Cynical Cinema

In preparation for watching Walker, Texas Ranger: Season Five, out tomorrow, July 1st, from Paramount Home Entertainment, I googled “Chuck Norris”. Three of the first five websites were those Chuck Norris Facts that became an initially funny, then subsequently irritating, internet phenomenon a few years ago. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he recognizes only the element of surprise. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. He bites frost. And so on and so forth. Many of these really are funny, and that humour is derived from the fact that Chuck Norris is ridiculous. His movies are ridiculous, his TV show is ridiculous, and he, himself, is ridiculous. It could possibly have worked with Steven Seagal as well, but Chuck Norris is the very essence of what this internet stuff is about.

My first thought, when I saw Walker, Texas Ranger: Season Five in my mailbox was: What the hell? There were FIVE seasons of this? My second thought, after googling and wading through the jokes about roundhouse kicks and fists in the beard, was: what the hell? There were EIGHT seasons of this? Yes. Walker, Texas Ranger lasted EIGHT full seasons. Each one much the same as the last. Norris is Walker, the toughest, meanest, smartest, coolest, strongest, awesomest ranger in all of Texas. Think David Caruso in CSI Miami, only with a cowboy hat. And terrific karate chops. If only Caruso had karate chops! Caruso is a reasonable comparison, too, because he and Norris have similar acting chops.

Chuck Norris has the ability to smile and seem friendly to little kids (like Haley Joel Osment, that kid from The Sixth Sense, in two amusingly saccharine episodes about a young dying boy). And he has the ability to stare down bad guys and let them know he’s tough and means business. After that, he has the ability to…roundhouse kick? I guess? Every bad guy showdown ends with Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the head. That bad guy then falls out a window or off a roof, usually into a pile of straw. There are lots of flashbacks, often to Walker’s childhood. In fact, there are a few episodes in Season Five that are entirely flashbacks. The most irritating being two episodes called Last Of The Breed where Norris tells the story of an old-school wild west bounty hunter named Hayes Cooper. Of course, played by Norris also. There is nothing more irritating than a pointless flashback in an episode, unless it’s an entire two-episodes told in flashback style.

But then, this is the joy one can derive from Walker: Texas Ranger. The sheer irritating idiocy of it all. Most episodes are interchangeable, and those that are different are much worse. Every character, good OR bad, wears a cowboy hat. Perhaps this is how it really is in Texas. Bad guys wear suits and cowboy hats, good guys wear big buckles and cowboy hats. Wigtips - bad. Boots - good. It’s a simple world out there for Walker. And that theme song! That glorious, cheesy, over-the-top theme song! “The eyes of the Ranger are upon you/any wrong you do he’s gonna see/when you’re in Texas look behind you/’cause that’s where the Ranger’s gonna be”. Come ON! Is he a cop or Santa Claus? What does this even mean? Well, it’s just a convenient country-sounding tune to play while Chuck Norris stands tall with a trenchcoat and a shotgun.

You’ve got to take it all with a grain of salt. If you want to truly enjoy this show, you have to love the lack of effort put into each story. You have to love the unnecessary karate moves and the cartoon, interchangeable bad guys. And you have to love Chuck Norris. Here’s a man who built a solid, substantial career, as well as a show that spanned an amazing eight years (I still can’t get over that), solely on his ability to kick people in the face. It’s amazing. Walker Texas Ranger is amazing. Chuck Norris is amazing. Chuck Norris doesn’t act. He really is a Texas Ranger, and this show is all just a documentary of his day-to-day life. They just call him Walker, because he runs for no man.

This is the tagline for A Force of One, a Chuck Norris movie from 1979:  “He hears the silence.  He sees the darkness.  Only he can stop the killing.”  That isn’t even a joke.  I didn’t take it off the Chuck Norris list website.  It is really printed on the cover of the DVD, just like that. 

My thirteen-year-old step son has just discovered that Chuck Norris stuff on the internet.  You know, “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep.  He waits.”  And, “Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer.  Too bad he’s never cried.”  And such like.  So he asked to see a Chuck Norris movie.  And I realized that with the exception of Return of the Dragon and Burn Hollywood Burn, I had no Chuck Norris movies at all.  The first is a Bruce Lee movie that happens to involve Chuck Norris in the climactic fight scene, and the second is just a poorly done comedy where Norris stars as himself.  But I didn’t have what could reasonably be considered a “Chuck Norris Movie”.  Like Missing in Action, or Missing in Action II.  Or, Missing in Action III.  I’m not sure what else he did.  I don’t like Chuck Norris.  I’m a Seagal man.  In fact, I’m not sure Norris has worked in years - last I saw, he was backing Mike Huckabee for the Republican presidential nomination, starring in infomercial reruns, and basically existing on that list on the internet, which was funny one year ago but really irritating now.

So when I saw A Force Of One for just six bucks at Rogers Video, I decided to experience Chuck Norris, just one more time, with my curious step-son.  I warned him ahead of time.  You know those Seagal movies that I watch a lot?  This might actually be worse.  But he has (through me, I think) developed a similar appreciation for irony to mine, and loves a truly bad movie almost as much as I do.  So we were very excited for this film.  Chuck Norris, you see, is a…karate expert…of course.  He needs to teach the cops how to fight, because a serial killer is knocking them off.  And there are drugs somehow involved, and eventually, his adoptive son is killed by the mysterious karate-expert serial killer.  This is so he can go on a vengeful tear, which of course culminates with the big final fight scene between the two karate fighters.

But here’s the thing - A Force of One wasn’t bad enough.  It mostly made sense.  It featured some average acting performances from the supporting cast.  The fight scenes were halfway-decent.  This was not what we wanted!  We wanted terrible!  Local-car-commercial-level acting!  Nonsense plot!  Inane dialogue!  A false sense of it’s own excellence!  The earmarks of Seagal fare.  But no.  This movie defied all odds and made a little bit of sense.  It was difficult to make fun of A Force of One.  Sure, there were cliches and idiocies, but not nearly enough.  And so the movie just became boring, and that made me sad.  Both of us, in fact.  We wanted abysmal.  Oh well, better put on Alone In The Dark.

But then - wait!  I checked out, on a whim, the special features.  And there it was!  A documentary on American Cinema, the company that put this movie out!  And it was all about - how “American Cinema”, the company, changed Hollywood and the movie industry in general.  And they were serious!  And here it is - this is how they changed Hollywood forever - they made a star out of Chuck Norris!  This was not tongue in cheek, it was totally serious, THIS is what the movie itself should have been.  Totally inflated with an undeserved sense of self-importance.  But even with this gem of a special feature, this DVD is still not worth six bucks.