Walk All Over Me. A waste of time. (***3/10)
Walk All Over Me is a Canadian film starring Leelee Sobieski and Tricia Helfer. You can tell it’s Canadian by Minute Four, and you can tell nothing cool is going to happen by Minute Nine. And you can tell you regret renting it by Minute Eleven. And you can stop watching it right then and there. The premise of the movie is that Leelee Sobieski is Alberta, a hot small-town teenage girl who runs away from home after getting into trouble with some thugs. She runs to Vancouver, where she decides to hide out with Celine (Tricia Helfer), who is either a friend or a relative. Or something. Celine, you see, is a dominatrix. And I know the nerds out there are excited already. Tricia Helfer? Dominatrix? Yes…yes…and they are hosting Battlestar Galactica marathons in order to prepare themselves to watch this.
But you know what? Tricia Helfer does not get naked. Leelee Sobieski becomes a dominatrix too, but she also does not get naked. Then why bother having the “dominatrix” theme in the movie at all? Because it means that this way Sobieski gets to spend the entire movie in fishnets and cleavage-boosting bustiers and spiked heels on CFM boots. And it also means that much of the film will take place in weird rooms, and people “not knowing what that weird helmet is for” becomes the standard punchline to jokes that were never told. But there is almost no actual dominatrix action whatsoever, it’s just the clothes that appear in the film. Which would be fine if you were making a porno, but this movie takes itself almost seriously.
It’s one of those crime capers where bad guys are after a good guy because they believe he stole some money, and bad guys capture good guys, and new guys get involved, and new guys capture bad guys, and bad guys trade good guys with new guys. One of those. But Canadian. Obviuously Canadian. And therefore painfully boring and not too good. Perhaps the idea was that putting Sobieski and Helfer in boob-showing shirts and fishnets and short skirts and hooker boots would distract people from the lack of plot, the poor acting and the senseless story. And, in a way, that DID actually work on me. After all, how many times have I mentioned it in this review alone? And the clothes and girls DID keep me watching past the eleven minute mark. But by then I had seen everything, and I wished I had turned it off. So there’s my advice to you. Eleven minutes in. Turn this off and watch a fishing show.