The Hills Complete Third Season. Out today. (*****5/10)
When I started watching the third season of The Hills, out Tuesday July 29th from Paramount Home Entertainment, I really had no idea what it was. The girls from the show were recently on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, but I skipped over the article so I could read an article on how the U.S. has bungled the war in Iraq. It turns out that The Hills is a “reality” show on MTV that centres around two girls, Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag (I know their names from the Doc and Woody Fun Page), that hate each other. I am assuming that had I watched seasons one through two, I would understand why they hate each other. But I didn’t. And I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t wish season one and two and three of this show on anyone. So what we have in season three is two girls who almost never share the screen together, hating each other from afar for an undetermined reason.
They have friends too. Who I guess are a part of the show…also? Audrina Partridge, who lives with Lauren. Whitney Port, who works with Lauren (again, thank you Doc and Woody Fun Page). Spencer something-or-other, who is Heidi’s fiancee. Brody Jenner, who I think appears on another “reality” show about rich and obnoxious bum-kids who live in some rich and obnoxious loser-area. I think it might be called Princess Muscleman And The Eyebrow Tweeze. Or something like that. Whatever. Basically, this show just follows a bunch of rich, highly attractive people around, and spies on their fourth-grade-level friendship and relationship dramas, made all the more dramatic by their fourth-grade-level intellects. This is basically a show about four Paris Hiltons. Which purports to be more than that. But isn’t. I would describe the plot of season three, but it would make me even more insane than I already am. So I will just give you a brief rundown of my day. Watching this.
Episode one - I am wondering how they did the casting for this show. It’s kind of like American Idol, where they put really horrible contestants through to the judges’ round, so they can be mocked on live TV. But in order to get that far, the producers must convince them they’re good enough to get there. The Hills must be similar, because the characters are irritating and dumb. But they think they’re charming and clever. So how do you cast for those people? If you ask someone if they’re irritating, and they say yes, then they are too self-aware to appear on this program. If they say no, they might be OK. But everyone would say no. That must have been an awful long couple of months in central MTV casting. Or maybe they just had a big fat greasy guy and a casting couch. That would actually make a lot of sense.
Episode 4 - with Spencer and Heidi now engaged, how will they manage life? I suppose they will continue to drive around in uber-expensive cars, attend their my-daddy’s-on-the-board joke jobs, and continue to crack wise and say “dude”, a lot. But wait! Spencer has brought home an arcade video game, and Heidi is not impressed. There may be fireworks!
Episode 9 - Lauren and Audrina are going to surprise Brody in Vegas! For his birthday! And the cameras catch every scintillating moment…from inside Brody’s hotel room. Umm….when the producers of this show your friend is on come into your hotel room, don’t you kind of expect that this friend of yours is coming soon as well? And doesn’t that ruin the surprise? Or - wait a second…maybe this show is…staged? Uh-oh. There go many of my illusions.
Episode 12 - Something about New York City. I don’t know. After watching the episode, I checked the episode guide in the DVD case to find out what I just watched, and discovered that I had become functionally illiterate. So please excuse any spelling mistakes that crop up in this review.
Episode 16 - I was excited. Before I lost my ability to read, I saw that this episode had the same title as one of my favourite movies of all time, A Night At The Opera. So I was expecting some Marx Brothers shenanigans, with snappy dialogue and pratfalls. But this did not occur. I was angry.
Episode 21 - Lauren makes friends with Stephanie, the sister of her sworn enemy, Spencer. I wonder what time it is. How long have I been watching this? The clock on the wall has the big hand over the little one, but I’m not sure what that means. I have now apparently lost the ability to tell time. Well, let’s see. If I have now watched 21 episodes, at half an hour each, that means I have been watching The Hills for…eternity? Since Wednesday? I have apparently also lost any ability to do simple math.
Episode 25 - Spencer is gone! Heidi is single again! She wants to regain Lauren’s friendship, but Lauren is cold to the idea. Oh, there has been so much drama, I want to tell you all about it…but I’m confused. There are 25 episodes? Wait - there are more than 25 episodes? What kind of show IS this?
Episode 28 - It’s over! I have watched the last episode of the season! Most TV seasons feature 12 episodes. The ambitious ones feature 16 or maybe even 24. But 28! This sets the bar for all brainless, dumb-bimbo reality shows to follow. Wait a minute. Did I just watch the entire first season of The Hills? In one sitting? How dumb does that make me? Well, try this - I just flipped on Fox News, watched the O’Reilly Factor for six minutes, and Bill O’Reilly was making sense to me! I have now officially regressed to the point where I have a lower IQ than an apple.
The Hills may be the most dangerously addictive show on TV. It’s impossible to turn away, but it’s so bad for you it’s sick. Don’t ever start watching this show. You will be unable to stop, and then you will fall into a horrible downward spiral where you lose all your brain cells, your friends, and your desire to live. Like crack. Or heroin. Or Blue Pepsi. Just say no, kids!