is a gift.  That is why they call it the present.”)  But it’s delievered so solemnly that it’s awfully funny.  Anyway, Shifu decides that he will do everything he can to get Po to quit, so one of the other students can claim the title of “dragon warrior”, and get a chance to read the “dragon scroll” and become the greatest martial artist in history.  But Po won’t be so easily dissuaded.

Compounding the problem is the fact that Tai-Lung (voice of Ian McShane), a snow leopard, has escaped from the massive prison that holds him captive.  Tai-Lung is the former disciple of Master Shifu, a kung-fu student who surpassed even his master in skill, but then went bad.  He tried to take the dragon scroll for himself, but was driven away and imprisoned by Shifu and Oogway.  He is now bent on returning to the temple, taking the dragon scroll, and exacting horrible revenge on all those who turned against him.  Only Po, of course, stands in his way.

Kung-Fu Panda is terrific because everything in the movie rings true in terms of actual kung-fu cinema.  References to other movies abound.  Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Kill Bill, Hero, Once Upon A Time In China, and many others.  The one film I think is most closely mirrored is Kung-Fu Hustle, a bonkers kung-fu comedy that is available on DVD now, with very similar themes.  The bad guy gets out of prison and comes to attack the good guy, who all of a sudden learns that he is the chosen one with crazy kung-fu skills…very similar movies, both extremely good.  And in terms of old classics, Kung-Fu Panda most closely resembles the Jackie Chan comedic martial arts classic Drunken Master, with the main difference being that Master Shifu is not drunk.  But substitute the booze in that movie with the food from this one, and you have many very similar scenes.

Kung-Fu Panda is definitely funny, and definitely kid-friendly, but it’s so much more than a silly kids movie.  It’s a solid, very well done kung-fu film.  And the resolution in the final scene is absolutely perfect.  I don’t think I’m giving too much away here - it is a kids’ movie after all - but Po defeats Tai-Lung in the end with a style that has been perfectly set up over the course of the rest of the film, with Master Shifu’s teachings, Oogway’s wisdom, and Po’s own proclivities.  The only difference between Kung-Fu Panda and a real kung-fu movie in this style is the fact that Master Shifu actually lives in the end.  Hey - after all, it IS a kids’ movie.

When I was a kid, I loved Asterix and Obelix. I would go to the library and borrow every single one of those giant, hardcover, oversized comic books. In fact, most of the reason I still have the ability to speak and understand French today is thanks to Asterix et Obelix, Gaston La Gaffe, Lucky Luke, and a host of other French-language comic books aimed directly at very young children. In 1999, this comic book, beloved in France, was turned into a massive live action movie starring some of the biggest names in French films, including Gerard Depardieu as Obelix. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar comes to DVD in North America today, July 1st, from Alliance Films. It has no English subtitles, and no English dubbing, so unless you speak French, steer clear.

For those of you (and I’m sure there are a few) who are unfamiliar with the story of Asterix and Obelix, they are Gauls, who live in a little village in the heart of the Roman Empire. The Romans have managed to conquer the rest of the known world, but for some reason this little village continues to resist their rule. It’s all thanks to the “magic potion” brewed by the village’s resident druid, Panoramix. This potion gives anyone who drinks it superhuman strength, and the village has been using it to fend off the Romans for years. Asterix is the leader of the Gaul warriors, a clever and cunning fellow, and Obelix is his stupid best friend. Obelix, as a child, fell into the magic potion, and became permanently super-strong. He is the only one in the village who does not have to drink the potion to beat up Romans. And the rest of the comic book involves Romans attacking in columns and phalanxes, the Gauls punching them, words like BAFFE pop up, and the Romans land far away with their clothes off. No one ever seems to die, but there is a constant threat of being thrown to the lions. (Or, if they’re in Egypt, the crocodiles.)

Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar remains true to the comics. Very true. In fact, much too true. Everything from the comic book is thrown in to a giant pot and stirred around with a giant paddle. In fact, they kept certain objects intact from the comic books, like the giant pot and giant paddle they use for the potion. In the film, the Romans want to destroy the one little holdout village that hasn’t succumbed to Roman rule. Also, there is some plot that involves a thief who comes to the Gaul village and steals the gold the Romans have collected in taxes. But the thief goes away quickly, the gold goes away quickly, and nothing really comes of that. Also odd is the sub-plot that involves Laetitia Casta, a French supermodel making her film debut here, as the gorgeous woman who shows up just so Obelix can fall in love with her. She’s no actress, but she sure is hot enough to moon over.

And that’s the biggest problem with this film. Obelix has a crush on the girl, so he moons over her - just like in the comic book. Obelix eats a lot - just like in the comic book. In fact, come to think of it, Obelix (Depardieu) is basically Marmaduke. He’s either eating a lot, or he’s trying to be like people. He keeps trying to drink the magic potion, even though he doesn’t need it - just like in the comic book. The Romans crush Asterix and Obelix with giant rocks, and the rocks just push them down into a hole in the earth. Just like the comic book. The Romans attack in wave after wave, just to be punched out of their clothes. Just like in the comic book.

All of this made for some very entertaining comics, but not so much entertaining film. A lot of the humour here is visual, and the director has done a pretty good job in recreating the exact visual effects from the comics themselves. But that’s the stuff that just doesn’t work after a while. Now, I watched with my two step-kids, and they really liked the visual humour. But they don’t speak much French at all, so they missed the jokes that are actually funny. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar contains quite a bit of Monty Python type humour. There are also dozens of references to classic films, most notably Star Wars. Roberto Benigni shows up to do a memorable turn as the villain Detritus, and with his poor French accent, he really stands out. If you understand French.

And that’s the best thing about these movies for our kids. (Another one, Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre, comes out the same day, July 1st.) Not only is the French very simple, and easy to understand, the films are also so wild and cartoonish that you really don’t need the dialogue to explain everything. The kids enjoyed both, even though their command of the language is suspect at best. The film is not great. It’s only sort-of good. But it’s simple, the kids will like it, it will help them with their French, and Laetitia Casta is hot and there are lots of big jugs. So it’s worth your while in some way.

These Asterix et Obelix movies are impressive films. A massive cast, some of the most well-known actors in the world, and a seemingly limitless budget for what are, in many ways, modest movies. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre is no exception. In fact, this movie is the most expensive movie ever made in France. Gerard Depardieu and Christian Clavier return as the titular heroes, and Monica Bellucci shows up as the titular heroine. I think I can safely make this proclamation right now. Never, in the history of children’s movies, has there been a sexier, hotter, more ridiculously smoldering character. France is a little different than North America, you see. In North America, you can show explosions and violence and fighting and killing in kids’ movies, but kissing? That’s kind of a stretch…

In France, however, they make movies like this one. Monica Bellucci, possibly the most magnificent, gorgeous specimen on movie screens the world over, is Cleopatra. She wears different, opulent, clothes in every scene. Sometimes those clothes are see-through. Other times, they manage to reveal everything but nipple. And still other times, there are gratuitous (but welcome) shots of the top of her ass crack. How often do you get to see something so glorious in a kids’ movie? In my memory, never. In fact, not only is Monica Bellucci the hottest women ever to appear in a kids’ movie, she is also the hottest Cleopatra of all time. Elizabeth Taylor was awfully close in 1963, but in 1963 she wasn’t wearing anything like this.

Once again, with this film, there are no English subtitles or English dubbing, which means that unless you speak French there will be a significant language barrier. However, the actions and plot are so cartoonish that you may be able to figure it out anyway. Jamel Debbouze plays Numerobis, an Egyptian architect, who has been commissioned by Cleopatra to build a palace in Egypt for Julius Caesar. This is all the result of some silly bet between Caesar and Cleopatra, which makes virtually no sense at all, but at least it sets up the plot. Numerobis has three months in which to build this gigantic palace, and of course can’t possibly finish it in that time. So he visits Asterix and Obelix in Gaul to persuade them to help him finish on time, with their magical potion. Soon, all the workers in Egypt are sipping the magic potion and gaining superhuman strength, and the palace is going up quickly. (This involves some Monty Python-esque dialogue between the labourers, who explain that they are not slaves, and then go on strike to reduce their days to 18 hours and to get fewer whippings.)

But, of course, there has to be a villain in the movie. In this case, it is the “official” Egyptian architect, Amonbofis, played by Gerard Darmon. We suppose that his main reason for attempting to sabotage the construction of this palace is that his feelings have been hurt, in that he was not the architect chosen to build the place. Other than that, there seems to be no reason for him to be angry. He conspires with Caesar, who wants to destroy the palace that is being built FOR him, so he can win a bet…all of this is tied together with loose connections and plot holes and leaps in logic that are so comic booky in nature that keeping it all straight would require a PhD in idiocy.

And once again, the biggest failing in the film is the adherence to the comic books themselves. The boars they eat are gigantic. They bring Cleopatra a cake that is as big as a person. No one questions these things, because it’s a comic book. But they just don’t work on the big screen. You wonder why, when the fighting between the Gauls and the Roman army is going to be so cartoonish, would they bother amassing such a gigantic number of actors to play soldiers. And then, the whole movie closes with a song by Snoop Dogg. Bizarre. However, at the end, one question was answered for me. I wondered why, in the first movie, Caesar was played by Gottfried John, and in this film he’s played by the director, Alain Chabat. Well, he gets to seriously make out with Monica Bellucci. I think I may have cast myself as Caesar were I the director in this case as well. It turns out that this is the plum role in the film.

Once again, just like Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar, this is a film that is great for kids in the sense that it will help them with their French and they will want to watch it even though they don’t understand every word. And you will want to watch it for Monica Bellucci. Which makes it very worthwhile, while still being not very good. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre comes out along with Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar today, July 1st, from Alliance Films.

Unstable Fables is a series of computer-animated movies produced by The Jim Henson Company. The first in the series, Three Pigs And A Baby, comes to DVD tomorrow, June 24th, from Alliance Films. The obvious intent here is to make a film that both kids and adults will like, without spending too much money. And for the most part they succeed. For the kids, cute pigs, physical humour and falling down, and schoolyard-bully politics. For the adults, references to movies only they would have seen. Obviously Three Men And A Baby, but also Rebel Without A Cause, Dr. Strangelove, and other movies of their classic ilk. It’s the references to Dr. Strangelove, however, which are the best. To explain:

First of all, the plot revolves around the wolves, as they always do, trying to get to the three little pigs in order to eat them. The wolves come up with a devious plan to devour the pigs. A plan that will take several years, but apparently will be worth it. This plan is devised at the behest of the top wolf scientist, a cartoon character who is extremely reminiscent of Peter Sellars as Dr. Strangelove. This scientist is always suggesting the use of his patented “doomsday device”, which we don’t see until the end of the film. (And when we do see it, it’s worth it.) The wolves’ plan, as it is, is to infiltrate the pigs’ house with a spy - a cute little baby wolf. The idea is to leave it in a basket on the pigs’ doorstep, and to have them take it in and raise it as their own. Then, when that wolf is sixteen years old, they can convince him to steal the keys and open the door.

The fact that this plan is sixteen years in the making is part of the charming nonsense in this film. The fact that it is clearly taking more than sixteen years for the cow contractors to rebuild the houses of the two other pigs (having had them blown over by the wolves) is also delightfully nonsensical. So that means that all three pigs are together under one roof, raising one wolf baby. And that is the cruz of the film. The pigs at school make fun of the young wolf, because he looks nothing like a pig. And he comes home to his pig fathers, and as he grows into a teenager he becomes more and more resentful. (Leading to the “you’re tearing me apart!” Rebel Without a Cause reference.)

Then, as the wolves lead him astray, and he begins to ride a motorcycle and stay out late and hang with the wrong crowd, the plan comes together for the wolves, and it’s time to take the pigs “out for dinner, if you know what I mean”. The wolves are pretty cheap gangster imitations here. And the young wolf with the pig fathers is forced to make a difficult decision, one which could impact the future of…whatever. It’s a cartoon. But it’s a pretty good one.

The first actor we see in The Spiderwick Chronicles (out June 17th from Paramount Home Entertainment) is David Stratharin. He is writing a book about creatures in our midst, beings that exist among us always, that we can’t see because they choose to remain hidden. Through his book, we catch glimpses of drawings of these creatures, but we don’t see enough of them to know what’s coming. Strathairn, you see, is Arthur Spiderwick, the man who discovered this realm existing in tandem with our own. And he recorded all the secrets of this realm in a giant book, the Spiderwick Chronicles. We learn fairly fast that this book was never meant to be read by anyone, ever, because reading it could bring about the end of the world as we know it. Of course, someone is clearly going to come by and read it anyway.

That someone is Freddie Highmore (Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), who actually appears as twins in the film. The two have very distinct personalities, and Highmore does an excellent job making sure that we always know which twin is which. Simon is a bookish, nerdy pacifist. His twin brother Jared, however, is the trouble-maker. The bad apple. The one kid the family doesn’t understand. Right away, we know Jared will be the star of the movie, because it’s always that kid who ends up being the star. The bookish intellectual is nowhere near as interesting as the angry rebel, we suppose. Jared’s anger seems to stem from several sources, like an absentee father, a sudden move to a new town and a new house. It must be summer, because the kids don’t have a new school or anything, and are allowed to roam about the giant house alone while their mom’s off at work.

Pretty soon, of course, Jared finds this book. And he opens it and reads it and unwittingly brings forces of evil down on his house and his family. His older sister is a fencer, which comes in handy when she has to slash up some goblins. His mother is never home during the film, so she is going to be in for a big surprise when she gets there. Simon rarely leaves the house, and when he discovers this world of goblins and evil-doers that exists right outside the door, he sets his brain to work devising defenses against the bad creatures. And Jared hits things, yells at his mom, hates the world and fights with his siblings, even in the middle of the most dire circumstances. Which becomes kind of annoying. Jared, through a lot of this movie, despite being the hero, is not very likeable. Highmore does a terrific job with the character, but he’s written in such a cliche’d “where’s may father? I HATE you” sort of way that it’s a little distracting.

Also irritating is the fact that the creatures have names we have already heard. We already know about goblins. We’ve heard of elves and griffins. We may well be familiar with those things. So why include things like that, and then make up three or four creatures of your own? I think the answer to that may well lie within the books. My youngest step-son tells me that the books are FAR different. I think what he means (if I understand correctly) is that the movie leaves out a lot of what is in the books in terms of detail. But then, what kids’ movie doesn’t? Eragon, Chronicles of Narnia, even How To Eat Fried Worms. They are all forced to skip large chunks of the story because of time constraints, and the challenge is keeping the story intact and understandable while trimming it to that hour-and-a-half running time.

And for the most part, the director, Mark Waters, does a good job of this. Not only does he get a high-calibre performance out of Freddie Highmore, he manages to craft a terrific alternate universe with charming and interesting characters, and he keeps the pace moving along briskly. The only time the movie slows down is when Jared has one of his distracting temper outbursts. It’s nice to see David Strathairn in a kids movie like this, his presence adds a certain amount of credibility to the whole proceeding. Also cool is the presence of Martin Short and Seth Rogen as the voices of two of the friendly creatures, and the very brief but very bizarre cameo from Nick Nolte. The Spiderwick Chronicles is one of the better movies aimed at kids around ten years old. It’s no classic, but it’s above-average. And when it comes to kids’ movies these days, that is certainly good enough.

My step-kids wanted to watch The Game Plan, available now on Rogers On Demand.  And much as the idea didn’t appeal to me, I felt as though I should capitulate, because after all, they were excited about the football covered in glitter.  (Or, as it turns out, “bedazzled”.)  So I paid the $5.99, and tried to find six dollars worth of enjoyment from the film.  And sadly, I cam up about five bucks short.  There are very few films, for kids or otherwise, that are more formulaic than the Game Plan.  The Rock, you see, is a pro football player with a massive contract, a massive condominium, a massive following and a massive ego.  All of a sudden, a small girl shows up at his house claiming to be his daughter.  He doesn’t question the claim, since it seems fairly likely to him that this girl’s mother (who is apparently some kind of philanthropist saint) would just leave her, unattended, on the doorstep of the father who never knew she existed. 

This would not, to most of us, make sense even if the mother was a crack-addled junkie prostitute (which she isn’t - this is a Disney movie).  You see, if a mother is so messed up that she would be willing to leave a girl in a situation like this, she would not have the werewithal to get the girl to the apartment.  And if she was indeed the wonderful person that The Rock and the little girl agree she is, she would never do something this insane.  One would think she would at least call first.  Or something.  But The Rock’s willingness to leave the whole situation unquestioned, his publicist’s failure to think anything through, and the stupidity of those around him, mean that these questions go unasked and unanswered.  Which is essential to the movie, or the big revelation at the end would come in the first two minutes.  And frankly, it should.  There is no reason we couldn’t have found out the real reason this little girl is there right away.  The same thing would have happened.

This egomaniac quarterback never throws to open teammates if he can run twenty yards to paydirt instead.  He considers himself above the team and above the sport.  He is a glory hound to the detriment of those around him, especially his team.  But his team doesn’t question that.  At all.  They still love him, because he’s the party-guy playboy with the sweet apartment where they all party.  No bad blood from the receivers who don’t get their due, no bitterness from the temmates who are unjustly overshadowed.  It’s a life of blissful ignorance and ease.  Until the little girl shows up, and teaches him what he can really be, and what’s important in life, and blah blah blah.  Sure, she’s cute and sweet and childish and so forth, but she’s also smarter than he is, more perceptive, better grounded…she’s six.  And the only reason she is six is that this way Disney can set up all the standard pratfalls for a movie like this one.  He gets covered in foam.  She puts a skirt on the bulldog.  The blender makes a mess in the kitchen.  She bedazzles his prize football.  And he falls down a lot.  Haha.

The one thing that bugged me the most about the movie, however, was the fact that they didn’t seem to have the rights to anything.  The Rock plays “Professional Football” for a team based in Boston called the “Rebels”.  His team is competing for the “Championship trophy”.  Why wouldn’t you be able to say Super Bowl?  Or New England Patriots, or the NFL?  There are dozens of other movies that use those words.  Even Disney has already used “NFL” in a movie, a movie about a real-life guy on a real-life team, called Invincible.  Mark Wahlberg played Vince Papale, a walk-on from Philadelphia who made the Eagles in the 70s.  So we know they would be allowed to use these things if they wanted, or if they were willing to pay enough money.  So why not?  It’s really irritating hearing all these generic words like “Football Championship Trophy”, a trophy which, when you see it, bears a striking resemblance to the Super Bowl trophy.  Or, the Vince Lombardi trophy, if you will.

There are a lot of cameos from real football players and analysts.  Boomer Esiason, Marv Albert, Jim Gray, Stuart Scott, and Steven Levy all show up.  But they can’t say NFL?  And then he starts endorsing something called “Fanny’s Burgers”.  What, they couldn’t get McDonalds or Burger King to pay massive dollars for a product placement?  Or was it because the kid keeps saying that they make you fat and give you gas?  So he ends up doing endorsements for a burger chain that sounds as appealing as Krusty Burger.  And of course, the whole movie has to be peppered with the most brutal football talk in movie history.  Everything that comes out of the Rock’s mouth is a football reference, from the playbook to the post pattern to the buttonhook to, of course, the Game Plan.  It’s so forced and contrived that it almost makes me cringe even thinking about it now.  This is some of the worst dialogue in Disney history.

There is one reason to watch The Game Plan.  Roselyn Sanchez is smoking hot as the little girl’s ballet instructor Monique.  But her involvement in the movie is also a painful cliche, so it almost cancels out the hotness.  Almost.  Sanchez being as hot and flexible as she is is worth one dollar.  That leaves five dollars worth of movie rental that I am wanting back.  At least the kids liked it.  But then, they are unfamiliar with terms like “NFL”, “Burger King”, “flea flicker”, and “giant pile of crap”.

Alright Focus on the Family and like-minded Christians, I’m calling you out. You’re getting lazy. You spend so much time fighting against ambiguously gay television characters like Spongebob and Tinky-Winky, that you don’t have time for your own children. And why do you need to complain about these TV characters and movies like The Golden Compass? Because the only thing left to raise your children, what with all that time spent complaining, is the television. And you want to make sure that while being raised by that TV, your young impressionable boys don’t happen across the Teletubbies and all of a sudden start liking showtunes, lusting after Skeet Ulrich, and planning for a career as an interior decorator, or Kevin Fededline’s backup dancer. I know, I know, you COULD just spend time with them, making sure they watched only Christian-approved programming and maybe reading with them, but that seems like a lot of effort, doesn’t it? Better to write angry letters and volunteer at the latest Fred Phelps or anti-abortion rally, leaving your children in the care of (you hope) the VeggieTales.

So then what happens? Your kids are now addicted to cartoons and television. The only way to get through to them now is through other cartoons or possibly video games. And you want the to learn the bible, but they’re not going to be reading on their own or anything. So now, what, NOW what? Well, you hope that biblical stories get made into cartoons, so your kids can watch these cartoons and grow up to be just like you, and join you at the next Pat Robertson seminar. And lo and behold, here comes The Ten Commandments, the story of Moses, in cartoon form! And sure, you could always wait until Easter for the Charlton Heston movie to come on public access television, but then you would have to strap your children down with bungee cords and tape their eyelids open, because there’s no way they’re sitting through that one on their own.

Well, thank God for Christian Slater, Elliott Gould, Alfred Molina and Ben Kingsley, who have all provided their vocal talents to The Ten Commandments, (cartoon version), which came out May 13th courtesy of Alliance Films. This is one of those computer-generated “animated” movies where people kind of look like people, and kind of move like people, but they are mostly bald because animating hair would be that much more difficult. Again - lazy! Just because Yul Brynner was bald in 1956 doesn’t mean all ancient Egyptians were hairless, OK? Lazy, lazy, lazy. With The Ten Commandments, the story is already there. All you have to do is tell it in a cool, new way. But this movie hasn’t even done that. It’s just a cartoon remake, almost scene-for-scene, of Cecil B. DeMille’s 1956 epic! Down to the scene with the staffs and the snakes, and the slave labourers doing their thing, and the parting of the red sea while Moses stands facing it. That one is pretty much shot-for shot the same.

Which means that what we’re doing, in watching this film, is comparing it with Charlton Heston. And it comes up pretty darn short. Cheap, easy animation vs. a cast of thousands, with massive cinematography and epic storytelling? No contest. And Heston vs. Christian Slater? Come ON. Heston had the Moses voice. The deep, booming Moses voice. Christian Slater does not have that voice. In fact, he has a pretty sissy, weenie voice. Can you imagine, in a live action movie, Woody Allen playing Moses? That’s how this movie feels.

“Let my people go!”

“Umm…no.”

“OK, I’ll take my staff and I’ll leave.”

“Yeah, you’d best be going.”

And then there’s Alfred Molina, as Ramses, who calls for Moses like he’s William Shatner in The Wrath Of Khan. “Moooooosseeees!” “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaan!” And Elliott Gould as God may as well be…well…Woody Allen also.

So what it comes down to for me is this - why? Why make this movie at all? I wracked my brain long and hard before coming up with the laziness explanation. And I am fully aware, so don’t bother pointing it out, that the story of Moses and the Ten Commandments is more of a Jewish story than a Christian one. But I don’t see Jewish lobby groups complaining about Patrick Starfish. When I do, I will make fun of them as well. And this might not be the right forum for this, but…isn’t what Moses (and of course God) did to the Egyptian people…terrorism? The plagues - you can’t drink the water, it’s unsafe. The locusts have eaten your crops, so you can’t eat. Your civilians will die if you don’t…let God’s people go. We will kill all of the first born sons of Egypt. Yes. We will murder your innocent citizens if you don’t give us our independence. Umm…sound familiar? Perhaps in Palestine, the people might…OK. I was right, this is not the right forum for this. The Ten Commandments, stupid cartoon version, comes out tomorrow, May 13th, from Alliance Films.