Cynical Cinema

Kung-Fu Panda is not a kids movie so much as it is a kung-fu movie.  For kids.  Jack Black is the voice of the panda, Po, who is a clumsy fat oaf with a passion for kung-fu.  He is a huge fan of the Furious Five, who are the great kung-fu fighters of his little village.  Each one represents a different style of kung-fu, styles which will be very familiar to any fan of the kung-fu genre of movies.  The crane (David Cross), the viper (Lucy Liu), the mantis (Seth Rogen), the monkey (Jackie Chan) and the tigress (Angelina Jolie).  The film opens with a dream Po is having, a scene out of so many kung-fu movies, where the bad guys show up in the restaurant where the hero is quietly eating his food, and soon he is forced to kick all of their asses, causing massive property damage to the restaurant.

 Of course, this is just Po’s dream - in reality, he is not a martial arts hero, he is an employee in his father’s noodle shop.  When he lies to his dad and says he was dreaming about noodles, his dad flies into a frenzy - his son has had the noodle dream!  He is ready to take over the noodle shop from his father!  (Another wonderful theme from so many kung-fu flicks.)  In reality though, Po wants to be in the kung-fu scene.  And when there is going to be a big ceremony to annoint the next “chosen one”, the martial artist to whom ultimate enlightenment will be given, he does everything he can to go watch.  Through a series of mishaps (most of them hilarious), he ends up in the arena, and actually looks to be the “chosen one” himself.  Of course, the choice of Po sparks controversy.  How can he be the chosen one when he’s a big fat clumsy panda with no kung-fu skills at all?

The master, Shifu (voiced by Dustin Hoffman), is very annoyed at the selection of Po as the chosen one.  He believes that his master Oogway (a tortoise) has become senile and chosen the wrong person (or…animal) to be the chosen one.  Oogway, by the way, is hilarious.  He dispenses this bizarre, cubicle-wall type wisdom that is incredibly cheesy, even for a kung-fu movie.  (”The past is history, the future is a mystery, and right now is a gift.  That is why they call it the present.”)  But it’s delievered so solemnly that it’s awfully funny.  Anyway, Shifu decides that he will do everything he can to get Po to quit, so one of the other students can claim the title of “dragon warrior”, and get a chance to read the “dragon scroll” and become the greatest martial artist in history.  But Po won’t be so easily dissuaded.

Compounding the problem is the fact that Tai-Lung (voice of Ian McShane), a snow leopard, has escaped from the massive prison that holds him captive.  Tai-Lung is the former disciple of Master Shifu, a kung-fu student who surpassed even his master in skill, but then went bad.  He tried to take the dragon scroll for himself, but was driven away and imprisoned by Shifu and Oogway.  He is now bent on returning to the temple, taking the dragon scroll, and exacting horrible revenge on all those who turned against him.  Only Po, of course, stands in his way.

Kung-Fu Panda is terrific because everything in the movie rings true in terms of actual kung-fu cinema.  References to other movies abound.  Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Kill Bill, Hero, Once Upon A Time In China, and many others.  The one film I think is most closely mirrored is Kung-Fu Hustle, a bonkers kung-fu comedy that is available on DVD now, with very similar themes.  The bad guy gets out of prison and comes to attack the good guy, who all of a sudden learns that he is the chosen one with crazy kung-fu skills…very similar movies, both extremely good.  And in terms of old classics, Kung-Fu Panda most closely resembles the Jackie Chan comedic martial arts classic Drunken Master, with the main difference being that Master Shifu is not drunk.  But substitute the booze in that movie with the food from this one, and you have many very similar scenes.

Kung-Fu Panda is definitely funny, and definitely kid-friendly, but it’s so much more than a silly kids movie.  It’s a solid, very well done kung-fu film.  And the resolution in the final scene is absolutely perfect.  I don’t think I’m giving too much away here - it is a kids’ movie after all - but Po defeats Tai-Lung in the end with a style that has been perfectly set up over the course of the rest of the film, with Master Shifu’s teachings, Oogway’s wisdom, and Po’s own proclivities.  The only difference between Kung-Fu Panda and a real kung-fu movie in this style is the fact that Master Shifu actually lives in the end.  Hey - after all, it IS a kids’ movie.

When I was a kid, I loved Asterix and Obelix. I would go to the library and borrow every single one of those giant, hardcover, oversized comic books. In fact, most of the reason I still have the ability to speak and understand French today is thanks to Asterix et Obelix, Gaston La Gaffe, Lucky Luke, and a host of other French-language comic books aimed directly at very young children. In 1999, this comic book, beloved in France, was turned into a massive live action movie starring some of the biggest names in French films, including Gerard Depardieu as Obelix. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar comes to DVD in North America today, July 1st, from Alliance Films. It has no English subtitles, and no English dubbing, so unless you speak French, steer clear.

For those of you (and I’m sure there are a few) who are unfamiliar with the story of Asterix and Obelix, they are Gauls, who live in a little village in the heart of the Roman Empire. The Romans have managed to conquer the rest of the known world, but for some reason this little village continues to resist their rule. It’s all thanks to the “magic potion” brewed by the village’s resident druid, Panoramix. This potion gives anyone who drinks it superhuman strength, and the village has been using it to fend off the Romans for years. Asterix is the leader of the Gaul warriors, a clever and cunning fellow, and Obelix is his stupid best friend. Obelix, as a child, fell into the magic potion, and became permanently super-strong. He is the only one in the village who does not have to drink the potion to beat up Romans. And the rest of the comic book involves Romans attacking in columns and phalanxes, the Gauls punching them, words like BAFFE pop up, and the Romans land far away with their clothes off. No one ever seems to die, but there is a constant threat of being thrown to the lions. (Or, if they’re in Egypt, the crocodiles.)

Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar remains true to the comics. Very true. In fact, much too true. Everything from the comic book is thrown in to a giant pot and stirred around with a giant paddle. In fact, they kept certain objects intact from the comic books, like the giant pot and giant paddle they use for the potion. In the film, the Romans want to destroy the one little holdout village that hasn’t succumbed to Roman rule. Also, there is some plot that involves a thief who comes to the Gaul village and steals the gold the Romans have collected in taxes. But the thief goes away quickly, the gold goes away quickly, and nothing really comes of that. Also odd is the sub-plot that involves Laetitia Casta, a French supermodel making her film debut here, as the gorgeous woman who shows up just so Obelix can fall in love with her. She’s no actress, but she sure is hot enough to moon over.

And that’s the biggest problem with this film. Obelix has a crush on the girl, so he moons over her - just like in the comic book. Obelix eats a lot - just like in the comic book. In fact, come to think of it, Obelix (Depardieu) is basically Marmaduke. He’s either eating a lot, or he’s trying to be like people. He keeps trying to drink the magic potion, even though he doesn’t need it - just like in the comic book. The Romans crush Asterix and Obelix with giant rocks, and the rocks just push them down into a hole in the earth. Just like the comic book. The Romans attack in wave after wave, just to be punched out of their clothes. Just like in the comic book.

All of this made for some very entertaining comics, but not so much entertaining film. A lot of the humour here is visual, and the director has done a pretty good job in recreating the exact visual effects from the comics themselves. But that’s the stuff that just doesn’t work after a while. Now, I watched with my two step-kids, and they really liked the visual humour. But they don’t speak much French at all, so they missed the jokes that are actually funny. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar contains quite a bit of Monty Python type humour. There are also dozens of references to classic films, most notably Star Wars. Roberto Benigni shows up to do a memorable turn as the villain Detritus, and with his poor French accent, he really stands out. If you understand French.

And that’s the best thing about these movies for our kids. (Another one, Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre, comes out the same day, July 1st.) Not only is the French very simple, and easy to understand, the films are also so wild and cartoonish that you really don’t need the dialogue to explain everything. The kids enjoyed both, even though their command of the language is suspect at best. The film is not great. It’s only sort-of good. But it’s simple, the kids will like it, it will help them with their French, and Laetitia Casta is hot and there are lots of big jugs. So it’s worth your while in some way.

These Asterix et Obelix movies are impressive films. A massive cast, some of the most well-known actors in the world, and a seemingly limitless budget for what are, in many ways, modest movies. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre is no exception. In fact, this movie is the most expensive movie ever made in France. Gerard Depardieu and Christian Clavier return as the titular heroes, and Monica Bellucci shows up as the titular heroine. I think I can safely make this proclamation right now. Never, in the history of children’s movies, has there been a sexier, hotter, more ridiculously smoldering character. France is a little different than North America, you see. In North America, you can show explosions and violence and fighting and killing in kids’ movies, but kissing? That’s kind of a stretch…

In France, however, they make movies like this one. Monica Bellucci, possibly the most magnificent, gorgeous specimen on movie screens the world over, is Cleopatra. She wears different, opulent, clothes in every scene. Sometimes those clothes are see-through. Other times, they manage to reveal everything but nipple. And still other times, there are gratuitous (but welcome) shots of the top of her ass crack. How often do you get to see something so glorious in a kids’ movie? In my memory, never. In fact, not only is Monica Bellucci the hottest women ever to appear in a kids’ movie, she is also the hottest Cleopatra of all time. Elizabeth Taylor was awfully close in 1963, but in 1963 she wasn’t wearing anything like this.

Once again, with this film, there are no English subtitles or English dubbing, which means that unless you speak French there will be a significant language barrier. However, the actions and plot are so cartoonish that you may be able to figure it out anyway. Jamel Debbouze plays Numerobis, an Egyptian architect, who has been commissioned by Cleopatra to build a palace in Egypt for Julius Caesar. This is all the result of some silly bet between Caesar and Cleopatra, which makes virtually no sense at all, but at least it sets up the plot. Numerobis has three months in which to build this gigantic palace, and of course can’t possibly finish it in that time. So he visits Asterix and Obelix in Gaul to persuade them to help him finish on time, with their magical potion. Soon, all the workers in Egypt are sipping the magic potion and gaining superhuman strength, and the palace is going up quickly. (This involves some Monty Python-esque dialogue between the labourers, who explain that they are not slaves, and then go on strike to reduce their days to 18 hours and to get fewer whippings.)

But, of course, there has to be a villain in the movie. In this case, it is the “official” Egyptian architect, Amonbofis, played by Gerard Darmon. We suppose that his main reason for attempting to sabotage the construction of this palace is that his feelings have been hurt, in that he was not the architect chosen to build the place. Other than that, there seems to be no reason for him to be angry. He conspires with Caesar, who wants to destroy the palace that is being built FOR him, so he can win a bet…all of this is tied together with loose connections and plot holes and leaps in logic that are so comic booky in nature that keeping it all straight would require a PhD in idiocy.

And once again, the biggest failing in the film is the adherence to the comic books themselves. The boars they eat are gigantic. They bring Cleopatra a cake that is as big as a person. No one questions these things, because it’s a comic book. But they just don’t work on the big screen. You wonder why, when the fighting between the Gauls and the Roman army is going to be so cartoonish, would they bother amassing such a gigantic number of actors to play soldiers. And then, the whole movie closes with a song by Snoop Dogg. Bizarre. However, at the end, one question was answered for me. I wondered why, in the first movie, Caesar was played by Gottfried John, and in this film he’s played by the director, Alain Chabat. Well, he gets to seriously make out with Monica Bellucci. I think I may have cast myself as Caesar were I the director in this case as well. It turns out that this is the plum role in the film.

Once again, just like Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar, this is a film that is great for kids in the sense that it will help them with their French and they will want to watch it even though they don’t understand every word. And you will want to watch it for Monica Bellucci. Which makes it very worthwhile, while still being not very good. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre comes out along with Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar today, July 1st, from Alliance Films.

Unstable Fables is a series of computer-animated movies produced by The Jim Henson Company. The first in the series, Three Pigs And A Baby, comes to DVD tomorrow, June 24th, from Alliance Films. The obvious intent here is to make a film that both kids and adults will like, without spending too much money. And for the most part they succeed. For the kids, cute pigs, physical humour and falling down, and schoolyard-bully politics. For the adults, references to movies only they would have seen. Obviously Three Men And A Baby, but also Rebel Without A Cause, Dr. Strangelove, and other movies of their classic ilk. It’s the references to Dr. Strangelove, however, which are the best. To explain:

First of all, the plot revolves around the wolves, as they always do, trying to get to the three little pigs in order to eat them. The wolves come up with a devious plan to devour the pigs. A plan that will take several years, but apparently will be worth it. This plan is devised at the behest of the top wolf scientist, a cartoon character who is extremely reminiscent of Peter Sellars as Dr. Strangelove. This scientist is always suggesting the use of his patented “doomsday device”, which we don’t see until the end of the film. (And when we do see it, it’s worth it.) The wolves’ plan, as it is, is to infiltrate the pigs’ house with a spy - a cute little baby wolf. The idea is to leave it in a basket on the pigs’ doorstep, and to have them take it in and raise it as their own. Then, when that wolf is sixteen years old, they can convince him to steal the keys and open the door.

The fact that this plan is sixteen years in the making is part of the charming nonsense in this film. The fact that it is clearly taking more than sixteen years for the cow contractors to rebuild the houses of the two other pigs (having had them blown over by the wolves) is also delightfully nonsensical. So that means that all three pigs are together under one roof, raising one wolf baby. And that is the cruz of the film. The pigs at school make fun of the young wolf, because he looks nothing like a pig. And he comes home to his pig fathers, and as he grows into a teenager he becomes more and more resentful. (Leading to the “you’re tearing me apart!” Rebel Without a Cause reference.)

Then, as the wolves lead him astray, and he begins to ride a motorcycle and stay out late and hang with the wrong crowd, the plan comes together for the wolves, and it’s time to take the pigs “out for dinner, if you know what I mean”. The wolves are pretty cheap gangster imitations here. And the young wolf with the pig fathers is forced to make a difficult decision, one which could impact the future of…whatever. It’s a cartoon. But it’s a pretty good one.

The first actor we see in The Spiderwick Chronicles (out June 17th from Paramount Home Entertainment) is David Stratharin. He is writing a book about creatures in our midst, beings that exist among us always, that we can’t see because they choose to remain hidden. Through his book, we catch glimpses of drawings of these creatures, but we don’t see enough of them to know what’s coming. Strathairn, you see, is Arthur Spiderwick, the man who discovered this realm existing in tandem with our own. And he recorded all the secrets of this realm in a giant book, the Spiderwick Chronicles. We learn fairly fast that this book was never meant to be read by anyone, ever, because reading it could bring about the end of the world as we know it. Of course, someone is clearly going to come by and read it anyway.

That someone is Freddie Highmore (Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), who actually appears as twins in the film. The two have very distinct personalities, and Highmore does an excellent job making sure that we always know which twin is which. Simon is a bookish, nerdy pacifist. His twin brother Jared, however, is the trouble-maker. The bad apple. The one kid the family doesn’t understand. Right away, we know Jared will be the star of the movie, because it’s always that kid who ends up being the star. The bookish intellectual is nowhere near as interesting as the angry rebel, we suppose. Jared’s anger seems to stem from several sources, like an absentee father, a sudden move to a new town and a new house. It must be summer, because the kids don’t have a new school or anything, and are allowed to roam about the giant house alone while their mom’s off at work.

Pretty soon, of course, Jared finds this book. And he opens it and reads it and unwittingly brings forces of evil down on his house and his family. His older sister is a fencer, which comes in handy when she has to slash up some goblins. His mother is never home during the film, so she is going to be in for a big surprise when she gets there. Simon rarely leaves the house, and when he discovers this world of goblins and evil-doers that exists right outside the door, he sets his brain to work devising defenses against the bad creatures. And Jared hits things, yells at his mom, hates the world and fights with his siblings, even in the middle of the most dire circumstances. Which becomes kind of annoying. Jared, through a lot of this movie, despite being the hero, is not very likeable. Highmore does a terrific job with the character, but he’s written in such a cliche’d “where’s may father? I HATE you” sort of way that it’s a little distracting.

Also irritating is the fact that the creatures have names we have already heard. We already know about goblins. We’ve heard of elves and griffins. We may well be familiar with those things. So why include things like that, and then make up three or four creatures of your own? I think the answer to that may well lie within the books. My youngest step-son tells me that the books are FAR different. I think what he means (if I understand correctly) is that the movie leaves out a lot of what is in the books in terms of detail. But then, what kids’ movie doesn’t? Eragon, Chronicles of Narnia, even How To Eat Fried Worms. They are all forced to skip large chunks of the story because of time constraints, and the challenge is keeping the story intact and understandable while trimming it to that hour-and-a-half running time.

And for the most part, the director, Mark Waters, does a good job of this. Not only does he get a high-calibre performance out of Freddie Highmore, he manages to craft a terrific alternate universe with charming and interesting characters, and he keeps the pace moving along briskly. The only time the movie slows down is when Jared has one of his distracting temper outbursts. It’s nice to see David Strathairn in a kids movie like this, his presence adds a certain amount of credibility to the whole proceeding. Also cool is the presence of Martin Short and Seth Rogen as the voices of two of the friendly creatures, and the very brief but very bizarre cameo from Nick Nolte. The Spiderwick Chronicles is one of the better movies aimed at kids around ten years old. It’s no classic, but it’s above-average. And when it comes to kids’ movies these days, that is certainly good enough.

My step-kids wanted to watch The Game Plan, available now on Rogers On Demand.  And much as the idea didn’t appeal to me, I felt as though I should capitulate, because after all, they were excited about the football covered in glitter.  (Or, as it turns out, “bedazzled”.)  So I paid the $5.99, and tried to find six dollars worth of enjoyment from the film.  And sadly, I cam up about five bucks short.  There are very few films, for kids or otherwise, that are more formulaic than the Game Plan.  The Rock, you see, is a pro football player with a massive contract, a massive condominium, a massive following and a massive ego.  All of a sudden, a small girl shows up at his house claiming to be his daughter.  He doesn’t question the claim, since it seems fairly likely to him that this girl’s mother (who is apparently some kind of philanthropist saint) would just leave her, unattended, on the doorstep of the father who never knew she existed. 

This would not, to most of us, make sense even if the mother was a crack-addled junkie prostitute (which she isn’t - this is a Disney movie).  You see, if a mother is so messed up that she would be willing to leave a girl in a situation like this, she would not have the werewithal to get the girl to the apartment.  And if she was indeed the wonderful person that The Rock and the little girl agree she is, she would never do something this insane.  One would think she would at least call first.  Or something.  But The Rock’s willingness to leave the whole situation unquestioned, his publicist’s failure to think anything through, and the stupidity of those around him, mean that these questions go unasked and unanswered.  Which is essential to the movie, or the big revelation at the end would come in the first two minutes.  And frankly, it should.  There is no reason we couldn’t have found out the real reason this little girl is there right away.  The same thing would have happened.

This egomaniac quarterback never throws to open teammates if he can run twenty yards to paydirt instead.  He considers himself above the team and above the sport.  He is a glory hound to the detriment of those around him, especially his team.  But his team doesn’t question that.  At all.  They still love him, because he’s the party-guy playboy with the sweet apartment where they all party.  No bad blood from the receivers who don’t get their due, no bitterness from the temmates who are unjustly overshadowed.  It’s a life of blissful ignorance and ease.  Until the little girl shows up, and teaches him what he can really be, and what’s important in life, and blah blah blah.  Sure, she’s cute and sweet and childish and so forth, but she’s also smarter than he is, more perceptive, better grounded…she’s six.  And the only reason she is six is that this way Disney can set up all the standard pratfalls for a movie like this one.  He gets covered in foam.  She puts a skirt on the bulldog.  The blender makes a mess in the kitchen.  She bedazzles his prize football.  And he falls down a lot.  Haha.

The one thing that bugged me the most about the movie, however, was the fact that they didn’t seem to have the rights to anything.  The Rock plays “Professional Football” for a team based in Boston called the “Rebels”.  His team is competing for the “Championship trophy”.  Why wouldn’t you be able to say Super Bowl?  Or New England Patriots, or the NFL?  There are dozens of other movies that use those words.  Even Disney has already used “NFL” in a movie, a movie about a real-life guy on a real-life team, called Invincible.  Mark Wahlberg played Vince Papale, a walk-on from Philadelphia who made the Eagles in the 70s.  So we know they would be allowed to use these things if they wanted, or if they were willing to pay enough money.  So why not?  It’s really irritating hearing all these generic words like “Football Championship Trophy”, a trophy which, when you see it, bears a striking resemblance to the Super Bowl trophy.  Or, the Vince Lombardi trophy, if you will.

There are a lot of cameos from real football players and analysts.  Boomer Esiason, Marv Albert, Jim Gray, Stuart Scott, and Steven Levy all show up.  But they can’t say NFL?  And then he starts endorsing something called “Fanny’s Burgers”.  What, they couldn’t get McDonalds or Burger King to pay massive dollars for a product placement?  Or was it because the kid keeps saying that they make you fat and give you gas?  So he ends up doing endorsements for a burger chain that sounds as appealing as Krusty Burger.  And of course, the whole movie has to be peppered with the most brutal football talk in movie history.  Everything that comes out of the Rock’s mouth is a football reference, from the playbook to the post pattern to the buttonhook to, of course, the Game Plan.  It’s so forced and contrived that it almost makes me cringe even thinking about it now.  This is some of the worst dialogue in Disney history.

There is one reason to watch The Game Plan.  Roselyn Sanchez is smoking hot as the little girl’s ballet instructor Monique.  But her involvement in the movie is also a painful cliche, so it almost cancels out the hotness.  Almost.  Sanchez being as hot and flexible as she is is worth one dollar.  That leaves five dollars worth of movie rental that I am wanting back.  At least the kids liked it.  But then, they are unfamiliar with terms like “NFL”, “Burger King”, “flea flicker”, and “giant pile of crap”.

Alright Focus on the Family and like-minded Christians, I’m calling you out. You’re getting lazy. You spend so much time fighting against ambiguously gay television characters like Spongebob and Tinky-Winky, that you don’t have time for your own children. And why do you need to complain about these TV characters and movies like The Golden Compass? Because the only thing left to raise your children, what with all that time spent complaining, is the television. And you want to make sure that while being raised by that TV, your young impressionable boys don’t happen across the Teletubbies and all of a sudden start liking showtunes, lusting after Skeet Ulrich, and planning for a career as an interior decorator, or Kevin Fededline’s backup dancer. I know, I know, you COULD just spend time with them, making sure they watched only Christian-approved programming and maybe reading with them, but that seems like a lot of effort, doesn’t it? Better to write angry letters and volunteer at the latest Fred Phelps or anti-abortion rally, leaving your children in the care of (you hope) the VeggieTales.

So then what happens? Your kids are now addicted to cartoons and television. The only way to get through to them now is through other cartoons or possibly video games. And you want the to learn the bible, but they’re not going to be reading on their own or anything. So now, what, NOW what? Well, you hope that biblical stories get made into cartoons, so your kids can watch these cartoons and grow up to be just like you, and join you at the next Pat Robertson seminar. And lo and behold, here comes The Ten Commandments, the story of Moses, in cartoon form! And sure, you could always wait until Easter for the Charlton Heston movie to come on public access television, but then you would have to strap your children down with bungee cords and tape their eyelids open, because there’s no way they’re sitting through that one on their own.

Well, thank God for Christian Slater, Elliott Gould, Alfred Molina and Ben Kingsley, who have all provided their vocal talents to The Ten Commandments, (cartoon version), which came out May 13th courtesy of Alliance Films. This is one of those computer-generated “animated” movies where people kind of look like people, and kind of move like people, but they are mostly bald because animating hair would be that much more difficult. Again - lazy! Just because Yul Brynner was bald in 1956 doesn’t mean all ancient Egyptians were hairless, OK? Lazy, lazy, lazy. With The Ten Commandments, the story is already there. All you have to do is tell it in a cool, new way. But this movie hasn’t even done that. It’s just a cartoon remake, almost scene-for-scene, of Cecil B. DeMille’s 1956 epic! Down to the scene with the staffs and the snakes, and the slave labourers doing their thing, and the parting of the red sea while Moses stands facing it. That one is pretty much shot-for shot the same.

Which means that what we’re doing, in watching this film, is comparing it with Charlton Heston. And it comes up pretty darn short. Cheap, easy animation vs. a cast of thousands, with massive cinematography and epic storytelling? No contest. And Heston vs. Christian Slater? Come ON. Heston had the Moses voice. The deep, booming Moses voice. Christian Slater does not have that voice. In fact, he has a pretty sissy, weenie voice. Can you imagine, in a live action movie, Woody Allen playing Moses? That’s how this movie feels.

“Let my people go!”

“Umm…no.”

“OK, I’ll take my staff and I’ll leave.”

“Yeah, you’d best be going.”

And then there’s Alfred Molina, as Ramses, who calls for Moses like he’s William Shatner in The Wrath Of Khan. “Moooooosseeees!” “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaan!” And Elliott Gould as God may as well be…well…Woody Allen also.

So what it comes down to for me is this - why? Why make this movie at all? I wracked my brain long and hard before coming up with the laziness explanation. And I am fully aware, so don’t bother pointing it out, that the story of Moses and the Ten Commandments is more of a Jewish story than a Christian one. But I don’t see Jewish lobby groups complaining about Patrick Starfish. When I do, I will make fun of them as well. And this might not be the right forum for this, but…isn’t what Moses (and of course God) did to the Egyptian people…terrorism? The plagues - you can’t drink the water, it’s unsafe. The locusts have eaten your crops, so you can’t eat. Your civilians will die if you don’t…let God’s people go. We will kill all of the first born sons of Egypt. Yes. We will murder your innocent citizens if you don’t give us our independence. Umm…sound familiar? Perhaps in Palestine, the people might…OK. I was right, this is not the right forum for this. The Ten Commandments, stupid cartoon version, comes out tomorrow, May 13th, from Alliance Films.

The Backyardigans are a crew of creatures that sing songs for very small children. The Backyardigans High Flying Adventures comes out tomorrow, May 13th, on DVD from Paramount Home Entertainment. It features four episodes, “Fly Girl”, “Who Goes There?”, “What’s Bugging You?”, and “Chichen-Itza Pizza”. Each episode features a certain style of music. The songs in Fly Girl are all fifties tunes (like The Wanderer), with new lyrics by the Backyardigans. What’s Bugging You features Rumba music, Who Goes There is set to flamenco, and Chichen-Itza Pizza is set to…get ready…college fight songs! This is a good way for kids to learn about history, but far be it from me to suggest that perhaps Chichen Itza and the Mexican jungle are a location that might perhaps…historically speaking…be best served with the Rumba music, while the episode about the Spiffy Spiffy club could perhaps make better use of the fight songs? Perhaps I’m thinking too much. This is, after all, a show for four-year-olds.

This bunch of creatures seems to be assembled as though they are all animals who one might find in one’s backyard. Or at least that is what the name of the group would indicate to me. However, they are a penguin, a hippo, a moose, a sheep, I think a rabbit, and another pink polka-dotted creature which might be an insect, but is more likely something created by Dr. Seuss. Like, a capblabber, or a jilskittler, or something. I can’t imagine what it really is. Again, I am thinking too much. It’s tough to write a review from the perspective of a four-year-old, it having been so long since I was one. I just know that these animals do NOT exist in my backyard. Maybe the rabbit. If that’s what it is supposed to be. Or that pink thing, if it’s supposed to be a beetle.

The animation is computer-generated, in a sort of claymation way, and it is certainly much better than the animation of similar children’s shows, like Jakers! And the Wonder Pets, which it has been my pleasure to watch and review of late. And the writing, while not as good as say, Spongebob, is better as well. Also, the music is decent, much better than Wonder Pets, but not nearly as good as the VeggieTales. All in all, the Backyardigans are middle-ground children’s fare at best. They may entertain your children just fine, but if you want to get them good stuff, you’d be better off with Spongebob or Veggie Tales.

There is a conventional wisdom surrounding movies, music and art in general that states certain people are not cut out to make that art. Traditionally, those who suck at making movies and music and the rest of it are from two areas. Either the hard-core Republican-type right wingers, or the hard-core Christian evangelist types. Of course, very often these people are one and the same. Of course there are exceptions, and please don’t write in listing every one of those exceptions. I am aware of them. Alice Cooper, for example, is a Republican. One way to look at this is documentary movies - compare right-wing biased documentaries with left-wing biased documentaries. Michael Moore stuff, ant-war in Iraq stuff, pro-pot stuff. Now, name me one right-wing documentary you know of. Just one. GO ahead, name it. Well, they’ve been made, but they are not well done, and no one has heard of them. Perhaps the most famous is FahrenHype 9/11, a movie seen by fully 3 percent of the number of people who have seen Fahreheit 9/11.

Perhaps the man who proves this rule best, Republican-wise, is Jack Abramoff. As a movie producer in the 80s, he managed to get a neo-con, anti-commie, ridiculous film made. It was called Red Scorpion, and it starred Dolph Lundgren, and it was staggeringly bad. He followed this up with Red Scorpion 2, released in 1994. Then, he joined the George W. Bush team, and along with Tom DeLay, he managed to extort, steal, embezzle and misappropriate millions and millions of dollars from, among other groups, the native American tribes of the U.S. He also inspired dozens of jokes, both good ones and bad ones. If Abram helped you off a horse, would you help Jack Abramoff? And so forth.

And the Christians? Two words. Christian rock. Does that make you cringe just a little? Yeah, me too. Scott Stapp, why have you forsaken us? However, rules were made to be broken, and there is at least one Christian production team that does good work. They are called Big Idea Productions, and they are the fiercely pro-Christian, pro-God company behind the Veggie Tales. And you know what? They are good. In some cases, they are absolutely great! I grabbed the Veggie Tales series from Alliance Atlantis because our eight-year-old loves them. At first, I was awfully leery about this stuff - evangelical, pro-God songs? Christian values crammed into the faces of kids? It scared me a bit. Then I started watching. And I found myself laughing. Actually laughing. So much so that when the latest shipment of DVDs arrived, our 8-year-old was not even here, and I still opened them up and started watching them. By myself.

The double feature DVD is Very Silly Songs, and the Ultimate Silly Songs. Which is the best part of Veggie Tales. Their songs are very, very good. Although the wisdom of creating a 2-DVD package, each DVD being song-related, is debatable when there are five songs repeated from one disc to the next. Why bother? Couldn’t you fit all that on one disc, rather than making two? In the end, you get about fifteen songs. Which brings me to complaint number two. MY favourite Veggie Tales song is not on here! The one about the ball that was kicked into the tree, and it bounced in to the gated community? Hilarious. Gated community. Haha. There are still some comedic gems here though, that kids will love and adults will, hopefully, with an open mind, find quite amusing. Songs like I Love My Lips and The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything.

Yes, some of the Veggie Tales songs are preachy and irritating. But most of them are well done and not crazy God-centric, and those are very good. It proves that rules are made to be broken, and Christian producers can be just as good as atheist Golden Compass-type producers. Also out on DVD are actual Veggie Tales episodes such as Larry-Boy and the Rumour Weed, and Madame Blueberry, of which Madame Blueberry is the superior DVD. But the silly songs are the way to go. Christian movies can be good (the Ten Commandments), Christian music can be good (Handel’s Messiah) and Republicans can be cool too (Alice Cooper). I am leaving out Ted Nugent here, because although he has made some great music in his life, he is a class-one, Grade-A nutjob.

Jakers is something that appears to have been delivered to me by accident. I may well have ordered it by mistake, in fact. You see, I order movies from a few companies so that I can watch them and review them before they come out on DVD. And sometimes I will order something I have never heard of, in the hopes of finding a hidden gem. Like, King of Kong. Or The City of Violence. And sometimes I find something much worse than a “gem”, like Dragon Heat. In this case, I was simply completely wrong about what it might be. However, since Paramount had sent me the DVD, I felt obligated to watch it and review it anyway. Jakers! Treasure Hunt on Raloo Farm will be released on Tuesday, February 19th. So here goes:

Jakers is a series about a small pig named Piggly-winks, and his friends, which are a very small cow and a very large duck. (They are all the same size. I am assuming that as the main character, the pig is drawn to scale, and the sheep are about the same size as he is, but he is not yet a full-grown pig, so I will assume that he is merely a pig the size of a sheep, and therefore the cow is smaller than usual, and the duck is larger. Got it so far?) I have no idea what Jakers means. But every now and then it is something Piggly Winks says, so I think it is the equivalent of Shaggy’s “zoiks” on Scooby Doo. The set-up of each episode is an old man pig talking to his grandchildren piglets, reminiscing about the times when he was their age. Only, when he was their age, he looked very cute as a piglet, and his own grandchildren are comparatively unattractive. Piggly-Winks is not the only character with a catch-phrase. The cow, whose name escapes me, has a catch phrase that escapes me too. But that’s because I can’t understand what he’s saying. It sounds like “jerry-mac”. But that doesn’t make much sense, so I think I’m hearing it wrong.

Jakers is an Irish kids series, which means the characters all have Irish accents, and that’s pretty funny. This particular DVD, Treasure Hunt on Raloo Farm, features four episodes. The first episode concerns a treasure hunt. You see, Piggly-Winks father wants Piggly-Winks to do the chores, so he sets up a treasure hunt. Piggly-Winks is so excited at this treasure hunt that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing the chores until he’s done! And the duck says “that’s a right bonny pa you got there”, or something to that effect. But I beg to differ. If the father was willing to spend that much time laying out a treasure hunt for his son, he could very easily have done the chores himself in that time. So the son doing the chores is unnecessary, and therefore cruel. I mean, Piggly-Winks could have just been left alone to play his space-alien game, and all this could have been avoided. Furthermore, this is psychologically abusive to the child-pig. It’s kind of a Tom Sawyer and the whitewashed fence scenario, where you trick someone into doing your own work. Work you yourself could easily have done. A bonny father? Hardly. A cruel and deceitful taskmaster, perhaps.

The second episode is called Our Dragon’s Egg. The kids find an egg. It is bigger than the chicken eggs. So they assume it is the egg of a dragon. Spoiler alert - it’s a swan. I hope I gave you enough warning with that spoiler alert. I don’t want to ruin the end of this thing for anyone. Well, I’m going to assume very few four-year-olds read my blog, but you never can tell. I am also going to assume that most people who read my blog have totally lost interest in the adventures of Piggly-Winks at this time, and they have stopped reading by now. So I am going to include a list of people I don’t like right here, because no one is likely to ever read it. Karl Rove, Julia Stiles, Keanu Reeves, Dick Chaney, Pierre Polievre, Patrick Swayze, Michael Buble, Michael Irvin, Fred Phelps, and Colonel Sanders. And that concludes my review of Piggly Winks and his livestock-related adventures. Jakers!