Walker: Texas Ranger, Season Five. Out tomorrow. (****4/10)
In preparation for watching Walker, Texas Ranger: Season Five, out tomorrow, July 1st, from Paramount Home Entertainment, I googled “Chuck Norris”. Three of the first five websites were those Chuck Norris Facts that became an initially funny, then subsequently irritating, internet phenomenon a few years ago. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he recognizes only the element of surprise. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. He bites frost. And so on and so forth. Many of these really are funny, and that humour is derived from the fact that Chuck Norris is ridiculous. His movies are ridiculous, his TV show is ridiculous, and he, himself, is ridiculous. It could possibly have worked with Steven Seagal as well, but Chuck Norris is the very essence of what this internet stuff is about.
My first thought, when I saw Walker, Texas Ranger: Season Five in my mailbox was: What the hell? There were FIVE seasons of this? My second thought, after googling and wading through the jokes about roundhouse kicks and fists in the beard, was: what the hell? There were EIGHT seasons of this? Yes. Walker, Texas Ranger lasted EIGHT full seasons. Each one much the same as the last. Norris is Walker, the toughest, meanest, smartest, coolest, strongest, awesomest ranger in all of Texas. Think David Caruso in CSI Miami, only with a cowboy hat. And terrific karate chops. If only Caruso had karate chops! Caruso is a reasonable comparison, too, because he and Norris have similar acting chops.
Chuck Norris has the ability to smile and seem friendly to little kids (like Haley Joel Osment, that kid from The Sixth Sense, in two amusingly saccharine episodes about a young dying boy). And he has the ability to stare down bad guys and let them know he’s tough and means business. After that, he has the ability to…roundhouse kick? I guess? Every bad guy showdown ends with Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the head. That bad guy then falls out a window or off a roof, usually into a pile of straw. There are lots of flashbacks, often to Walker’s childhood. In fact, there are a few episodes in Season Five that are entirely flashbacks. The most irritating being two episodes called Last Of The Breed where Norris tells the story of an old-school wild west bounty hunter named Hayes Cooper. Of course, played by Norris also. There is nothing more irritating than a pointless flashback in an episode, unless it’s an entire two-episodes told in flashback style.
But then, this is the joy one can derive from Walker: Texas Ranger. The sheer irritating idiocy of it all. Most episodes are interchangeable, and those that are different are much worse. Every character, good OR bad, wears a cowboy hat. Perhaps this is how it really is in Texas. Bad guys wear suits and cowboy hats, good guys wear big buckles and cowboy hats. Wigtips - bad. Boots - good. It’s a simple world out there for Walker. And that theme song! That glorious, cheesy, over-the-top theme song! “The eyes of the Ranger are upon you/any wrong you do he’s gonna see/when you’re in Texas look behind you/’cause that’s where the Ranger’s gonna be”. Come ON! Is he a cop or Santa Claus? What does this even mean? Well, it’s just a convenient country-sounding tune to play while Chuck Norris stands tall with a trenchcoat and a shotgun.
You’ve got to take it all with a grain of salt. If you want to truly enjoy this show, you have to love the lack of effort put into each story. You have to love the unnecessary karate moves and the cartoon, interchangeable bad guys. And you have to love Chuck Norris. Here’s a man who built a solid, substantial career, as well as a show that spanned an amazing eight years (I still can’t get over that), solely on his ability to kick people in the face. It’s amazing. Walker Texas Ranger is amazing. Chuck Norris is amazing. Chuck Norris doesn’t act. He really is a Texas Ranger, and this show is all just a documentary of his day-to-day life. They just call him Walker, because he runs for no man.