Cynical Cinema

I am a moderate Star Wars nerd.  In the sense that I probably know more about the series than the average person, but that comes more as a result of being a film buff than anything else.  I have friends who can tell me the names of every character, including those who are not named in the movies themselves but rather in the credits only.  I am not one of those people.  I took the kids out to see the premiere of the new Star Wars:  Clone Wars, and I was amazed that they knew the names of more characters than I did.  It turns out that a lot of that comes from a video game called Lego Star Wars.  This is how they learn the Star Wars story.

I am, however, enough of a Star Wars nerd to realize that Star Wars:  Clone Wars is the title that should have been chosen for that dreadful second installment in the series, the sickeningly-named Attack of the Clones.  I really think the title of that movie actually made the whole film seem worse than it actually was.  And it was already pretty bad, (until Yoda threw down).  This new animated movie IS better, but that isn’t saying much.  This one takes place at the time of the Clone Wars (obviously), and gives the clones names and personalities.  In this case Rex is the leader of the clones who are working with Annakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Also new is Ahsoka, Annakin’s “padawan” learner.  She is basically his apprentice, following him around and learning the ways of the Jedi.  The stage is set for some character development, when Yoda mentions that Annakin has managed well with his padawan, it might be tough for him to let her go later.  But that, we can only assume, will be left for a future episode in this animated series.  Because nothing of that nature happens in this one.  In fact, almost nothing happens in this one.  It is merely an endless series of battles between droid armies and clone armies.  There are several cool battle scenes, including one that is vertical, up the side of a cliff, but after a while we want story.

Basically, the first 80 minutes of the movie are these battles, around a strange story.  Jabba The Hut’s son has been kidnapped by the evil Count Dooku.  The Jedi have been enlisted to bring the Hut kid back unharmed, but Dooku is really setting them up so that Jabba thinks it was in fact the Jedi who kidnapped his son.  At stake are a bunch of shipping lanes controlled by Jabba, lanes which could turn the balance of the battle in the favour of either the droids or the clones.  Dooku has his preferred assassin tracking the Jedi, a sinister female agent named Ventress.  She shows up a few times, then goes away, and proves to be a fairly useless character.

Finally, in the last 15 minutes of the film, the story begins.  Padme Amydala shows up - remember her?  Annakin’s lover and the future mother of Luke and Leia?  She attempts to broker a deal with Jabba through his uncle who lives in the city.  In doing so, she uncovers the massive conspiracy behind the Hut kidnapping, and the story resolves itself in fifteen minutes.  With more battles.  In the end, this is really a Star Wars movie made for kids, in that the story line is incredibly simplistic and the characters are completely two-dimensional.  (Ironic, for an animated 3D movie, eh?)  And because we, the Star Wars audience, are already so familiar with these characters (Annakin, Obi-Wan, Dooku, Jabba The Hut), we know them as more than two-dimensional already. 

So it becomes obnoxious when Annakin has no layers.  He’s not the young innocent Jedi, he isn’t the guy who’s going to turn into Darth Vader, he’s just the headstrong hero of an action movie.  That’s it.  For a story that is already so familiar to all of us, filling in the blanks between Episode II and Episode III ought to involve more than a silly story about Jabba The Hut and his gross young son.  And it really should be more than just a 95-minute battle.

When The Golden Compass was released into theatres, it created a gigantic controversy due to it’s purported anti-Catholic overtones. All kinds of right-wing Catholic wing-nut groups protested the movie, demanded that their congregations not attend, and complained bitterly about it in the media. Which, of course, increased the box office immensely. And the fact that it was still a dud at the box office indicates that had all these ridiculous groups just shut up, it would have disappeared from the public eye, made virtually NO money, and we wouldn’t even remember it today. Today being the day it is released on DVD, courtesy of Alliance Films. And I couldn’t really watch it without thinking about this anti-Catholic controversy. That was all I could think about. What are they so angry about? Where is the problem coming from?

Have you ever noticed that what you think of yourself makes you especially sensitive? Like, if you think you might be a dirty slut, you get extra angry when someone calls you a dirty slut? Or if you’re fat and you hate being overweight, then you flip out when people call you fatso? (This doesn’t happen to me - I don’t mind being overweight at all.) My personal hot-button is when people call me pretentious. Because, on some level, I am afraid that I might actually be pretentious. So, there must be something in this movie that the Catholic elite see in themselves that makes them crazy. I mean…crazier. So…what is it?

OK. This movie is about a parallel universe to our own. This parallel universe is run and overseen by a mysterious, evil religious-type institution called The Magesterium. Alright, they’re a religious-type organization…so maybe the Catholic church sees a bit of themselves in that. Perhaps they see themselves in the repressive, thought-police style administration run by this group. And maybe they think the hats and chains are reminiscent of their own. Or perhaps they saw the nazi-style uniforms of the soldiers who spoke German and said “oh my God! That’s us!” Actually, I made that up. Hardcore Catholics never say “oh my God”. But if this is what made them sit up and take notice, they must be a really self-loathing bunch, dem Catholics.

And the thing is, this isn’t a very good movie. It’s OK, it does the job, kids will probably like it alright. But it isn’t as good as it should be. As I watched it, I couldn’t help but think of a movie that was even worse - Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow. Remember? Angelina Jolie, Gwenyth Paltrow, Jude Law, in a movie full of ancient bi-planes…in the future? The Golden Compass may well have been done by the same set designer, because it has the same ancient-future vibe to it. There are soldiers who are clearly Nazi-inspired. There are futuristic, long-distance high-tech zeppelins and dirigibles and hot-air balloons. There are flying machines that are like ancient Chinese junks with wings and balloons. It’s a bizarre past-future world in the present. And it definitely looks amazing, but it’s fairly irritating.

There seem to be no original ideas here at all. The characters have names like Azrael (Daniel Craig), which had me waiting for a while for the appearance of Gargamel, who never materialized. Another (evil character played by Nicole Kidman) is named Mrs. Coulter. Hmm…maybe that’s what has the zealots up in arms. A vixen who embodies all that is evil in the world called…Coulter? Perhaps a reference to Ann? Well, in the movie her first name is Marisa. We see it written down. Everyone in this alternate universe has “daemons” walking around with them. There is a group of rebels called the “Gyptians”. So…Egyptians without the E. These “daemons” are like our souls here on Earth, only they are manifested in animal form and walk around beside people. Which is pretty cute some of the time. But why “daemons”? Why couldn’t the author of this series of books have come up with a new name for them? I’ve heard of daemons before. These aren’t them. Anyway.

This is the second movie this year that teams Nicole Kidman with Daniel Craig. And, like in The Invasion, Daniel Craig has very little to do. He shows up at the beginning as the uncle of the little girl (Dakota Blue Richards) who is the star. The Magesterium tries to poison him, because he has discovered something that they want to keep hidden from the rest of the world. But Richards saves him, and then he goes off on a journey. And we don’t hear from him again. Then there is a really strange revelation toward the end of the movie, and I still have no idea whether it was for real or a ploy on the part of the evil people. But you see, this is actually the first film in what I imagine will be a forty-one part series, and as such there are many loose ends when it’s over. Also, this is the second movie this year to team Daniel Craig with Eva Green (you might remember Casino Royale). And neither of them gets enough screen time.

A few good scenes (like the polar bear fight) and a few great appearances by some cool actors (Sam Elliott, Christopher Lee), and an amazingly vivid set design make The Golden Compass pretty cool to look at. And I expect the series to get better. Dakota Blue Richards is very good as the young lead actress. More Sam Elliott, more Daniel Craig, and more Eva Green could really liven this thing up. But as it stands with this first movie, it ends up being much less than the sum of it’s parts, and it’s kind of boring. The best thing The Golden Compass has going for it is it’s message. The idea that kids need to learn to think for themselves, that independent thought is essential, and that not all authority is good authority. Hmmm…maybe that’s what got all those Catholics so riled up!