Cynical Cinema

Alliance Films is releasing season six of CSI: Miami today, September 16th. There have been six seasons of this show, and all of them have been hilarious. Watching them on DVD is even funnier, because you don’t have all those commercials to dull your senses before the show begins again. And that really calls attention to the fact that this show can’t cut to a commercial without a deep, tough-guy line and a musical sting. When it comes back from commercial, there is a musical sting there as well. And often, another insightful, bad-ass line. Computers can’t analyze DNA or other evidence without a quick sting, a jump cut or two or five, and a flashy series of camera shots. This is just like the first version of CSI, only this time the priorities are flipped. The Vegas version is about crimes that happen to be investigated by hot people, whereas the Miami version is about hot people who just happen to investigate crimes. Usually crimes committed by hot people against other hot people. Which means more hot-chick montages.

Which means more style, less substance, and way more bikinis. I could write an episode of CSI: Miami in about eight minutes. Hot girl gets killed, all signs point to boyfriend with six-pack abs. David Caruso says something intense. Montage of bikinis and babes on the beach. The boyfriend is cleared, and now the signals appear to point in the direction of a secret cult of lesbian strippers who hold oil-wrestling parties. Caruso investigates. Lesbian strippers say sexy things to him, he delivers an intense line. Musical sting. A young child has witnessed something, but no one can get him to talk. But he’ll talk to Caruso, because he believes the man is Jesus. Caruso gets into a dustup with bad guys outside oil wrestling venue. He offers the bad guys a choice. Either throw down your guns or die. (Only more intense.) They choose not to throw down their guns, and he shoots them all. He officially changes his name to Big Daddy Kane. Musical montage of bikini chicks, hummers and guys with barbed-wire bicep tattoos. Caruso finds out the victim was his long-lost daughter. He shows no emotion. He discovers that the killer is in fact a hot chick in lingerie. He confronts her. She attempts to seduce him but he’s too cool. He shows no emotion. Guitar sting. Then there is a final shootout where a bunch of bad guys die, but the bad chick is merely knocked unconscious by a falling anvil. She is arrested. There is a musical montage of Caruso looking wistful in slow-motion as bikini-clad babes play on the beach and Ferraris zoom by.

This is essentially the plot of every episode in Season Six. Except that sometimes, instead of lesbian strippers, it’s hot swimmers in bathing suits or gorgeous lingerie models. And instead of the young child witness, sometimes it’s a deaf girl or a mentally handicapped man. Either way, they will talk only to Horatio. And in Season Six, instead of his long-lost daughter, we meet Caruso’s long-lost son. Either way, he shows no emotion. In fact, he remains extremely stony-faced while talking to this boy throughout the season, but of course the kid will come to love him anyway. Imagine you found your father, a man you never knew existed, after twenty years. And he was a stone gargoyle in shades. How long would it take you to warm up to him? An eternity? Ah, but not if he’s David Caruso…now, it’s all well and good to read my little plot synopsis up there, but if you want to actually SEE all those babes in bikinis and fancy fast cars, you’ll have to pick up Season Six of CSI: Miami on DVD tomorrow.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 15th, 2008 at 10:30 am and is filed under Adam Rodriguez, Jonathan Toto, Rex Linn, Eva LaRue, Emily Procter, David Caruso, Cop, Crime, 2007, TV series. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.