Noelle. Out today. (*****5/10)
The cover of the DVD box for Noelle, out today from Paramount Home Entertainment, looks very promising. A reverend is walking along. Or is it a priest? Minister? Whichever one walks around all day with a white collar on, even when he isn’t in church, so that he can be identified as whatever he is for the purposes of DVD covers and such like. I have looked it up on wikipedia, and they tell me that the guy in the collar can be either a bishop, a priest, or a deacon. Once I watch the movie, I will fill you in on exactly what he is. So anyway, this bishop, priest, or deacon is walking along a snowy, windblown road carrying a dark suitcase. Superimposed above him is a creepy, chalk-faced girl who is looking down upon him, and upon us, with an expressionless face and a thousand-mile stare.
It reminds me of so many good horror movies. And bad ones. Like, The Omen. Or The Good Son. I’ll let you decide which of those was good and which was bad. But I did reference one of each, in case you’re keeping score at home. I’m not 100 percent certain that The Good Son had a picture like this one on the cover. But I just went to grab my copy of The Omen from my bookshelf, and it…oh, I just answered the dilemma above for you, didn’t I? Anyway, The Omen DVD cover features the young boy in the foreground, with glowing eyes, and Gregory Peck cowering with his wife in the background. So there appears to be more fear on the DVD box for The Omen. But that makes the cover for Noelle even creepier - this priest/deacon/bishop doesn’t even KNOW there is a freaky little girl stalking him! It’s terrifying!
OK, I just got up and put on the movie. As I did so, I went throught all of my horror DVDs. Yes, I keep them all together in categories. Horror goes below pre-1968 westerns which goes below kung-fu which goes below post-1968 westerns. I AM that much of a nerd. Anyway, I have no other DVD covers with similar pictures to the one on the front of Noelle. So perhaps I’m making too big a deal about this. Oh, just so you know, as I look at the cover again, there should be an umlaut over the “e” in Noelle. But I don’t know how to create an umlaut. Wait - isn’t there an umlaut in umlaut? Not in this review, there isn’t.
The movie has begun. It turns out the guy on the cover is a priest, and not a bishop or a deacon. He has come to town to shut down a church. He is some kind of catholic hitman, who shows up and shuts down underperforming churches. Like that guy in mafia movies who strong-arms the owners of fish restaurants into abandoning their fish restaurants so the gangsters can buy up all the waterfront property and open casinos, and dens of ill repute. Except that this guy is a priest, and he does this to churches. Then he drives his car down a snowy road, and sees a little girl out his window. The little girl from the cover of the movie! It’s not a very effective scare, but it’s over pretty fast. Now he’s talking to the woman who is bound to become the love interest in the movie. If priests can have love interests. Can they? I guess I will find that out too. But wait - the lady disappeared! OK. Back to the cover.
There is one thing on the cover of this DVD that is a little disconcerting to me, and to my desire to watch a creepy-kid Christmas-themed horror movie. There is a little sticker that says “family approved”, with a picture of a dove. On the back, the write-up makes a big deal out of the fact that this film was selected as a Dove Family-Approved Holiday Film. I thought it was pretty damn cool of the people at Dove soap to get their brand name out there by sponsoring an award for horror flicks with a title as ironic as “family approved”. But I was suspicious. Maybe this is not, after all, the case.
I went to the ol’ Google. And I typed in Dove Family Approved. And I got to a website advertising Noelle (also without an umlaut - I guess the internet comes without them) where I was instantly assaulted by a pop-up of a lady with a questionable haircut explaining the Dove organization. I guess it’s a group much like the Heartland Truly Moving Picture organization, which managed to get their logo onto the DVD box for Kit Kittredge: An American Girl, which I reviewed a week ago. I guess these internet organizations are all over the place, giving out awards for movies that families can watch together. And sometimes those awards carry enough prestige to make it onto a DVD cover. And it appears that I may have been wrong, and that this award was not intended to be ironic - this movie may not be a horror flick after all.
It now appears, 20 minutes in, that I was wrong. Which is probably good. Because I have yet to be scared by this movie. I will now watch the rest of it, checking to see if it is indeed family-friendly. And it appears as though it is. Father Keene, you see (the walking guy from the cover) is a bit of a cold-hearted individual whose motives for shutting down this particular church are not exactly clear. I am going to assume that the girl on the cover is actually named Noelle with an umlaut, although she has yet to make another appearance after her creepy roadside apparition.
For this, I will turn to the Dove Family Approved website for some help. They say: “It should be noted that there is some mild language in the film, and alcohol is consumed by both priests. Also, for those not of the Catholic faith, we note that Father Keene says that he hopes those who are not Catholic will find their way to “the one true church,” which has the potential to offend people not of the Catholic persuasion. However, it should be pointed out that Father Keene at this point seems genuinely loyal to his church and beliefs. The film does have some mature subject matter, including the story of an unwed mother, and a fight. A lady who says she doesn’t believe in the virgin birth receives quite a tongue lashing from Father Keene.”
I think I saw that “tongue-lashing”, and I must say it was rather milder than indicated above. Father Keene appears to be falling for this woman, so I am going to go ahead and assume that priests can, indeed, have love interests in films. And, one would assume, in real life as well. There have been some scenes that involve the locals trying to perform in the nativity play, and they aren’t very good. I think this is supposed to be very amusing. Conflict arises when Father Keene and Father Simeon fail to see eye-to-eye about the shutting down of this church. And then, Father Keene, of course, finds his redemption.
Redemption from what? Well, a slightly cynical outlook on the priesthood, and the tendency to imbibe a little, I suppose. This movie relies very heavily, as do most Heartwarming Pictures, on the eccentricity of the locals in the small town. This eccentricity becomes pretty tedious before it finally comes out, full-blown, at Mrs. Worthington’s legendary local Christmas party.
I need to make a point here - this priest is not just a cold-hearted cynic. He is also a rotten priest. He’s sitting in confession, and a woman comes in to tell him about the anger she feels toward the man who is cheating on his fiancee with Eleanor, the love interest in the film. Eleanor is pregnant, this woman tells Father Keene, and this distresses her greatly. Not only does Father Keene not bother to hear the end of the confession, he walks out of the confessional booth midway through to confront the poor woman, who is pregnant and not even engaged to the man. How could she?
Umm…how could he? I have watched enough Law and Order to know that the confessional booth is all sacred and junk. Like, you as a priest can never repeat a single word that is said in that booth to any other human being on Earth. Let alone running out in the middle of a confession to spill out everything you’ve just heard to the very person about whom you’ve heard it. This is decidedly un-priestly behaviour, and although he does end up being redeemed for his cynicism and cold heartedness, he seems to get a pass on this ridiculous unpriestly behaviour.
Having watched this movie, and written this review, I am now inspired to do three things. One, I am inspired to spend less time writing reviews after I’ve been drinking a little. It seems like I have less ability to focus. Secondly, I am inspired to get Cynical Cinema onto DVD cases, and I have created my own special category for films that are deserving of my newly-created award. This film, Noelle, is the first recipient of the Cynical Cinema Schmaltzy Claptrap Award. I was going to call it the Schmaltzy Claptrap That Insults Intelligence While Warming Hearts Award, but that would be too long for DVD cases. And it has a lousy acronym. SCTIIWWHA. See? Lousy.
And thirdly, I am inspired to watch The Omen. I’m going to stop typing and do that now. But look to the right, as the Schmaltzy Claptrap category should soon be full to bursting with reviews of movies that I have deemed deserving of my laurels.
Oh, two more things - Father Keene (David Wall) bears a remarkable (and disconcerting at times) resemblance to a young Robert Redford. And that little girl from the cover of the DVD? She has about nine seconds, total, of screen time. And she actually IS a ghost. But not the scary kind.