Cynical Cinema

If a line like “that’s not my ringtone” scares you, you might enjoy One Missed Call.  Then again, if “that’s not my ringtone” scares you, you really need to watch The Exorcist.  Or Alien.  Or Night of the Living Dead.  Because you are missing out on life, I think.  Cell phones are, try as they might in this film, not scary.  They are not even slightly fearsome.  They are just cell phones.  At best, they’re irritating.  The premise in the movie is that people are dying.  As they tend to do in horror movies.  Before they die, they get a voicemail message on their cell phones from the person who just died.  But it’s their own voice!  And that voice is scared.  And screaming.  And the message is dated at the exact time and date that they are scheduled to die.  Now, if you heard yourself say “if only I could get my head screwed on straight” at the exact time you’re scheduled to die, wouldn’t you really, REALLY avoid using that phrase?  Just a thought.

So these people know they’re going to die, but of course the main character can somehow figure out the mystery of where this evil comes from and why these kids specifically have been targeted.  None of it really makes any sense.  As Shannyn Sossamon gets the ear of sympathetic cop Edward Burns, the two of them are racing against the clock because you see…she got the call too!  Which leads to a final showdown in an…abandoned hospital.  Come on people.  Let’s stop using abandoned hospitals as creepy locations in horror movies, shall we?  Has the concept not played itself out by now?  How about an abandoned 4-H club, or an abandoned cardboard box factory?  We’re done with hospitals.  At least I am.  Then the final FINAL scare, because you know that there has to be another twist and another scare and another death before it’s all over.  Blah blah blah.  This is a remake of the genuinely chilling Japanese film of the same name, directed ably by the Japanese horror master Takashi Miike, who is one of the best in the world.  This film does not live up to his standard.

At least the star of the film is attractive, in a  Denise-from-the-Cosby-Show sort of way.  Shannyn Sossamon is gorgeous, and has a great story - one that is far better than the one in the movie.  She was discovered by a Hollywood casting director while DJing at a Hollywood party.  Figuring she looked a lot like Angelina Jolie (and she does - she is a cross between Jolie and Lisa Bonet from the Cosby Show), she was thrust into a starring role opposite Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale, a film that was designed to make stars of both actors.  It worked for Ledger in a big way, although the film itself didn’t fare particularly well.  And it worked a little for Sossamon, who next got a star turn in 40 Days And 40 Nights with Josh Hartnett.  But since then, she has been working in low-rent horror flicks like this one.  Don’t rent this or buy it or glance at it for free.  Instead, here are some pictures.  Who does Shannyn Sossamon resemble more?  Angelina Jolie or Lisa Bonet?