Cynical Cinema

Alliance Films is releasing Asterix At the Olympic Games today, November 11th. This DVD is a little different than the earlier Asterix DVDs, in that it is available with English subtitles and, should you want it, English dubbing. The first two Asterix et Obelix DVDs were in French only, but this one gets the English additions for the Canadian market. Also new is the guy playing Asterix himself. Gone is Christian Clavier, who played the character in the first two films, replaced by Clovis Cornillac. Perhaps they already had the dressing room for the actor playing Asterix outfitted with monogrammed towels, and they needed to find someone with the same initials to save some money. Because frankly, Cornillac is not the Asterix I have come to expect. Clavier was expressive, with a twitchy moustache and wide-eyed excitement. Cornillac is more of a preener, striking poses and looking bemused at his would-be opponents, like a French version of Cary Elwes. Not the same. Not cool.

Gerard Depardieu, however, returns in the role of Obelix, the beachball-shaped strongman who usually plays second-fiddle to Asterix. Although in this film, Asterix is given very little to actually do, and Obelix gets more face time. The real star of the film, however, is Stephane Rousseau as Alafolix, a Gaul who is in love with Princess Irina. She is portrayed, as is often the case in these movies, by a supermodel. This time the supermodel is the mouthwatering Vanessa Hessler, who has little to do except look extremely hot. And she does that very well. Once again, there is a new actor playing the druid Panoramix - this time it is Jean-Pierre Cassel, in his final film role. For the third time there is a new Julius Caesar, this time played by Alain Delon.

The basic plot of the film is that Princess Irina has decided she will marry the Winner Of The Olympics. How one guy can win the Olympics, and by extension the hand of Vanessa Hessler, is never clearly explained. Asterix and Obelix, with their super-strength and magic potion, are clearly winning all the events, which would lead me to believe that were the princess to honour her commitment, she would have to enter into a three-way relationship with the small mustachioed guy in the Viking helmet and the big fat hungry guy with Pippi Longstocking braids. I think I saw that in an adult film once, but how it would work here is unclear. It seems that everyone involved here has accepted the fact that if the Gauls win, Alafolix by extension wins, and he gets to marry the hot chick. However, if the Romans win, she will be forced to marry the unpleasant, devious and idiotic Brutus, son of Julius Caesar.

There are, as usual, some strange subplots. One involves Brutus constantly trying to knock off his old man, Caesar, which is a series of plots that meet with a Wile-E-Coyote level success rate. Another involves the Romans’ star athlete, a guy named (I think) Gluteus Maximus. Near the beginning of the movie, there is a rather unsettling scene where this big, muscular, athletic guy is sprinting through the forest and runs past Asterix and Obelix. Curious, the Gauls chase after him to find out why he is running so fast. They never really find out why, but still end up crushing him with a tree and then they beat the hell out of him. He wasn’t hurting anyone - this poor guy’s just out training. For the Olympics! They could have left him alone, you would think. I mean, sure, he bumped into Obelix a little bit as he sprinted by, but isn’t this reaction a little extreme? This makes Asterix and Obelix look like those muscle-guys in the bar who are looking for a fight every time someone jostles their elbow. Not cool, guys.

Also a little unsettling is the use of the magic strength potion to win the Olympics. After all, what kind of message does this send to kids? This movie is clearly created for children, then suggests that steroids are not such a bad idea? They call attention to this, administering a breathalyser test to the athletes and disqualifying Asterix and Obelix. But they are the heroes of the piece, and they laugh at the idea that the Romans have to cheat by banning them. But - they are using the potion! They are the cheaters! They should be banned! The Olympics appear to be held in Greece, which is historically accurate. Greece appears to be a part of the Roman Empire. Which is not historically accurate. They are clearly making a reference to the rock band Rolling Stones, but they say “Les Pierres Qui Roulent”. A lot of this doesn’t make sense.

Like the other two films in this series, Asterix at the Olympic Games features numerous references to other movies. Star Wars, Ben-Hur, and so forth. Most of these are distracting and pointless, but one stands out. There is a moment where Gerard Depardieu, as Obelix, whispers love poems to the love-struck Alafolix as he stands under Princess Irina’s window. It’s an obvious reference to Cyrano De Bergerac, a movie in which Depardieu plays the icon of unrequited love who whispers love poems from the bushes. Then he does the same for his dog Idefix, who falls in love with the princess’ dog. And that gets pretty stupid.

I like the way these movies are shot. I like the fact that they are colourful, the costumes are terrific, and yet you never forget you are watching a cartoon brought to live-action on the screen. But I think the biggest problem with the movies is the fact that (for France) they are big-budget. And when a film has a budget this big, film makers seem to think that the only way to truly justify that is to throw in as much stuff as they can, using up their resources and money. Which leads to subplots about dogs in love, inventions to kill Caesar, and a half-hour of unnecessary crap between the announcement of the climactic chariot race and the beginning of that race itself. Asterix At The Olympic Games is almost two hours long, but it should be about 80 minutes. That’s all the real content there is. We get it. Obelix is strong, Princess Irina is hot, the Roman guy is evil and stupid, now get on with the movie.

The best thing about the movie (other than the hotness of Vanessa Hessler) is actually the English dubbing and the English subtitles. How the English could be so strange and badly done here, I have no idea. But it’s hilarious! The hero of the story, Alafolix, gets his name changed to “Lovesix”. The king of Greece is named Samagas. In the English dubbing, this translates to something that sounds like “Boogerpus”. And the English subtitles to the scene call him “Obnoxious”. As though that is his name. Wouldn’t the single easiest thing to translate in a movie be the names of the characters? Even changing their names to things like “Jim”, or “Ted” would make SOME sense, if you wanted English audiences to see names they recognized. But why change a Latin name to something more incomprehensible? It’s pretty strange. And pretty funny.

There are some things that make Asterix At The Olympic Games worthwhile. The always-amusing Depardieu, the colourful, vibrant filming and set design, the gorgeous Vanessa Hessler. And of course the hilarious subtitles and some fun cartoon violence. But there are an equal number of things that make this film sag. The useless subplots, the overly long interludes between the action, and the questionable messages for children - steroid use, bar-brawl bullying, and attempted patricide. I’ll leave it up to you and split the difference in my review. With one extra half-star for the fact that it’s a great way to help your kids learn French, and another extra half-star for the cameos by famous sports figures - Tony Parker, Amelie Mauresmo, Michael Schumacher and Zinedine Zidane.

When I was a kid, I loved Asterix and Obelix. I would go to the library and borrow every single one of those giant, hardcover, oversized comic books. In fact, most of the reason I still have the ability to speak and understand French today is thanks to Asterix et Obelix, Gaston La Gaffe, Lucky Luke, and a host of other French-language comic books aimed directly at very young children. In 1999, this comic book, beloved in France, was turned into a massive live action movie starring some of the biggest names in French films, including Gerard Depardieu as Obelix. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar comes to DVD in North America today, July 1st, from Alliance Films. It has no English subtitles, and no English dubbing, so unless you speak French, steer clear.

For those of you (and I’m sure there are a few) who are unfamiliar with the story of Asterix and Obelix, they are Gauls, who live in a little village in the heart of the Roman Empire. The Romans have managed to conquer the rest of the known world, but for some reason this little village continues to resist their rule. It’s all thanks to the “magic potion” brewed by the village’s resident druid, Panoramix. This potion gives anyone who drinks it superhuman strength, and the village has been using it to fend off the Romans for years. Asterix is the leader of the Gaul warriors, a clever and cunning fellow, and Obelix is his stupid best friend. Obelix, as a child, fell into the magic potion, and became permanently super-strong. He is the only one in the village who does not have to drink the potion to beat up Romans. And the rest of the comic book involves Romans attacking in columns and phalanxes, the Gauls punching them, words like BAFFE pop up, and the Romans land far away with their clothes off. No one ever seems to die, but there is a constant threat of being thrown to the lions. (Or, if they’re in Egypt, the crocodiles.)

Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar remains true to the comics. Very true. In fact, much too true. Everything from the comic book is thrown in to a giant pot and stirred around with a giant paddle. In fact, they kept certain objects intact from the comic books, like the giant pot and giant paddle they use for the potion. In the film, the Romans want to destroy the one little holdout village that hasn’t succumbed to Roman rule. Also, there is some plot that involves a thief who comes to the Gaul village and steals the gold the Romans have collected in taxes. But the thief goes away quickly, the gold goes away quickly, and nothing really comes of that. Also odd is the sub-plot that involves Laetitia Casta, a French supermodel making her film debut here, as the gorgeous woman who shows up just so Obelix can fall in love with her. She’s no actress, but she sure is hot enough to moon over.

And that’s the biggest problem with this film. Obelix has a crush on the girl, so he moons over her - just like in the comic book. Obelix eats a lot - just like in the comic book. In fact, come to think of it, Obelix (Depardieu) is basically Marmaduke. He’s either eating a lot, or he’s trying to be like people. He keeps trying to drink the magic potion, even though he doesn’t need it - just like in the comic book. The Romans crush Asterix and Obelix with giant rocks, and the rocks just push them down into a hole in the earth. Just like the comic book. The Romans attack in wave after wave, just to be punched out of their clothes. Just like in the comic book.

All of this made for some very entertaining comics, but not so much entertaining film. A lot of the humour here is visual, and the director has done a pretty good job in recreating the exact visual effects from the comics themselves. But that’s the stuff that just doesn’t work after a while. Now, I watched with my two step-kids, and they really liked the visual humour. But they don’t speak much French at all, so they missed the jokes that are actually funny. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar contains quite a bit of Monty Python type humour. There are also dozens of references to classic films, most notably Star Wars. Roberto Benigni shows up to do a memorable turn as the villain Detritus, and with his poor French accent, he really stands out. If you understand French.

And that’s the best thing about these movies for our kids. (Another one, Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre, comes out the same day, July 1st.) Not only is the French very simple, and easy to understand, the films are also so wild and cartoonish that you really don’t need the dialogue to explain everything. The kids enjoyed both, even though their command of the language is suspect at best. The film is not great. It’s only sort-of good. But it’s simple, the kids will like it, it will help them with their French, and Laetitia Casta is hot and there are lots of big jugs. So it’s worth your while in some way.

These Asterix et Obelix movies are impressive films. A massive cast, some of the most well-known actors in the world, and a seemingly limitless budget for what are, in many ways, modest movies. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre is no exception. In fact, this movie is the most expensive movie ever made in France. Gerard Depardieu and Christian Clavier return as the titular heroes, and Monica Bellucci shows up as the titular heroine. I think I can safely make this proclamation right now. Never, in the history of children’s movies, has there been a sexier, hotter, more ridiculously smoldering character. France is a little different than North America, you see. In North America, you can show explosions and violence and fighting and killing in kids’ movies, but kissing? That’s kind of a stretch…

In France, however, they make movies like this one. Monica Bellucci, possibly the most magnificent, gorgeous specimen on movie screens the world over, is Cleopatra. She wears different, opulent, clothes in every scene. Sometimes those clothes are see-through. Other times, they manage to reveal everything but nipple. And still other times, there are gratuitous (but welcome) shots of the top of her ass crack. How often do you get to see something so glorious in a kids’ movie? In my memory, never. In fact, not only is Monica Bellucci the hottest women ever to appear in a kids’ movie, she is also the hottest Cleopatra of all time. Elizabeth Taylor was awfully close in 1963, but in 1963 she wasn’t wearing anything like this.

Once again, with this film, there are no English subtitles or English dubbing, which means that unless you speak French there will be a significant language barrier. However, the actions and plot are so cartoonish that you may be able to figure it out anyway. Jamel Debbouze plays Numerobis, an Egyptian architect, who has been commissioned by Cleopatra to build a palace in Egypt for Julius Caesar. This is all the result of some silly bet between Caesar and Cleopatra, which makes virtually no sense at all, but at least it sets up the plot. Numerobis has three months in which to build this gigantic palace, and of course can’t possibly finish it in that time. So he visits Asterix and Obelix in Gaul to persuade them to help him finish on time, with their magical potion. Soon, all the workers in Egypt are sipping the magic potion and gaining superhuman strength, and the palace is going up quickly. (This involves some Monty Python-esque dialogue between the labourers, who explain that they are not slaves, and then go on strike to reduce their days to 18 hours and to get fewer whippings.)

But, of course, there has to be a villain in the movie. In this case, it is the “official” Egyptian architect, Amonbofis, played by Gerard Darmon. We suppose that his main reason for attempting to sabotage the construction of this palace is that his feelings have been hurt, in that he was not the architect chosen to build the place. Other than that, there seems to be no reason for him to be angry. He conspires with Caesar, who wants to destroy the palace that is being built FOR him, so he can win a bet…all of this is tied together with loose connections and plot holes and leaps in logic that are so comic booky in nature that keeping it all straight would require a PhD in idiocy.

And once again, the biggest failing in the film is the adherence to the comic books themselves. The boars they eat are gigantic. They bring Cleopatra a cake that is as big as a person. No one questions these things, because it’s a comic book. But they just don’t work on the big screen. You wonder why, when the fighting between the Gauls and the Roman army is going to be so cartoonish, would they bother amassing such a gigantic number of actors to play soldiers. And then, the whole movie closes with a song by Snoop Dogg. Bizarre. However, at the end, one question was answered for me. I wondered why, in the first movie, Caesar was played by Gottfried John, and in this film he’s played by the director, Alain Chabat. Well, he gets to seriously make out with Monica Bellucci. I think I may have cast myself as Caesar were I the director in this case as well. It turns out that this is the plum role in the film.

Once again, just like Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar, this is a film that is great for kids in the sense that it will help them with their French and they will want to watch it even though they don’t understand every word. And you will want to watch it for Monica Bellucci. Which makes it very worthwhile, while still being not very good. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre comes out along with Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar today, July 1st, from Alliance Films.