Cynical Cinema

Yes, The Love Boat has returned to DVD, on August 12th, from Paramount Home Entertainment.  Season One, Volume Two comes out on that day, and boy, was it worth the wait!  It turns out there are twelve episodes on Volume Two, on four discs.  And I know what you’re thinking - why not just throw the whole thing together into one glorious Season One Package?  Well, it turns out that if Paramount had done so, it would be too much Love Boat for just one person.  As it stands, there are many reasons to pick up Season One, Volume Two.  Here they are:

Kathy Bates
Leslie Nielsen
Pearl Bailey
Shelley Long
Monty Hall
Annette Funicello
Frankie Avalon
Pat Morita

I have chosen all those whose names I thought might be sought-after by completists.  Like, if you have every single movie Pat Morita has ever done, all the Karate Kids, Bloodsport III, Karate Dog and all the others, and you find out that Pat Morita appeared on the Pacific Princess Overtures episode of The Love Boat, then you would want to complete your collection, would you not?  You see, this is why I gave Season One Volume Two one more star than I did Season One Volume One.  Because I have a particular affinity for Kathy Bates.  For further guest stars, please check out the links at the bottom.  Oh - but be warned.  Annette and Frankie appear in separate episodes.

P.S. I Love You is out on DVD now.  My girlfriend watched it with her friends, then insisted that I absolutely had to watch it with her also.  And I get why.  I really do.  This movie is designed specifically with women in mind, and I think the people who made this decided to completely forego any audience they might receive with men and concentrate entirely on the female demographic.  So it’s the opposite of, say, Shoot ‘Em Up, a movie that didn’t care about a female audience at all.  And neither one is very good, for that reason.  When you decide to make a movie, and you decide to focus that movie entirely toward one group of people, the movie becomes very calculated.  You are designing a movie, moreso than creating one.  And P.S. I Love You is an incredibly calculated, contrived film.

It stars Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank as a married couple who are still hopelessly in love after twelve years of marriage.  Then he dies.  He has had this inoperable brain tumour, see, and he knew he was going to die.  But he knew that pretty young Hilary Swank was going to be devastated by his passing, and was going to lose her mind, so he decided to help her out.  And before he died, he created a series of notes and messages that would be delivered to her from beyond the grave.  Oooooh.  So, she gets these notes, and follows the instructions, and eventually gets over her crushing grief.  In the meantime, each note triggers a memory of Butler, so we get to see flashbacks of them in younger, happier times, being in love. 

And that’s all there is to this movie.  It’s basically two hours of people being in love.  And people loving each other for TWO hours is BORING.  And the love story is not the only thing that’s contrived here.  Hilary Swank goes to Ireland at one point.  While there, she meets a guy and tells him her whole story - my husband died, I’m here to see his country and family, blah blah blah…my name is Holly…then they sleep together.  Then, in the morning, she says her husband’s name.  And they both get a shock when they find out that they actually know each other!  He is her husband’s childhood best friend!  Well…wouldn’t he have put two and two together?  I have a best friend that recently died, he married a girl named Holly, there is an American woman in his home town named Holly, whose husband has recently died…and she looks exactly like the Holly I met when they got together…wait, that’s YOU?  It makes no sense, but lets us in on more tear-jerking moments and some “humour”.

But the most contrived thing about the movie is the constant preponderance of tear-jerking moments.  With a film like this - dead guy, grieving widow, there are many opportunites to throw maudlin, sappy, crying moments into it.  And this film does not miss a single opportunity to do so.  And so some women might enjoy this, because they want to cry throughout an entire movie.  But me, being a cynical guy, am screaming “come on, already!  That’s enough!”  But it isn’t enough.  They need to cram more of it in there.  And so we get two full hours of this, which is way too long.  This movie is a calculated, irritating string of moments designed to make people sad.  And there is really no story whatsoever.  It is two hours of two people being in love, and because one of those people is dead, we sob into our hankies and wipe our tears on the pillows on the couch and appreciate our loved ones around us.

 Or, we get uncomfortable, irritated, and we count the minutes until it is over.  Two hours of people being in love, even if those two people are as attractive and likeable and good as Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler, is not a movie.  Kathy Bates plays Swank’s mother, and she is given nothing at all to do.  Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow show up as her best friends, and they are fairly useless except to create contrived comedic scenes.  Like the one where their lifejackets all inflate.  Hilarious.  And Harry Connick Jr., while he is quite funny in the film, doesn’t seem to serve any purpose either, and Swank’s relationship with him is so briefly touched upon that when it comes to a head later in the film, we have absolutely no idea why.  If you are going to watch a movie designed by a focus group for women to make you cry, watch The Notebook.  At least that film had a story, and you just might enjoy it.  P.S. I Love You is just too calculated to be any good at all.

I have heard many people complaining about Bee Movie. How it was too adult for kids and too kiddy for adults and so forth. But I disagree. Bee Movie is a Seinfeld movie. Jerry Seinfeld was having dinner with Steven Spielberg, and he said “wouldn’t it be funny if someone made a movie called Bee Movie, and it was all about bees?” And there you have it. Seinfeld is about the only guy in Hollywood not named Spielberg who has that kind of clout. Hey, wouldn’t it be neat - and it’s done. And I’m glad it was done. This movie is good. It’s funny, it’s smart, and kids will like it whether they understand it or not. I watched it today with the two kids. One is thirteen and one is eight, and both had a lot of fun watching it. In fact, the 13-year-old is watching it again, a couple of hours later, with his mom upstairs right now.

The fact is, it is not too adult for kids. For four-year-olds, maybe. But even if you’re eight, you will get it. My younger step-son pestered me with questions through the entire movie. What’s a writ? What’s litigation? What’s a class action? And you know, although he did not understand those terms while watching the movie, he does now. And that’s a good thing. The premise of the story is that bees can talk. They have always been able to talk, but they are prohibited from talking to human beings because it’s a bee rule never to do so. But when Barry B. Benson (I think that’s his name) decides he does not want to work for the honey plant for the rest of his life, and talks to a human being, it sets off a chain of events that leads to him suing humankind over honey. There are some hilarious laugh-out-loud moments in the film. The Larry King piece is hilarious, the Winne the Pooh bit as well, and the scene where he first talks to the woman is one of the funniest I’ve seen in an animated movie.

The real stroke of awesomeness in Bee Movie is this - it is, actually, a B-Movie. It has all the earmarks of a B-Movie. The big dramatic but obvious finish, the campy dialogue, and Ray Liotta. Casting Ray Liotta as himself in this movie was a stroke of genius. The ultimate B-Movie actor in a B-Movie called Bee Movie. Get it? If only Bruce Campbell had showed up as well. Some serious voice talent does appear, however. Sting plays himself, as does Larry King. Oprah plays a judge, and John Goodman, Chris Rock, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, Rip Torn and Kathy Bates all make appearances. Of course, however, the real star is Jerry Seinfeld, who does the voice of Barry. It gives the whole movie this absurdist feel, as though you’re watching a Seinfeld episode re-enacted by bees. Even Michael Richards appears, to give more Seinfeld flavour to the experience. And this movie also has the best use of the Beatles’ song Here Comes The Sun that you are likely to hear in a film. It’s done by Sheryl Crow, and it doesn’t quite compare to some other covers. (I personally love the version done by Alison Moorer, as well as a reggae classic cover by Peter Tosh.) But it fits so well with this movie. This is a great movie.