Cynical Cinema

Alliance Films is releasing CSI: New York, season four, on September 23rd. And I actually believe that New York has evolved into the best of the CSI family. William Petersen as Gil Grissom on the Vegas version is vaguely creepy as the super smart father figure to the CSI team. David Caruso as Horatio Caine on the Miami version is fully creepy and completely ridiculous as the Jesus figure to the CSI team. Which means that Gary Sinise on CSI: New York, playing just a regular guy, is exactly what the whole CSI franchise needs.

The rest of the cast on CSI: New York is terrific as well. This is the best cast assembled for a CSI series, and the episodes are better as a result. Really, the plot and the writing of each CSI series is interchangeable with the other series, and so the cast really does make all the difference. Also, New York is just a more interesting city than Las Vegas, where most deaths are gambling related. And it is also more interesting than Miami, where most deaths are bikini related. Season Four is once again terrific, with guest stars like Bruce Dern and Dylan Bruce rounding out the excellent cast. Well worth picking up.

Alliance Films releases The Killing Gene today, September 16th. It’s a horror film in the tradition of Saw and Seven and other movies like them. A killer is stalking the lowlifes in the city, putting them in situations where they have to choose between ending their own life or the life of someone they love. A grizzled old police veteran (Stellan Skarsgard, Ronin) has been assigned to the case, one that brings back memories of an old crime that went unpunished. His new partner, Melissa George (Alias), starts to believe something is amiss. Of course, this is a movie that has been made several times before.

But rarely has it been done this well. The Killing Gene is relentless. And despite the fact that there is an over-reliance on coincidence and red herrings and easily-explained occurrences, there is barely any time to dwell on any of it. The final scene is intense and brutal. Once again, although the final “twist” is very obvious from the beginning. But The Killing Gene is so well-acted (by Skarsgard, George, and Selma Blair), and so well done that it holds you captivated until the very end. This is a horror film well worth picking up.

Alliance Films is releasing season six of CSI: Miami today, September 16th. There have been six seasons of this show, and all of them have been hilarious. Watching them on DVD is even funnier, because you don’t have all those commercials to dull your senses before the show begins again. And that really calls attention to the fact that this show can’t cut to a commercial without a deep, tough-guy line and a musical sting. When it comes back from commercial, there is a musical sting there as well. And often, another insightful, bad-ass line. Computers can’t analyze DNA or other evidence without a quick sting, a jump cut or two or five, and a flashy series of camera shots. This is just like the first version of CSI, only this time the priorities are flipped. The Vegas version is about crimes that happen to be investigated by hot people, whereas the Miami version is about hot people who just happen to investigate crimes. Usually crimes committed by hot people against other hot people. Which means more hot-chick montages.

Which means more style, less substance, and way more bikinis. I could write an episode of CSI: Miami in about eight minutes. Hot girl gets killed, all signs point to boyfriend with six-pack abs. David Caruso says something intense. Montage of bikinis and babes on the beach. The boyfriend is cleared, and now the signals appear to point in the direction of a secret cult of lesbian strippers who hold oil-wrestling parties. Caruso investigates. Lesbian strippers say sexy things to him, he delivers an intense line. Musical sting. A young child has witnessed something, but no one can get him to talk. But he’ll talk to Caruso, because he believes the man is Jesus. Caruso gets into a dustup with bad guys outside oil wrestling venue. He offers the bad guys a choice. Either throw down your guns or die. (Only more intense.) They choose not to throw down their guns, and he shoots them all. He officially changes his name to Big Daddy Kane. Musical montage of bikini chicks, hummers and guys with barbed-wire bicep tattoos. Caruso finds out the victim was his long-lost daughter. He shows no emotion. He discovers that the killer is in fact a hot chick in lingerie. He confronts her. She attempts to seduce him but he’s too cool. He shows no emotion. Guitar sting. Then there is a final shootout where a bunch of bad guys die, but the bad chick is merely knocked unconscious by a falling anvil. She is arrested. There is a musical montage of Caruso looking wistful in slow-motion as bikini-clad babes play on the beach and Ferraris zoom by.

This is essentially the plot of every episode in Season Six. Except that sometimes, instead of lesbian strippers, it’s hot swimmers in bathing suits or gorgeous lingerie models. And instead of the young child witness, sometimes it’s a deaf girl or a mentally handicapped man. Either way, they will talk only to Horatio. And in Season Six, instead of his long-lost daughter, we meet Caruso’s long-lost son. Either way, he shows no emotion. In fact, he remains extremely stony-faced while talking to this boy throughout the season, but of course the kid will come to love him anyway. Imagine you found your father, a man you never knew existed, after twenty years. And he was a stone gargoyle in shades. How long would it take you to warm up to him? An eternity? Ah, but not if he’s David Caruso…now, it’s all well and good to read my little plot synopsis up there, but if you want to actually SEE all those babes in bikinis and fancy fast cars, you’ll have to pick up Season Six of CSI: Miami on DVD tomorrow.

Paramount Home Entertainment is releasing Criminal Minds: Season Three on DVD tomorrow, September 16th. As I have said many times before, most recently in my review of NCIS, these shows are a dime a dozen on TV. And I like almost all of them. Criminal Minds is one of the better ones, and the third season is my favourite to date. Nothing against Mandy Patinkin, who I like, but I am a big fan of Joe Mantegna. Both in the movies and on this show. This is the season where Patinkin left (although he does appear in the first episode), and Mantegna took his place. He adds a certain amount of credibility to the cast, which was already quite good. (Although I still find Thomas Gibson fairly irritating. Call it the curse of Dharma And Greg.)

This isn’t one of those series that delves deep into forensics, like CSI or NCIS. Instead, Criminal Minds deals with, well, criminal minds. Which stands to reason. It’s well-written, well acted, and the plot of each show is compelling. Which is especially true in the third season. Kidnapping, stalking, and murder. It’s worth checking out.

Saving Grace is a show on TNT in the States and on Showcase here in Canada. Season Two kicks off tonight, at 10 p.m. Eastern, and it’s solid. Holly Hunter stars in her first TV series as Grace, a hard-drinking, smoking, promiscuous detective in Oklahoma City. In the first season, she apparently has a string of one-night stands, an affair with her partner, and she kills a pedestrian in a hit-and-run with her Porsche. An angel appears to her and tells her she has a chance to do right again. I say “apparently” because I had not seen this show before. And I’m disappointed that I haven’t. Showcase specializes in the type of shows that you don’t normally see, with flawed characters, dark humour and creepy situations. And Saving Grace certainly qualifies.

I got a chance to see the first episode of season two today, and this really is a remarkable show. In the season opener, Grace has managed to capture and kidnap the priest who molested her as a child. While she is keeping him a prisoner in her house, she manages to kill a man who was on the FBI’s most wanted list. The internal affairs department begins an investigation after that shooting, because it gets reported that she was drunk at the time. It’s a powerful, dark and troubling episode to begin season two of a series that is better than most. Check it out tonight.

Paramount Home Entertainment is releasing Season Five of NCIS on DVD Tuesday August 26th. NCIS stands for Naval Crime Investigative Service, but not once do they investigate anything that has to do with a belly-button. Oh, geez. I think I hurt my own brain with that cheesy joke. Sorry to subject you to such chicanery, I am simply trying to come to terms with NCIS. I want to describe this series using words other than “generic”, or “common” or “meh”. But nothing is springing to mind. In season five, they DO kill off a major character, which IS pretty new and cool.

But in the end, this show is still really…meh. There is a hot young guy who cracks jokes and does cool-guy stuff. Think Nick on CSI. There is a nerdy never-leaves-the-house scientist guy. Think David on CSI. There is a wise, older man overseeing the whole process. Think Grissom on CSI. There is a hot young woman who seems to place logic ahead of emotion. Think Sarah from CSI. And there is an older woman in charge, played by a formerly hot actress who is still very hot. Played by Lauren Holly in NCIS, or Marg Helgenberger on CSI. But it isn’t just CSI. I have seen these characters in Bones, and in NYPD Blue, and in Homicide. Also in JAG. NCIS is a spin-off of JAG.

The most obnoxious character is one I have seen in dozens of other shows as well. The airheaded moron chick who also happens to be a brilliant scientist. I can understand Abby not knowing the difference between a mocacchino and a latte. Or the difference between medium-rare and well done, or who won the World Series. But a brilliant scientist can’t possibly be this dumb in the rest of her life. Airheaded is one thing, but this woman should be dead. She is apparently too stupid to feed herself in her own home. And yet she can break down DNA in brilliant ways to discover the identities of killers and match voice prints to cell phones and all kinds of smart-girl stuff. But we’re basically meant to believe she’s never learned to tie her shoes, tell time, or read. Come on!

I don’t want to rag on NCIS too much though. But that’s pretty much exactly what I’m doing, isn’t it? By all rights, I should absolutely hate this show. It should really have been called NCSI, Neo-CSI. It is so generic, so obvious, and so…meh! But I do kind of like it. I like it because I like this stuff. The scientific police procedurals. There are some I can’t watch. Like, David Caruso is so obnoxious that I can’t bring myself to watch CSI: Miami. And simply because there are no characters that obnoxious, I can enjoy an episode or two of NCIS, sometimes in a row. It’s basically a show only for people who like this kind of show. And there must be a lot of people who like this kind of thing. Because almost all of these shows are still on the air. No matter how generic they may be.

Only four of the sixteen episodes on The Untouchables: Season Two Volume Two actually deal with Al Capone and bootlegging in any way, but the series is still top-notch. Paramount Home Entertainment is releasing Season Two, Volume Two on Tuesday, August 26th, and it remains one of the coolest, most watchable old shows available on DVD. Robert Stack as Elliott Ness is as cool as ever, and the staccato delivery of the narrator gives the show a documentary-style 1950s feel. Dated, but still really cool. Adding to the cool factor is Telly Savales, who co-stars in the episode titled “The Antidote”.

Mobsters, G-Men, bulletproof cars, guns, drugs, booze, showgirls and crooked politicians. The Untouchables is one of the greatest examples of television film noir in history. The one complaint I still have about the series is that Elliott Ness is the hero, and Al Capone is the obvious nemesis, but the series deals with Capone only occasionally. Capone is played by Neville Brand, and he is so magnetic that I just want to see more of him. There are so many episodes about different bootleggers and mobsters and gangsters, that it seems as though they might as well have made those about Capone, instead of a new nameless bad guy each time. The Untouchables is still one of the best classic shows available on DVD, and Season Two, Volume Two is available today.

This summer, we’re pretty spoiled when it comes to the big, blockbuster comic book movies.  Iron Man was absolutely fantastic, and The Dark Knight is the best comic book flick ever made.  And looked at in that light, the re-release of The Punisher, special extended edition, would be easy to overlook.  And perhaps that’s for the best.  Now, I must say I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the original Punisher, starring Dolph Lundgren in 1989.  That scene where he’s being tortured on that table, and the bad guys are about to do that comic book thing where they leave the room, assuming he’s going to die.  And through the pain, and the horror, he yells at their departing backs;  “Hey!  HEY!  Have a nice day.”  Magnificently idiotic!

And although there are parts of the new Punisher that are aggressively mediocre enough to be kind of funny, and there are moments that actually verge on the magnificently idiotic, the movie just doesn’t have enough of those moments to justify watching it.  This new, extended edition, appears to have added a whole new story line.  One which requires a major military scene in Kuwait to start the movie and set up this story line.  And yet, that scene was never filmed.  Too expensive, you see.  So what they have done is photograph the actors, and they’ve animated the scene to kick off the movie.  The main problem with that is that not only does it feel tacked on, but it also makes that whole story line tacked on, and they were probably right to cut it out in the first cut of the movie.

This movie was too long the first time.  Now they’ve added an extra twenty minutes, making it interminable.  It just isn’t compelling enough to get me to sit there for two hours plus.  Thomas Jane is OK as the comic book hero (who has no superpowers or special abilities, except…anger?)  And John Travolta is alright as the Comic Book villain, Howard Saint.  But there are so many bothersome moments in the film.  If Saint wants the Punisher dead so badly, why does he send one person at a time?  Why not send his whole team?  And if the Punisher keeps losing all these fights, isn’t he more the Punished than the Punisher?  And why does he go to such great lengths to mess with the minds of his targets when he’s just going to walk in and blow them away three days later anyway?

Not only was this movie average at best the first time around, it has become even more bloated and obnoxious this time.  While it’s an easy DVD to watch when you’ve shut off your brain, there is no real redeeming value to this film or DVD edition.  Even the special features are weak - all we get is a “making-of” nine minute feature about this extended edition, which involves picture taking and drawing.  Boring.  Just like the movie.  It came out July 15th from Alliance Films.

In preparation for watching Walker, Texas Ranger: Season Five, out tomorrow, July 1st, from Paramount Home Entertainment, I googled “Chuck Norris”. Three of the first five websites were those Chuck Norris Facts that became an initially funny, then subsequently irritating, internet phenomenon a few years ago. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he recognizes only the element of surprise. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. He bites frost. And so on and so forth. Many of these really are funny, and that humour is derived from the fact that Chuck Norris is ridiculous. His movies are ridiculous, his TV show is ridiculous, and he, himself, is ridiculous. It could possibly have worked with Steven Seagal as well, but Chuck Norris is the very essence of what this internet stuff is about.

My first thought, when I saw Walker, Texas Ranger: Season Five in my mailbox was: What the hell? There were FIVE seasons of this? My second thought, after googling and wading through the jokes about roundhouse kicks and fists in the beard, was: what the hell? There were EIGHT seasons of this? Yes. Walker, Texas Ranger lasted EIGHT full seasons. Each one much the same as the last. Norris is Walker, the toughest, meanest, smartest, coolest, strongest, awesomest ranger in all of Texas. Think David Caruso in CSI Miami, only with a cowboy hat. And terrific karate chops. If only Caruso had karate chops! Caruso is a reasonable comparison, too, because he and Norris have similar acting chops.

Chuck Norris has the ability to smile and seem friendly to little kids (like Haley Joel Osment, that kid from The Sixth Sense, in two amusingly saccharine episodes about a young dying boy). And he has the ability to stare down bad guys and let them know he’s tough and means business. After that, he has the ability to…roundhouse kick? I guess? Every bad guy showdown ends with Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the head. That bad guy then falls out a window or off a roof, usually into a pile of straw. There are lots of flashbacks, often to Walker’s childhood. In fact, there are a few episodes in Season Five that are entirely flashbacks. The most irritating being two episodes called Last Of The Breed where Norris tells the story of an old-school wild west bounty hunter named Hayes Cooper. Of course, played by Norris also. There is nothing more irritating than a pointless flashback in an episode, unless it’s an entire two-episodes told in flashback style.

But then, this is the joy one can derive from Walker: Texas Ranger. The sheer irritating idiocy of it all. Most episodes are interchangeable, and those that are different are much worse. Every character, good OR bad, wears a cowboy hat. Perhaps this is how it really is in Texas. Bad guys wear suits and cowboy hats, good guys wear big buckles and cowboy hats. Wigtips - bad. Boots - good. It’s a simple world out there for Walker. And that theme song! That glorious, cheesy, over-the-top theme song! “The eyes of the Ranger are upon you/any wrong you do he’s gonna see/when you’re in Texas look behind you/’cause that’s where the Ranger’s gonna be”. Come ON! Is he a cop or Santa Claus? What does this even mean? Well, it’s just a convenient country-sounding tune to play while Chuck Norris stands tall with a trenchcoat and a shotgun.

You’ve got to take it all with a grain of salt. If you want to truly enjoy this show, you have to love the lack of effort put into each story. You have to love the unnecessary karate moves and the cartoon, interchangeable bad guys. And you have to love Chuck Norris. Here’s a man who built a solid, substantial career, as well as a show that spanned an amazing eight years (I still can’t get over that), solely on his ability to kick people in the face. It’s amazing. Walker Texas Ranger is amazing. Chuck Norris is amazing. Chuck Norris doesn’t act. He really is a Texas Ranger, and this show is all just a documentary of his day-to-day life. They just call him Walker, because he runs for no man.

I have always been a big fan of Karl Malden. I think he is one of the all-time under-rated actors in all of cinema. His performance in Patton is almost on a par with that of George C. Scott. And he holds his own with Marlon Brando in On The Waterfront. But Malden gets forgotten quickly, because Scott in Patton and Brando in Waterfront are two of the most incredible, towering performances in the history of movies. But Karl Malden managed to forge an incredible career, both in movies and in television. One of the few brilliant actors to wind down his career on the small screen, Malden was the star of The Streets of San Francisco from 1972 - 1977. He continued to work in the 80s and 90s, with small roles and TV movies and so forth, but The Streets of San Francisco was really the last great thing he did.

When it comes to Michael Douglas, I am of two minds. At times, I find him to be an absolutely brilliant actor (Wall Street, Falling Down), and at other times I find him tolerable in small doses only (A Perfect Murder, Basic Instinct, Disclosure). Thankfully, Streets of San Francisco gives us Michael Douglas in small doses only. What with it being an hour-long program. But for the most part, this show is the good Michael Douglas. Very few TV shows in history have had two actors of this caliber working together for such a long time - six full seasons. Volume One of the second season comes out on DVD tomorrow, July 1st, from Paramount Home Entertainment.

The best thing about the show, other than the two lead actors, is the location filming. It’s actually filmed IN the streets of San Francisco, setting for such classic films and car chases as the Steve McQueen classic Bullitt. And those movies (and TV shows) become classic because the streets of San Fran lend themselves very much to the ol’ car chase. And there are certainly some cool car chases in this show. As far as police procedurals go, this one is pretty tight, and pretty quick, and it seems like they put a lot of thought into not just the settings but the procedure as well. It’s a little more logical and well-thought-out than other police shows of the era, and each actor, including the guest stars and the extras, knows exactly what he or she is doing in every scene.

And that is really my only, minor, complaint about the show. With talents like Malden and Douglas, there was a little more leeway to let them do their own thing, I would think. But Malden gets a little typecast as the crotchety ornery older cop. And every time we start to forget that he’s sour, they throw him a line so he can make the point again. The relationship between the two, while it’s generally solid, is constantly being pigeonholed into a father-son dynamic, even when it’s kind of unnecessary. And Malden’s insistence on constantly calling Douglas “buddy boy” really dates things. It all makes the show feel focus-grouped. But it’s “1970s” focus-grouped, so it isn’t all that bad. Like, it isn’t Tila Tequila or anything.

Season Two, Volume One, features some impressive guest stars, like James Wainwright, several episodes with Leslie Nielsen, and one with Martin Sheen as a bank robber. This was the first time Sheen and Malden appeared on screen together - the second time was twenty-seven years later when Malden did a guest spot as Father Cavanaugh on The West Wing in 2000. I don’t know if anyone will care about that. But I researched it because I cared, so I figured I may as well write it down. This is no good reason to watch Streets of San Francisco. But there are many other reasons. Malden, Douglas, and that incredible city with it’s incredible streets that lead to some incredible car chases.