Transformers Cybertron: The Ultimate Collection. Out today. (***3/10)
There have been 52 half-hour episodes of Transformers Cybertron, a Japanese animated Transformers program. All 52 of those episodes are now on DVD in the Transformers Cybertron Ultimate Collection, out today, July 22nd, from Paramount Home Entertainment. It’s one of those shows that has a lot of flashy colours and tough-guy posing, all with the Transformers. Very frenetic, very confusing, and every episode is almost exactly the same. The Transformers characters in this series are different from the ones we have come to know and love - no Bumblebee! But there is of course an Optimus Prime and a Megatron, there are Autobots and Decepticons, and of course everyone ends up on Earth.
The basic idea of the series is that the population of the Transformers’ home planet, Cybertron, is threatened by a black hole and evacuated, and all the Transformers are sent to Earth. In order to save their home planet (and also, of course, the Universe), the good-guy Autobots must find the five Cyber Planet Keys, which will give them enough power to stop the marauding black hole and save all of existence. But Megatron, the evil leader of the evil Decepticons, has the map that shows where the Cyber Planet Keys are located in the universe. We can only assume that if he were to get his hands on these artifacts, he would use them to destroy the universe and everything inside it. We really don’t know though. For all we know, he would use the massive power of the Cyber Planet Keys to open a successful car parts lot, and to finagle an invitation to the Playboy Mansion. Who knows?
All in all, this show is extremely confusing. I was constantly aware that the show had been translated from the Japanese, because the translation of certain words is…strange. Something I don’t understand though are the voices. These are mechanical transforming robot aliens from across the universe. Why are some of them Irish, others are hicks, others are British…it doesn’t make sense! And one of the characters really sounds like he’s voiced by Larry the Cable Guy. The theme song is one of the worst in TV history. It’s that old Transformers song, you know - “more than meets the eye…robots in disguise”, and so forth. But it’s updated for today’s world, which means it’s been given a cheesy R&B beat and hook, and there’s rap in it. Although, the rapper actually doesn’t say anything. He just says “Transformers! Transformers! Transformers! Transformers!” You would think they could have afforded a lyricist. I’m sure you don’t need Tupac to do your song, but this thing is as painful as that moment in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II when Vanilla Ice was “freestyling” on stage and started rapping “Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go Ninja!” for eleven minutes.
In fact, the rest of the series seems to be plagued with a similar lack of writers. Every single episode, Optimus Prime says “Transformers! Transform and Roll Out!” at least four times. Also, every time the Transformers are about to do anything - like go for a picnic, order pizza or watch Three’s Company, whatever it is they do - he yells “Transformers! Sound off!” And then each of the Autobots steps forward and yells their own name. This really takes up a lot of time, and it’s just irritating. Like, why are they doing this? Is it simply because some exec behind the scenes thinks it adds a bad-ass extra bit to the scenes where the colours are flashing and the Transformers are punching the air? I don’t get it. And I don’t get this show. At all.