The Perfect Bar
Monday, June 9th, 2008
According to Esquire, the “perfect bar” demonstrates the following characteristics:
- Darkness: Nobody likes a bright bar.
- Small bar stools: And those widely separated. Because it’s horrible having to attack a phalanx of backs to get your drink order in. No bar stools is even better.
- Jiggers, muddlers, graters, and several kinds of bitters: If they have the extra tools and bitters, it says they’re ready to make some real cocktails.
- Crap on the walls: And lots of it. Not just because it’s nice to have something that engages your attention when the group you’re with starts talking about hockey or Heroes. But because every item is a memorial to somebody — the owner, the tenders, the customers — who cares enough about it to decorate it. And after all, the essence of a real bar is a community of caring individuals.
- No TV: And especially no flat-screens.
- Lots of whiskey:Scotches, bourbons, ryes, Irish, Japanese.
- No bottled beer: And only two or three taps for draft beer, all for cask ale (which has to be hand-pumped from the keg). Cask ales are fresh and alive, and if there are only a few taps, you’re pretty sure to be getting a fresh pint; when there are dozens, some barrels can sit there forever.
- Good jukebox:Not a satellite jukebox. Not the bartender’s iPod. One that plays CDs (or even 45’s) so you know the selection was chosen with care.
- A nude woman: Even if it has to be a painted one.
- A good men’s room: It should be at the end of the bar.
- No amusements:No buck-hunting game, quarters table, or what have you. It distracts from the drinking and attracts an unserious element. That said, a one-lane bowling alley in the basement is cool.
Would you agree? I’m not feelin’ it. Although I concur that darkness and a good jukebox are essential, I like bottled beer and muted televisions, so you can follow the game or at least check out the score from time to time. As for the nude woman, well, only, if the Greek god-like nude man is in tow. Feel free to share the traits you deem important for a great watering hole by clicking on the No Comments/Comments link at the bottom. Today’s Jack Nation bonus code is “CHEERS!”. It’s valid until June 11th.